The art of going down in flames

Mobile aesthetics April 24, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — crashinglessons @ 3:04 PM
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I’m an artist down to the bone, and aesthetics are important to me. I like to build and create, but ugly is not ok. Practical- yes, but it needs to be pleasing to the eye. I consider it everyday art therapy- how your house is arranged, what colors and forms are around you. It will affect you, whether you think about it or not.

There’s this one issue with my car, and it’s been bothering me for the decade plus that I’ve owned it. I know it’s kind of silly, and it’s totally a first world problem, but due to a stupid technical design flaw, the factory installed hubcaps on my car always popped off. I got sick of picking them up off the side of the road, so I finally took them all off and painted the ugly inner rim with black marine paint and went on with my life. I figured new hubcaps would also just pop off, and new rims were never that important or in my budget. Still, it always bothered me that my adorable car wasn’t presenting at her best. She’s gotten me so far for so long- back and forth across the country, for dozens of kayaking, mt biking, and camping trips. And then it happened. I found a place that popped a new set of hubcaps on, and it changed everything. It went from trashy to adorable in forty dollars. Yay!

Perhaps it’s a Libra thing, or my idealism rearing its persistent head, but having pleasing visuals around me makes a world of difference. I’ve always understood that art and music make me feel better, and help with my overall health. It’s been glorious, every time I walk out to my car, I just smile at how cute she is now in her old age. In the grand scheme of things, it really is silly and not in line with my goals in life to buy decorative useless material shit, and there are so many more important things to worry about. Oh my goodness though, I wish I’d known to do it years ago, because the aesthetic improvement nearly makes me moan with happiness, and reminds me of how lucky I am.

Love to all


Magic- The Cars
Shotgun Rider- Delbert McClinton



Come here April 22, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — crashinglessons @ 10:40 AM

No one should get to this place, but many have. I’m particularly fond of veterans, but I’m available for anyone who needs help. It’s ridiculous that mental health is still so misunderstood and stigmatized that people are afraid to ask for mental health care.


Image courtesy of the incredible WordPress blog: PTSD A Veteran’s View


Lemon tarts April 21, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — crashinglessons @ 9:56 PM
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Thank god for cake, and the smell of freshly baked cookies coming out of a hot oven on a cold and rainy day.

I just found a fabulous Lemon Tart recipe, and I have to put it here so I never lose it:

1 cup almond flour
3 eggs3/4 cup honey
zest of 3 lemons
3/4 cup lemon juice
4 Tablespoons melted butter


Blend all ingredients and pour into pie plate
Bake at 350 for 35 minutes



One Headlight- The Wallflowers
Love Will Turn You Around- Kenny Rogers




Jacked on sugar

Filed under: Uncategorized — crashinglessons @ 7:51 AM
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I expanded my “adults only” Easter egg hunt to two houses this year. I hope the trend continues to spread, because it is freakin hilarious. I recruited a friend, and we ran around in the morning sunshine, hiding beer, chocolate, and random funny items. Adults need more simple play time- life is brutal, short, and confusing enough. I know that there’s a million other things I should be doing, and other ways I should be spending what tiny bits of money I have. I don’t care. It’s worth it, just to see grown men and women running around like little kids. Any way I can help with renewing that sense of joy and excitement, I’m all in.

It’s more for me anyway. I’ve seen enough of how awful people can be, how violent and damaged and aggressive. It’s my secret rebellion, trying to spread warm and fuzzy energy. I wish I could do more, but never underestimate the power of love and cake. Or sugar and beer. It just seems like humans could be doing so much better. Too bad I have such a history with life threatening depression and trauma, or I would totally go into politics. One of my dream jobs is still a Goodwill Ambassador, except for the celebrity requirement. Since that will never happen, I just try to do it on my own tiny scale, and encourage others to do it as well. You never know how it could spread, but it seems like a better cause than selfish, angry materialism.  I want to see what art humans create when they are jacked up on pure happiness.

Love to all

Sweet Harmony- The Beloved
Angry All The Time- Tim McGraw
Control- Broken Bells
You Think You Know Her- Cause and Effect
Come Dancing- The Kinks


Five guys and a red dress April 20, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — crashinglessons @ 6:52 PM
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My first dress is almost done, and I understand now why people read the directions. I read them in my typical fashion- end first, scan the middle, then start at the beginning. It was an epic battle to try and read them in order, and since I didn’t understand everything, I just kinda winged it. The process of learning how to make it is more important to me than the precision of the outcome. Good thing too. It’s against my religion to iron anything, so I just skipped over any step that included that. It’s been entertaining and I love it, and I hope I don’t fuck it up when I try and put the damn zipper in. Maybe wearing it will be like waving a flag in front of the bull of the universe, and some yummy, wicked smart dudes will come my way. I know it sounds naughty,  but I think I need a harem with 5 guys, that would be perfect. Since so many modern men are stupid, boring, arrogant, it would take more than one to keep me satisfied.


