Playing doctor

Damn, there’s some smart humans out there. I wish we could gather all their knowledge, genetically encode it and inject it in humans. Hopefully we’d all just wake up, but I suppose there might be significant freaking out as well.

I want to see a shot that gives intelligence, calm, and consideration. I could have used a couple of those shots this week when I was riding the pissy hormone train. Good news though; my second article is getting published. My editor rocks, on so many levels. Just gonna say here: If I were into women romantically, I would pounce on her. Yum. Brilliant, beautiful, super motivated= awesome combo. Unfortunately in our society, not many understand the value of simply getting naked and playing doctor for a while- too bad it gets all complicated.

Ah, the complexities of human relationships. My girlfriends and I are working on a mutual friend who is waking up, like a slowly injected shot of wisdom. She’s still stuck in the image of the world where women are bitchy and competitive and emotionally destructive, instead of the one where we build each other up and encourage greatness. My article even addresses that very concept: share the tools that help everyone thrive. Since there’s no easy fix, no pill or shot we can take, we have to keep working at it the slow and hard way… and oh my goodness, that sounds kinda hot and delicious. Dear universe, please send me one or two fabulous, intelligent lovers. Male or female is fine, both would be fun too. Send them to me at the bakery, because I always appreciate an excuse to lick some icing off someone fabulous- I think it would be therapeutic for all.

Recommendation of the day: Follow the “Humans of New York” Facebook page for a daily shot of beautiful humanity.

Love to all

Dark Again- Gold Fields
Out On The Street- Spanish Gold
Hard Out Here- Lily Allen
Dangerous- Big Data
Night By Night- Chromeo (I dare you not to dance to this one, and OMG the dude is a freakin hot dancer in the video, why don’t more men dance like that???)
Red Eyes- The War On Drugs
Fever- The Black Keys
Doses And Mimosas- Cherub
The Writing’s On The Wall- Ok Go
Get Up Offa That Thing- James Brown

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Night by night

Going crazy is easy, it’s the coming back part that takes the herculean effort. I made huge strides today: Interviewed and got a new job, and biked to the top of the mountain, despite being hampered by only 4 hours of sleep. I was going to take pictures and write for a while at the top, but I was so tired that I forgot my damn camera and my pen. I did some tarot instead, and watched an adorable couple get married.

It wasn’t until I was coming back down that I had an epiphany or two: First, I should have better brakes or grow bigger balls before I do that rocky, slippery downhill section again. The other is that I will be kind of going back to corporate yucky (never an office, hell no), and I’m heartbroken over leaving the bakery. But it will be a huge relief to get away from my insane and unpredictable boss. I need stability, and eliminating that situation will relieve huge amounts of stress and drama. I will miss the cake though, and how happy it makes people.
Of course, it’s all contingent on me passing a drug test tomorrow morning, lol. I’m sure it will be fine, despite the prodigious amounts of weed I have ingested this summer (Ok, maybe not that much, I just wanted to use that word).

One of the worst tortures of life, is that I have to spend so much time worrying about numbers and paying the bills when I’m an artist to the bone, and I just want to be creating all the time, not working in some soul-killing field. It’s tricky to find work that is healthy, enriching, and pays a decent wage. I’ve worked a lot of different careers, blue collar, white collar, and everything in between. They can be fun, interesting, but they all hurt my soul a little or a lot. I feel like I’m not fulfilling my destiny if I’m not pursuing my artistic goals, even if they aren’t what society says I should be doing. Oh well, I’m an unmarried, childless, sex-positive crazy woman who won’t shut the fuck up, so I’m well outside the boundaries anyway. It’s often an uncomfortable place to be, but I feel really sorry for those who are stuck in their boxes.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow. I see change coming, and I can feel it in the air. It’s scary, but exciting like jumping out of a plane. You just go for it, and hope for the best.
Love to all

Night By Night- Chromeo
Cherry Pop- Alexandra Stan
Hard Out Here- Lily Allen
Man Of Colors- Icehouse
Everybody’s Changing- Keane
All About That Bass- Meghan Trainor
Take Me To Church- Hozier
My Blue Angel- Aaron Tippin
I’m No Stranger To The Rain- Keith Whitley

