The art of going down in flames

Stilettos and aprons April 15, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — crashinglessons @ 11:47 AM
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Wow, last night was a gorgeous lunar eclipse and the full moon makes me feel wild and restless.  I’m still hyper and giggling with manic glee over my new burlesque name. The entire persona is already well planned out- so many reasons I love hanging out with different types of creative minds. Even if Betty Cocker only ever shows up when I’m at home baking, she’ll have great costumes. Life is art. Which reminds me; I regularly encourage people around me to break into song or dance, and it’s finally paying off. It’s beautiful to hear how people sing when they’re completely comfortable, it’s like humans purring.

Speaking of human noises, it’s super distressing to read the news. What a messy creation humans are, and horribly violent. I’m still helping out with the gardening group down at the center for the homeless, and I can’t say enough about how the gentle arts facilitate healing and foster hope. I may never make a fortune, but I swear by the power of art, cooking, and community to make positive changes in the world. Tiny bits at a time.

Since I currently can’t make warm and fuzzy happen on a large scale, I’ll focus on my sexy burlesque character, and fantasize about what my baking oriented costume will look like, and what music to choose. Oooo, imagine a room full of hot men in uniform, and I can feed them cupcakes! Hmmm. I do love to tease. My formerly wild sex-positive ethical slut side thinks I could take on a squadron, but in reality, I’d rather just write about it. However, Betty Cocker may have to come out of the kitchen and manifest on stage. Since the thought of performing terrifies me and makes me want to bolt, that might have to be my next mission. I need more fabulous in my life, and then I can put more energy out there. My pro photographer friend just suggested doing a pinup photo shoot in our cute vintage kitchen- too perfect for words. And really, I’ve just been waiting for an opportunity to wear icing pasties, my cute little apron, a garter belt, and those ridiculous stilettos. lmfao. I’m never bored. Perhaps I just need to find the right appreciative audience to inspire. omgomg my new bed just got delivered. Going to christen it right now.

Love to all


Rockin Pneumonia, Boogie Woogie Flu- Johnny Rivers
The Best- Tina Turner
Changing- Airborne Toxic Event
The Speed Of Light- OMD
Hot Mess (Feat. Elly Jackson)- Chromeo
Somebody’s Watching Me- Rockwell
Private Eyes- Hall & Oates
Let Love Speak Up Itself- The Beautiful South
Here’s Some Love- Tanya Tucker
I Feel You- Schiller
Call And Answer- Barenaked Ladies
Missing- Everything But The Girl
God Is A Bullet- Concrete Blonde
How Good It Can Get- The Wallflowers


Post modern confessional April 12, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — crashinglessons @ 12:36 AM
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A woman at work was describing her son’s recent emotional trauma over losing his fiance and his cushy job in the space of a week. She was complaining that he lacked motivation and she didn’t want to baby him, he just needed to “Get over it”. Really? Holy shit, people really are still that uneducated about mental illness. Most everyone gets it at some point, but that’s a shitty way to treat it. I suggested a counselor, and she blew me away when she got all defensive and said “He has lots of friends!”. Wow, you totally missed the point. Everyone should have a counselor, some more than others. There’s no substitute for someone who will listen in confidentiality, help with coping skills, and offer unconditional support and no judgment no matter where you are in life. More importantly, they are the people you go and talk to when you are wrecked and trying to put your life back together.

Shit, that describes my entire life. The only difference now is that I don’t have a counselor and I want one. Therapy is what religious confessional perhaps used to be. A way to dump all your sins and detritus and try again with a lighter heart, after meditating on the mistakes and vowing to do better next time. No matter what you call it, it’s a valuable thing to talk out your problems and concerns. For my depression, it’s a huge red flag when I don’t want to talk about things, and it’s a sign that I have to work harder to feel better. Mental illness is hard work, no matter how long it lasts. The worse it is, the harder you have to work just to maintain any sort of life. I just wish people weren’t so ignorant and aggressively evil about mental health issues. This woman at work, she’s like so many- doing exactly the wrong things to “help” the person with depression. Treating it wrong can make it so much worse, and so much harder to recover. But hey what the fuck do I know, I’m just that crazy woman with a cake obsession.


Broken Hearted Savior- Big Head Todd And The Monsters
This Is How A Heart Breaks- Rob Thomas
Blue- Leann Rimes
Heartbreak Hotel- Elvis
Living Dead Girl- Rob Zombie


The bell curve April 10, 2014

It’s funny how sometimes you learn things that change your entire world. Holy shit I wish I’d learned a lot of things sooner. It’s inutterably depressing to realize I was missing some vitally important information, but at least I have it now. Too late, but perhaps wisdom will count for something in the end.

Even after all this time, the depression and panic attacks still take my breath away and they’re so agonizing and debilitating that I wonder how I can survive, how anyone can. My heart feels permanently broken, and I don’t see any kind of happy ending possible in my future. I will find beauty and bits of joy where I can, and I do quite often, but overall I know that a full recovery isn’t possible. I wrecked too hard, trusted the wrong people, had faith in a world that doesn’t truly exist. It’s a lot nicer in my world. There’s a lot more love and community. I’m still not sure what to do with this reality, but it makes me cry a lot. My friend keeps telling me that if emotions are power, I have a huge untapped resource. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Love to all

Lunatic Fringe- Red Rider
Shadow Of The Day- Linkin Park
A Word In Spanish- Elton John


Love song April 9, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — crashinglessons @ 10:41 PM
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I woke up thinking oh my love, I want to wake you up slowly like a sunny spot on Sunday morning. I want to share that purring, glowing stretch into the awakening smell of fresh coffee and simplicity and happiness. How random, but what a lovely image to start the day. It inspired me to write again. I even pulled out my trashy novel to see if heavy editing could save it. Nope, but it’s fun as hell to work on.

