Chances are

The firefighter is texting me – how funny. I love the honeymoon period, when you’re seeking the commonalities, the similarities, the ways to connect. Chances are that it won’t last, but the idea of it is wonderful. What normal woman doesn’t melt into a puddle in the presence of a firefighter? That strength and calm, the devotion to service, that big red truck – pretty fantastic.

My only fervent prayer is that none of them use their connections to run a background check on me. I know my past will haunt me forever, but it’s too soon to talk about my suicide attempts. Even worse is if he happens to know someone who responded to the call – those are awkward, horrible conversations that I don’t want to have yet.

For now I just want some fun conversation with a sweet man. After that last nightmare of a dude, it would be lovely to have some normal, adult conversation with someone interesting. It’s just a bonus that this one is so handsome and intelligent as well. Dreamy…no big deal that I got the date from an auction, it’s money way better spent than online dating, or sorting through the apathetic hipsters around here.

SOTD
Dreaming – OMD

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The need for art

One of my favorite parts of the creative process is when you can’t wait to get up in the morning to see it. I love to examine how the now-dried paint has changed the feel of the paintings. The texture and color of  the design seen with a rested pair of eyes

I’m working on a series of three tiny paintings; it works best when I have multiple projects going at once, and I can bounce back and forth. The variety is like cross training for my creative brain. Art projects are wildly therapeutic- they extra help me with the messy and painful parts of life. At those times I especially love to read about other artists and what expressions they used to reflect the human experience.

It’s so valuable for society to have art;  what miraculous things humans can create… and everything that’s ever been created by humans was once just an idea floating around in someone’s brain. I just wish more of the creations were for humans doing fantastic things, and less destruction.

Politics are not my favorite thing to talk about; but as a single, childless, female writer/artist, I’m revolted by our current administration. How awful to have more creepy old white guys pretending to lead us, while they dismantle and destroy the very fabric of our society. They have gone mad with power and greed.  What’s the point of fighting, if we don’t have the beautiful natural world, and the beautiful creations that humans come up with? Is there really that much money and satisfaction in war and divisiveness? We can do so much better.

Quote of the year: “Don’t build a wall, build a deck and invite everybody.”

SOTD
Waiting for a Light That Never Comes – Linkin Park
Beethoven’s 9th
Collide – Howie Day
Baby Likes to Rock It – The Tractors

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A pathway of letters shooting out into space and finding their way to you

One post in particular that I wrote keeps getting read over and over. It’s not one that I expected, but I like it. I doubt it’s getting read by who it was meant for, but really – what ever works out like we hope? As a writer, it’s pretty glorious to have a wide open forum to talk about anything I can imagine, and I’m delighted and grateful that I have readers at all. There’s not much I can do about who reads it, or when, or how often. Holy crap I am wildly curious though. And oh yes, I do wish. Blame it on the dreamy romantic idealism of a writer.

Yeah, I know reality will constantly give me hard lessons in what is more likely to happen. I got all kinds of stories about that. But it’s the happy ending fun adventure kind of stories that the world needs more of.

SOTD
Seven Year Ache – Rosanne Cash
Hard Lesson – The Burned
Light You Up – Shawn Mullins
The Way To Your Heart – Soul Sister

 

 

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Steam whistles in the night

 

My weekend was pretty quiet, so I headed down to the Oregon Rail Heritage Center. I thought a few pictures of cool trains would perk me up. My favorite is the photo of a black and white photo of a train pulled into the railroad station. I’ve had dreams that look exactly like that, it was like seeing a memory.

The smells of the center, the beautiful curves and sleek design of the rail cars made me think of steam engines and that long, haunting steam whistle that pierces the night. Couples parted forever, or the wild elation and bitter sorrows that can be found at any train station in the world.

SOTD

Fast Movin’ Train – Restless Heart
Du Hast – Rammstein
All Is Forgiven – Siren

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Never over you

I’ve been reading a lot lately, from a constantly changing stack of books from the library, added to my own decent stacks. They give me solace like few other things in this world. Words from brilliant but long-dead authors, illuminating struggles now lost to time. They help bring understanding and a wider view of the strange and alarming current world events.