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Lemon meringue anything

I found a store that sells natural lotions and soaps, and they will mix up a custom scent for you from their vast array of essential oils. I put together the perfect combination: french vanilla and lemon. It’s invigorating but relaxing, cheerful, and with no bad memories attached. It smells rather like lemon meringue pie, and it gives me a long lasting burst of happiness whenever I smell it. I need to make a perfume to take with me anywhere. It seems like the perfect anti-anxiety smell. Now if I could create lotions that smell like pumpkin pie and bacon, I would be irresistible and unbeatable. Smells have a powerful effect on the brain- one of many reasons that I love baking. It’s incredibly uplifting to have your whole house smelling delicious.
I’m crawling into bed now, not as depressed as I could be, because I smell so fucking fabulous. Ah, it really is the little things. Colors, smells, taste, touch- they help me make it through a lot.

Love to all, especially to Hope. xoxo

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Random potential

He makes me laugh like I never thought I would again. Other than intelligence, a sense of humor is vital and worth its weight in gold. There are so many stupid, uptight dudes, buried in their stuck, self-righteous ways. This one has potential, even though he is ridiculously hyper- way more than me.

I’m sure it won’t last long, despite his weird determination. I sure appreciate someone who actually cares about me though, and who treats me like an equal human. I know I am easily taken advantage of, and I tend to get caught by abusive narcissistic types ie, the electrician who was super emotionally manipulative and just mean (even while telling me what a nice guy he was). It’s one of many reasons I stay single, and date mostly as an inside joke to myself. I’d rather be independent, than stuck with some stupid asshole who will treat me terribly, beat me back down into victim mode, and/or cramp my style. There’s a ton of advantages to being single, even if my Libra soul doesn’t always appreciate them.

I thought I totally blew it the other day. I had a PMS day from hell, a severe wave of terrifying depression, and I have a terrible tendency to say random shit I don’t mean when I’m freaking out. When my emotions get that intense, I never know what will come out verbally or in text. I work really hard at not saying dumb or harsh things, but texting has been the worst curse ever added to my life. Somehow my humor and sarcasm don’t come across well at all. Just ask the asshole fighter pilot, ROFLMFAO.

This new contender is wicked smart, very witty, and he appreciates that I have a brain as well. It’s exciting to bounce ideas back and forth, and see what sticks. I have a zillion ideas, but I’m a butterfly that needs a little help getting grounded, without getting stuck. It’s not that easy to find. Maybe I can walk with him for a while- it would be lovely to have a supportive companion. He totally gets bonus points for his patience, and how well he responded to my awful, unexpected flashback. I’m completely stunned that he wants to still see me.
Of course, I did make him an awesome breakfast after our short night of little sleep and no sex. I may be mentally ill, but I’ve always been working on being a fabulous partner so I could be ready if I ever met the right one who would appreciate it. I have zero expectations and a lot of disgust for modern men, but you never know.

Say It Isn’t So- Hall and Oates
What I Wouldn’t Do- Serena Ryder
Human Touch- Rick Springfield
Crazy In The Night- Kim Carnes
Lean On Me- Bill Withers

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Cake ninja

The potluck theme tonight was “ninja”, so there was a weird combination of food. Lots of rice dishes, Chinese food, and pizza (??), which I didn’t understand at all, but appreciated nonetheless. I worked late at the newspaper, so I defaulted back to what I bring when I can’t think of anything or don’t have time to cook: cake. Dark chocolate cake covered in fudge icing, without the little ninja dude that was supposed to go on it but which I left at home. It got a round of cheers anyway, and that was before I brought out the cupcakes and brownies.

I laughed when a sweet little Kawasaki Ninja swept by me today. I got rid of my Ninja years ago, and have regretted it ever since. It was too small, not enough power at all, but I loved it. I got it for a 100 bucks in college, and I used to ride it on the country roads out through the wheat fields. Blue skies, perfect golden rolling hills, no one around for miles. That bike was so tiny and agile (compared to the massive Honda Gold Wing I learned on), it was amazing. One of these days I’m going to get another motorcycle, preferably one that will be both on and off road-worthy, with lots of power, and with a full set of body armor/ custom leathers that my designer friend has already offered to make. Might as well get style points for the inevitable bouncing off the pavement. Like the staff in the ER always used to say: “104% of riders get in accidents”.