It’s sunny and beautiful out, and hope blossoms again. The flower in the crack of asphalt, the poetry of the garden, baby animals brand new in the world, old couples holding hands. I parked my car under a flowering tree and it was covered in petals, so when I drove away I left a trail of drifting white behind me. It was glorious. I wish life was always that poetic.
Love to all.

Days Go By (Acoustic)- Dirty Vegas
The Way To Your Heart- Soulsister
Fallen Angel- Saga
Just Another Day (Spanish Edit)- Jon Secada
Johnny Coolman- Colin James
Love Will Conquer All- Lionel Richie
Hunting High And Low- A-Ha
Touch It- Monifah
The Boxer- Mumford and Sons
I Still Can’t Get Over Loving You- Ray Parker Jr.
Fast Movin’ Train- Restless Heart
Big Green Tractor- Jason Aldean

Working on this one:



This is what my insanity looks like April 4, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — crashinglessons @ 7:50 AM
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Unfinished business and lots of energy.  Yesterday I finished five paintings, went jogging, made bread, did some sewing, cleaned my car, visited a friend, and phew, it’s good to get some shit done. When I can paint or create, everything else just falls into place. Yay!!!  I get funny responses to my painting pictures of cake over and over, but people give me lots of money for them and it’s all I want to paint. I think I’m up to the mid 500′s in terms of numbers. Funny shit, but if life is brutal and cake represents a little bit of sweetness and beauty, it’s wonderful to have an image that lasts a little longer.

Love to all


Home- Marc Broussard
On The Radio- Donna Summer
Dreaming Out Loud- Trace Adkins
Seven Year Ache- Rosanne Cash



Helf feral humans April 2, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — crashinglessons @ 7:00 PM
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I’m finally breaking down and getting a new bed. I can’t forget the people I saw in Kolkata living in the traffic median, and who am I to demand a cushy mattress, but holy shit, that one with the foam makes me moan and whimper with happiness. My current version of heaven would involve rolling around on that mattress with a smart delicious dude and then taking an epic nap. Delicious. Then maybe biking up something decently steep and back down to a hot tub. There’s a long tradition of artists doing drugs and alcohol to unlock the muse, but it’s better for me to use exercise and good sleep. 

I may as well put my dreamy exhausted energy into painting some dreamy pictures.  I know where I want to have my first show.  I’m going slow and casual and as I imagine how many pictures can fit in the space, I just realized the palette I want to use. Chocolate brown, cream, deep red or pink, and turquoise touches. I have a bunch of antique photos I want to use, and I have a stack of paintings that are already finished, or very close. I have one large main painting in my head that is begging to appear on canvas. It feels like intellectual foreplay to be playing with the image in my head, but not creating it yet. I think I’m almost to the screaming-for-release point. Proverbially speaking.

My friend is a wonderful cheering section, encouraging me to keep shooting for my best, and working to always be better and do better things in the world.  It really is all attitude, and trying to see the humor, the beauty, the hope, in the insanity and mind boggling odds of life. Funny shit. Humans are all half feral. Some of them are medicated, some are sleeping, some are just confused as fuck, wanting to paint some cool pictures. A child recently told me that art is anything that you create that you like, and I thought that expressed it brilliantly. I wish I had a teeny bit more energy, as I would start giving casual art therapy-ish classes. I got approval from the coordinator, and space and time at my discretion, now I just need energy. I think it will be fascinating to work with an adult population who have a variety of intense experiences, and see what they create. It’s certainly a population that understands sleep issues.

It’s been sunny out, I’m slowly charging up, and I’m ready. A little messy, totally emotional, but back to being completely in love with life. Phew. I wish it hadn’t taken so long to feel better, and I still have a long ways to go. I think some hot sweaty sex would do wonders for me and my muse. A panting, romantic, fierce grind up against the wall. Yum. Dear deity, can we please have some more warm and fuzzy happy things happen? Certainly more happy endings are needed. I will bake some bread and paint a cake and send some good energy out into the world. Miracles can happen, wounds heal, people change, you never know what amazing things can happen next.

Love to all


Rock and Roll- Eric Hutchinson


Everyday miracles March 27, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — crashinglessons @ 2:29 PM

The wind is tossing the cherry blossoms everywhere and the sun just came out. Since my muse is uptight and stuck, I’m making her work through it the hard way. Slowly, in that deep and gritty down to the bone way. I have some painting ideas, my sketchbook is open, and I found an old playlist that’s perfect.

Right now I’m next to a sunny window, there are two quilters working with me, and I’m finally not spinning in circles. The depression has gotten so much better, and I finally got some decent sleep, wahooooo. It’s wonderful to have the burst of energy, it makes everything easier. I’ve been running, walking, volunteering, and still not smoking cigarettes even though I really really want one sometimes. Yuck. Someday when I have my life together, this will seem like an important period of growth. Or something like that.

Hanging out with firefighters helps too. It’s great to be reminded that heroes do exist outside of a theater. I have two days of training with them this weekend, yay! I still feel lost and wrecked in some ways, but fuck it, who doesn’t? I’m so much stronger and more confident now, and everything is changed. I wish it had happened a zillion years ago, but better late than never. Next on my list is figuring out paperwork and auto issues, yuck. Then I can get back to painting and writing my happy endings, and trying to focus on the books that will teach me what I need to know, and the people who will encourage me on the way.
Love to all


Fire Woman- The Cult
What I Wouldn’t Do- Serena Ryder
Days Go By (Acoustic)- Dirty Vegas
Help Is On It’s Way- Little River Band
See The Lights- Simple Minds
Use Me- Bill Withers
Holding Out For A Hero- Bonnie Tyler
Hang On Little Tomato- Pink Martini
Piss Up A Rope- Ween



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