If I Can’t Have You

Coworker dude is super sweet and I wouldn’t hurt him for the world; I even posted on social media that I’m in a relationship – just to avoid that awkward conversation. I know he’s a very gentle soul and lord knows the world will break you in a zillion other ways – why add to that?

Now I get to have lots of awkward conversation with my friends, who are already wondering who my mysterious partner is. But after considering it for a couple of days, I decided that I’d rather put it out there that I’m off the market – it’s much simpler and easier and I can explain it to my close friends privately. For all intents and purposes, I’ve been in love forever anyway. No, I didn’t give my heart or soul to any man – I gave it to humanity in general, all wrapped up as my handsome Muse. Few men can compare. Although… I would reconsider if presented by a couple of hot men in uniform. Lmfao – make me a sandwich!

Love to all

Holding Out For A Hero – Bonnie Tyler
If I Can’t Have You – Yvonne Elliman

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Under the harvest moon

A little wave blew through today, and I could almost smell the ocean, hear the waves breaking on a rocky shore, feel the familiar path beneath my feet. Followed immediately by a wash of homesickness and longing for what is gone forever. Back when I still believed in the safety and haven of a small hometown, and the idea that heroes might still exist – even if they would never, could never see me.

Someday I hope I can move out of the city again, live somewhere quiet and peaceful near water – the only place I can truly feel at ease and home at last. Oh god I miss it though, can barely express it in words how much it hurts sometimes. Remembering how that time was like having my heart ripped out over and over for years. Trauma after trauma until I didn’t feel like me at all, just a shivering, over medicated wreck of a human who was stuck in some dark hell while pretending everything was normal and fine. It was so hard to break the habits of that lifetime, and so many people thought it wasn’t possible, would never happen. Now here I am, completely different, scar tissue over the worst of it and on a totally different path. Thank fucking god/goddess.

Love to all


Cough Syrup – Young The Giant
Swept Away – Diana Ross
Superstition – Stevie Wonder
Brother – NeedtoBreathe
Forget Me Nots – Patrice Rushen
Didn’t It Rain – Evelyn Freeman
We Don’t Talk Anymore – Cliff Richard
In My Dreams – Berlin
Drowning In The Sea Of Love – The Adventures
Cheap Thrills – Sia
Shadow Of The Day – Linkin Park
You Don’t Know Love – Olly Murs
Much Too Young- Garth Brooks
The Radio – Vince Gill

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Search and rescue

I dated a wonderfully sweet man once who was a retired Navy search and rescue jumper. His stories were inspiring, and his bumper sticker cracked me up (Support Search and Rescue – Get Lost). Now, years later, I have the chance to volunteer with SAR and I jumped at it. Every child in distress, every struggling teen, and so many adults – who doesn’t secretly dream of being rescued out of your dark moments? I certainly dreamed of it, over and over for years. But I was rescued, by different wonderful humans who came into my life at just the right moment – whether I was ready or not.

It would be wonderful if I could contribute to someone else’s happy moment – that joy when a stranger gives you a much needed hand out of hell – I know the reality is nothing like that, but I’m nothing if not optimistic. It’s a messed up world, and apathy won’t do shit to change things. SAR means being on call 24/7 until I quit, but wtf, I’m not that busy. Besides, volunteering helps immensely in the battles of me vs the wolves of depression.

Love to all: May you get the help you need, exactly when you need it. Even the asshole pilots.

Rescue Me – Madonna

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Urban lullabies

How powerful does a human experience have to be before it leaves a mark on your soul? I only ask because there’s some shit I don’t want to repeat in any other lifetime.

I couldn’t sleep last night – all strung out, nerves screaming in a stupid panic attack. Today was an important day at work, and I knew I needed rest but I couldn’t shut my brain off. It was torture, and it made me wish for a lover to help me work off the anxiety in happier ways.

Insomnia is the worst, and you’d think I’d be used to it after so many years of sleep problems. Nope. It made my suspension class that much harder – drugged with exhaustion, dripping sweat. My brain drove me to do that too, and I feel tons better.

When in doubt with mental illness – work it out physically until your brain chemicals calm down. I completely understand Forrest Gump going for a run when emotions overwhelmed him – exercise is one of the most wonderful gifts/treatments. I should have done more of it last night, but I was too much mental pain to think of it. And for what? Nothing worth freaking out over. Dear sweet melatonin, help me ignore that shit and get some sleep tonight.

Love and restful sleep to all


One Good Lover – Siren
Big Decisions – My Morning Jacket
Try A Little Tenderness – The Commitments
Sleep – Allen Stone
Simple Song – The Shins

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Volume at highway speed

Sometimes I wonder what it might have been like if the timing had been different – but it matters not at all except if I can use the images for short story material. There’s no sense in wondering, because that shit’s all done now. I try to look at it as a learning experience and move along as well as I can. Holy fuck how awful though. So many years wrecked and lost forever. Then again, at least it’s given me a lot of compassion for others. And what the hell, I did have lots of fun in the manic phases.

If I’m stable and doing so much better now that I’m off all the medication and after disowning half my family and starting my life basically over, am I still bipolar? Oh fuck it, the labels don’t even matter.


Just Say Yes – Snow Patrol
Everyone’s A Winner – Hot Chocolate
Born To Be Alive – Patrick Hernandez
Dancing On My Own – Robyn
I’m Amazed – My Morning Jacket
In My Dreams – Berlin


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Back in college my roommate and I would head out into the mountains on Friday afternoons. She’d convinced some guy to let us ride his horses on hours-long meanderings through the woods.  I can remember the warm afternoon sunlight filtering through the trees, and the stress and cares of the week just melting away with the sound of hooves. We would bring carrots, apples, and brush them, groom them, and saddle up. By the end of college we could gallop bareback and jump small obstacles, and I had gotten addicted to the sensation of going out into the beautiful countryside to recharge and refresh.