Sexual- Goddess
One Good Lover- Siren
Sex (I’m a…)- Berlin



Do something April 19, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — crashinglessons @ 12:47 PM
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I just helped with radio support on the MS Walk and it was wonderful. I read the news a lot, and the bad news can be super overwhelming. It’s helpful to get out on the streets of my city and connect with others in the community, and it’s inspiring to see how many caring, proactive people there are out there. I walked for my friend Leanne, a wonderful, sparkly bubble of sunshine who is only in her 20′s, but she’s been battling MS for years.  While we were walking, I saw a very slim young woman walking with a walker and I realized that she was only wearing a light polypro shirt in the pouring rain. I shared my umbrella with her and she proceeded to blow me away with her story. She was walking alone in the pouring rain and cold because she’d made a commitment to exercise and a happy attitude. Last year she’d been confined to a motorized chair, now she walks an average of 13 miles a day with a smile on her face. I compared that experience and beautiful soul, to the image of the “Reality Housewives” detritus, and I simultaneously hope and fear for humanity. My walk partner was awesome enough to loan this woman his sweatshirt and gloves and I couldn’t stop smiling. Even though it seems like evil, violence, and fucking zombies are winning- HA! Hope and love persevere. Against all odds.

I really feel that everyone needs to commit to doing voluntary service in their community. It increases human connection through socialization, networking, and the physical act of doing something for someone else, with no expectation of reward. Even when I feel wrecked with grief and depression, I’m so inspired by people I meet. My favorite thing right now is smiling and greeting strangers as though we knew each other in a former life. The responses are beautiful. Tonight I will be wickedly planning my adults-only Easter Egg hunt. It’s fantastic to see world weary humans run around in child like joy and excitement. I wish it happened more often.



Against All Odds- Phil Collins
Timeless- Airborne Toxic Event
Satellite- Guster


Stilettos and aprons April 15, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — crashinglessons @ 11:47 AM
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Wow, last night was a gorgeous lunar eclipse and the full moon makes me feel wild and restless.  I’m still hyper and giggling with manic glee over my new burlesque name. The entire persona is already well planned out- so many reasons I love hanging out with different types of creative minds. Even if Betty Cocker only ever shows up when I’m at home baking, she’ll have great costumes. Life is art. Which reminds me; I regularly encourage people around me to break into song or dance, and it’s finally paying off. It’s beautiful to hear how people sing when they’re completely comfortable, it’s like humans purring.

Speaking of human noises, it’s super distressing to read the news. What a messy creation humans are, and horribly violent. I’m still helping out with the gardening group down at the center for the homeless, and I can’t say enough about how the gentle arts facilitate healing and foster hope. I may never make a fortune, but I swear by the power of art, cooking, and community to make positive changes in the world. Tiny bits at a time.

Since I currently can’t make warm and fuzzy happen on a large scale, I’ll focus on my sexy burlesque character, and fantasize about what my baking oriented costume will look like, and what music to choose. Oooo, imagine a room full of hot men in uniform, and I can feed them cupcakes! Hmmm. I do love to tease. My formerly wild sex-positive ethical slut side thinks I could take on a squadron, but in reality, I’d rather just write about it. However, Betty Cocker may have to come out of the kitchen and manifest on stage. Since the thought of performing terrifies me and makes me want to bolt, that might have to be my next mission. I need more fabulous in my life, and then I can put more energy out there. My pro photographer friend just suggested doing a pinup photo shoot in our cute vintage kitchen- too perfect for words. And really, I’ve just been waiting for an opportunity to wear icing pasties, my cute little apron, a garter belt, and those ridiculous stilettos. lmfao. I’m never bored. Perhaps I just need to find the right appreciative audience to inspire. omgomg my new bed just got delivered. Going to christen it right now.