The potluck theme next week is “flowers”, so I’m guessing that most everything will be plant based. Borrrrrring. I think that I’ll be a smart ass and make flowers out of things like steak and bacon. Or- given my schedule these days, it might be another decadent cake, covered in icing flowers. Play to your strengths, is what they say. I do a lot of other things, but I always come back to cake. Life is incredibly short, and a little bit of sweetness can help a lot.

Love and good food to all

Goodnight Moon- Shivaree
What I Wouldn’t Do- Serena Ryder
Magic- The Cars

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Stick it in

Damn the wolves of depression, I won this battle!!! Wahoo and phew. 

What worked in 24 hours: I started with a new acupuncturist and spent time with wildly creative, nurturing friends. Thank goodness. What didn’t work: cigarettes, insomnia. Mixed results: crying, curling up in fetal position, and the beer and jello shots last night. 

My adrenal production must be constant and intense. I think I will be biking fast and hard today to try and balance out those chemicals. It’s hot as hell out, I’m not particularly looking forward to it. No pain, no gain though. Actually, I’m pretty happy that I was even able to get out of bed today, much less drag my weeping ass around to get a few things done. Thank goodness I’m so driven by the panic attacks, or I’d never be able to function. 

My new needle lady was all concerned when the tear ducts turned on. I had to reassure her that I just cry all the time sometimes, and it’s nothing to panic about. Right now is definitely one of those times. Ugh, I have to go deal with people this afternoon. I have an hour to find my happy zen place. I think I miss the guy from last summer who just gave me a bunch of green butter, some money, and told me to bake something delicious. That would help me find my happy place so I could work better. I also hate to admit it, but I sure as hell miss the Concerta- my brain hasn’t felt as organized either before or since. I wonder where she can stick a big needle in to replace that. Holy shit, what a difference a few needles can make. I wonder if that’s the universe’s way of telling me I need to be penetrated appropriately. Hmmm.

Love to all

Johnny Coolman (remake)- Colin James
Tragedy- The Bee Gees
But Not Tonight- DM

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Walking in the woods

Hiking up something tall and steep always makes me feel better. My friend and I took her kids out on a gnarly trail today. She chose a mountain archaeological site; the location of spirit quests for Native Americans. They go seek their spirit guide on this mountain, and spend all night up there hauling rocks around. The view from the top was magnificent- you can feel and see exactly why it’s been such a powerful place since prehistoric times. 

We were all stressed out on the way there- the kids had a bunch of meltdowns, and the hike up was challenging. Then we came out on top, and everyone’s mood changed like magic. The energy up there was clear, pure, beautiful. It was an inspiring way to spend a sunny Sunday afternoon. I feel much better; recharged and ready. I bet I will have intense dreams tonight.

Love to all




She’s A Beauty- The Tubes
Stolen Dance- Milky Chance
Elongo- Bedouin Soundclash

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Melody, harmony, percussion

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” — Faye Travers (The Painted Drum, Louise Erdrich)

I saw that quote on a FB posting and it immediately clicked. I love how humans see things in different ways, and express it so beautifully.

One of the founding members of one of my favorite bands- Pink Martini- just committed suicide. What a tragedy. In honor of Derek Rieth, and the people around him who are now traumatized and grieving:

Amado Mio- Pink Martini
Hey Eugene- Pink Martini
Hang On Little Tomato- Pink Martini
Let’s Never Stop Falling In Love- Pink Martini

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Oops, I got distracted, I should have posted this in Janua- a lonnnnng time ago.


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RIP Robin Williams

It’s really distressing to see some of the vitriol that’s being spewed about depression and suicide right now. But at least people are finally talking about it. I would like to see the hatred and fear turn into compassion and understanding. It’s just an illness; a silent, life threatening illness.

Someone who commits suicide hasn’t committed murder, and they aren’t intentionally doing anything to anyone. They are merely trying to escape their own agony, trying to get release from the torture of their existence. Addictions merely compound existing mental health issues. Please, practice compassion and understanding. And check in with people to make sure that they really are ok. Maybe once the dehumanizing stigma is gone, we won’t lose any more of our precious people. I loved Robin Williams, I grew up loving him. I really hope that his legacy is to help millions get the help they need.

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