This weekend I got to go back out into the countryside and hang out on a farm again – there’s something reassuring about the smell of a barn and giant shop space full of farm tools, and what joy to see horses trotting up to say hello. We helped with a tiny house project, had a huge BBQ, and curled up with fuzzy dogs around the campfire.

Which leads me to this: with my history and the labels I’ve been given, I was never supposed to do this well, or to be this stable and happy. There’s still some stress and anxiety, and work to be done, but all in all – I’m so happy. I finally ditched the mean dude, the sweet one is still around, I have a new personal trainer who is kicking my ass in wonderful ways, I’m rocking my new career, my finances are about to be glorious, and I may actually be able to go on a longer adventure next year. Phew. I want to get out and away from the city and out into the wilderness for a while. I’m not sure about horseback riding, but perhaps some mountain biking or dirt biking. I feel the need to swim in tropical waters, and hike around Alaska or take a train across Canada. Perhaps run around the red dirt of Colorado and into the parks of Utah. How wonderful that things have changed so much that these are now options.

Love and healing to all


Can’t Even Get the Blues – Reba McEntire
Every Little Thing – Carlene Carter (Ignore the lyrics)
My House – Flo-Rida
Indian Summer – Stereophonics
Oh Lonesome Me – Kentucky Headhunters
I Close My Eyes – Shivaree
Elongo – Bedouin Soundclash


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Damn fools

The lawyer dude started preaching a little about how it’s impossible to be depressed when you consider how lucky we are, especially in comparison with many parts of the world. I just smiled and looked at him, inwardly wrestling with a quietly building irritation. I’ve been breezy happy every time I’ve seen him, per my normal attitude, but that is a conscious choice which most people like him aren’t aware of.

Depression manifests differently for everyone, and it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with external circumstances. Why do people not get that it can be a chemical issue in your damn brain, and yes choosing your attitude helps, but I still may feel like the world has ended or is soon about to end. Trust me – I know how lucky I am, but I also know how many years and how much work I’ve put into beating back the wolves of depression.

So yes, when some smug rich white dude starts preaching to me about depression and gratitude, I kinda want to scream. That’s not even telling him about the panic attacks, the PTSD, and the arguable label of bipolar. I think he’d lose his shit and be one of those people who always say “Oh, you’re not bipolar, you don’t seem that way at all.”GRRR- it took many agonizing crashes and years of difficult work to get here, you ignorant fuk, plus it’s a whole lifestyle and attitude to maintain my equilibrium. Now kindly learn about real mental illness and stop yer damn fool preachin.


Papa Don’t Preach – Madonna
Hard Lesson – The Burned

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Love in times of war

The airport is magical and heartbreaking at the same time. I love it for the endless possibilities it teasingly suggests. The stories that have passed through, all that emotional energy; the hugs and kisses of welcome, and the tears of goodbye. People-watching in the airport is completely inspiring.

I bring my notebook and pretend that I’m an international writer headed off to celebrate human culture somewhere beautiful. I want to eat in celebration and do art projects with different communities. Most of all I dream about being able to safely travel as a single woman throughout Mesopotamia, and I want to see Egypt without worrying that I’ll be shot, raped, killed, imprisoned, tortured. I would love to see it change in my lifetime so that the next generation doesn’t have to live in that kind of world.

Tomorrow I get on a plane, and as always, I hope for something magical while I’m passing through the airport; those exchanged glances shared with strangers you’ll never see again. It’s poetic and perfect.

My coworker was teasing me about how trusting and hopeful I am and it’s true. I want to see the best in people, despite the horrible shit we all can do to each other. It’s my everlasting inner librarian/teacher hoping against all odds that we can inspire and motivate each other to do better, be better. That’s what I want to see trending.



Summer Rain – Belinda Carlisle
Lovers in a Dangerous Time – Bruce Cockburn
Heartbeat City – The Cars
In My Dreams – Berlin
The Presence of Love- The Alarm




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Altering boring clothing is one of my favorite things. I like to take a completely plain article like a basic dress and go at it with scissors, seam ripper, or maybe add a ruffle, some ribbon or trim that will make it pop. It’s much faster than buying fabric and making the garment from scratch – fabric has gotten expensive too. I’m limited for time and I love having a blank art canvas ready to go. Each one is a challenge.

Plain dresses are perfect for alteration projects, but it’s easy to get tons of clothes for cheap, and use the fabric and/or forms for whatever ideas you want to explore. It’s inexpensive, entertaining, and great for my head and heart.

Art supplies and art time help mental health beyond measure. I suspect that it’s partly because expressing yourself and telling your story is a necessary part of the human condition; the only difference is what medium you choose. I’m currently telling my story in wearable form, image, color. Bonus if I can make something fabulous that has no duplicate in the known universe.

Love to all


Could Have Been Me – The Struts
Love An Adventure – Pseudo Echo


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Lonely like forever

Depression woke me at 6:30; heartbroken and sore down to my soul. Lonely like forever, despairing for humanity in general and myself in particular.

Given the current state of things, I decided I needed to do housework in heels and a pinup dress. Writing, photography, art, sewing, baking, cleaning, gardening – these make life so much better when the blues return. Logically I know how incredibly lucky and blessed I’ve been, so I will try to focus on that, even when my brain is swamped with the sad chemicals.

Oh how I wish I could do kitchen magic to make some worldwide calm and compassion, but simple cinnamon rolls will have to do, and a long technical bike ride. Alone as usual and in a dress, because I still want to be both feminine and ninja bad ass.


21 Summer – The Brothers Osborne

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