Love to all


Rockin Pneumonia, Boogie Woogie Flu- Johnny Rivers
The Best- Tina Turner
Changing- Airborne Toxic Event
The Speed Of Light- OMD
Hot Mess (Feat. Elly Jackson)- Chromeo
Somebody’s Watching Me- Rockwell
Private Eyes- Hall & Oates
Let Love Speak Up Itself- The Beautiful South
Here’s Some Love- Tanya Tucker
I Feel You- Schiller
Call And Answer- Barenaked Ladies
Missing- Everything But The Girl
God Is A Bullet- Concrete Blonde
How Good It Can Get- The Wallflowers


Post modern confessional April 12, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — crashinglessons @ 12:36 AM
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A woman at work was describing her son’s recent emotional trauma over losing his fiance and his cushy job in the space of a week. She was complaining that he lacked motivation and she didn’t want to baby him, he just needed to “Get over it”. Really? Holy shit, people really are still that uneducated about mental illness. Most everyone gets it at some point, but that’s a shitty way to treat it. I suggested a counselor, and she blew me away when she got all defensive and said “He has lots of friends!”. Wow, you totally missed the point. Everyone should have a counselor, some more than others. There’s no substitute for someone who will listen in confidentiality, help with coping skills, and offer unconditional support and no judgment no matter where you are in life. More importantly, they are the people you go and talk to when you are wrecked and trying to put your life back together.

Shit, that describes my entire life. The only difference now is that I don’t have a counselor and I want one. Therapy is what religious confessional perhaps used to be. A way to dump all your sins and detritus and try again with a lighter heart, after meditating on the mistakes and vowing to do better next time. No matter what you call it, it’s a valuable thing to talk out your problems and concerns. For my depression, it’s a huge red flag when I don’t want to talk about things, and it’s a sign that I have to work harder to feel better. Mental illness is hard work, no matter how long it lasts. The worse it is, the harder you have to work just to maintain any sort of life. I just wish people weren’t so ignorant and aggressively evil about mental health issues. This woman at work, she’s like so many- doing exactly the wrong things to “help” the person with depression. Treating it wrong can make it so much worse, and so much harder to recover. But hey what the fuck do I know, I’m just that crazy woman with a cake obsession.


Broken Hearted Savior- Big Head Todd And The Monsters
This Is How A Heart Breaks- Rob Thomas
Blue- Leann Rimes
Heartbreak Hotel- Elvis
Living Dead Girl- Rob Zombie


The bell curve April 10, 2014

It’s funny how sometimes you learn things that change your entire world. Holy shit I wish I’d learned a lot of things sooner. It’s inutterably depressing to realize I was missing some vitally important information, but at least I have it now. Too late, but perhaps wisdom will count for something in the end.

Even after all this time, the depression and panic attacks still take my breath away and they’re so agonizing and debilitating that I wonder how I can survive, how anyone can. My heart feels permanently broken, and I don’t see any kind of happy ending possible in my future. I will find beauty and bits of joy where I can, and I do quite often, but overall I know that a full recovery isn’t possible. I wrecked too hard, trusted the wrong people, had faith in a world that doesn’t truly exist. It’s a lot nicer in my world. There’s a lot more love and community. I’m still not sure what to do with this reality, but it makes me cry a lot. My friend keeps telling me that if emotions are power, I have a huge untapped resource. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Love to all

Lunatic Fringe- Red Rider
Shadow Of The Day- Linkin Park
A Word In Spanish- Elton John


Love song April 9, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — crashinglessons @ 10:41 PM
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I woke up thinking oh my love, I want to wake you up slowly like a sunny spot on Sunday morning. I want to share that purring, glowing stretch into the awakening smell of fresh coffee and simplicity and happiness. How random, but what a lovely image to start the day. It inspired me to write again. I even pulled out my trashy novel to see if heavy editing could save it. Nope, but it’s fun as hell to work on.

It’s sunny and beautiful out, and hope blossoms again. The flower in the crack of asphalt, the poetry of the garden, baby animals brand new in the world, old couples holding hands. I parked my car under a flowering tree and it was covered in petals, so when I drove away I left a trail of drifting white behind me. It was glorious. I wish life was always that poetic.
Love to all.

Days Go By (Acoustic)- Dirty Vegas
The Way To Your Heart- Soulsister
Fallen Angel- Saga
Just Another Day (Spanish Edit)- Jon Secada
Johnny Coolman- Colin James
Love Will Conquer All- Lionel Richie
Hunting High And Low- A-Ha
Touch It- Monifah
The Boxer- Mumford and Sons
I Still Can’t Get Over Loving You- Ray Parker Jr.
Fast Movin’ Train- Restless Heart
Big Green Tractor- Jason Aldean

Working on this one:




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