Currently I’m reading a fascinating biography of the Mitford family. I just finished a wild romp through Caravaggio’s life – now totally obsessed with needing to go see some of his works in person. Instead of watching tv last night, I read about a bunch of more adventurous local hikes, and 100 Photographs That Changed The World. The flip of pages, the hefty weight of pages of wonderful storytelling; I fall in love over and over.

Next up is a re-read of the engineering techniques for building immense sand castles, and a large volume comfortingly titled When All Hell Breaks Loose– because you never know when I might need those skills. Waiting patiently are piles of other books, teasing me with their stores of humor, knowledge, wisdom, and strategies for managing this messy human life.

SOTD
What Kind of Love – Rodney Crowell
Never Gonna Give You Up – Rick Astley

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Military gray

I fell completely in love with the Spruce Goose – I stood staring up at it thinking how gorgeous it is… and that this is what it looks like when a brilliant and mentally ill human has a huge budget to create with. I walked around it, imagining what it would look like if they’d painted it with clear gloss instead of gray paint. How spectacular to see all that beautiful wood and craft, exposed in detail. It’s magnificent anyway even though that serious military gray covers it all.

That was a fun museum; my favorite new word is “chine” from the Blackbird, biplanes still make me gushy happy, and I redeveloped some intense feelings for the DC-3. Even though I do these things on my own and I don’t have the regular benchmarks of success, I actually feel pretty happy right now. How amazing – I’m so grateful. I try not to dwell on it, but after having battled depression so intensely for so long, I feel the most profound thanks for the blessings I have now. Only physical torture can compare to the mental agony of depression, and what bliss during the times it’s lifted. When I feel baseline, I completely appreciate the wonder of everyday life. Especially if there’s old cars, steam engine trains, or airplanes involved. It’s like going from the gray dim winter into an explosion of spring color.

SOTD

Parachute – Chris Stapleton
And She Was – Talking Heads

 

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Evergreen symphony

These days when I get a burning desire to do something, I usually run with it as much as I am able. The symphony called to me last night, and I got a little dressed up and went by myself, it felt decadent and wonderful. There was a lot of white hair in that crowd, in comparison I felt young like spring chicken. The music was lovely;  something about classical music affects the electrical circuits in my brain. Jazz does it too, especially the more chaotic or free form compositions. Music is such heavenly mental health treatment.

Today it’s off to the aviation museum, because I’ve been waiting forever for the opportunity and life is short so today I’m finally going to see one of the coolest aircraft on the planet!!!!!! OMG!!! Yeah, I know I’m a dork, but human flight is super exciting, and it’s the Spruce Goose – why has it taken me so many years to get over to visit such a marvelous creation??? And I’m going to imagine what it would have been like to have hot sex with Howard Hughes in the plane. Yummmm.

Love to all

SOTD
In A Letter to You – Eddy Raven
Voyeur – Kim Carnes
The Sweet Goodbye – Kelley Hunt

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Lost on you

I imagine that he’s figured out by now that I changed my phone number. What a relief – without his constant drama and manipulation, my life has slipped back into a much better mode. I’m a Libra so I extra love having a partner, but not if there’s that shit involved. Modern men, I swear – they’re too often arrogant, lazy, violent, and stupid, but yet completely convinced that women are the lesser sex and men are oh so superior. Why TF should I put up with some primitive tripod who talks down to me and doesn’t treat me like a whole human? Hell to the NO.

SOTD
Lost On You – LP

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My dream house

If there is such a thing, it would come in a form like this – preferably something with sails and in a little better condition, but I’m not picky.

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Wet

All weekend long I fought it, tried to hold it off with a hike up to a waterfall and a drive by the river. After another rough week at work – wondering what I’m doing there and how I got so trapped – I was ready to scream with frustration and exhaustion. By Sunday morning I decided to take a chance.

An oil change, some fervent prayer-type activity (non-denominational), and I had to go. I felt like I would literally die if I didn’t get to the ocean that day, and as I well know, that feeling of desperation can make us all do crazy shit. For once, I decided to run with it. I needed the smell of the ocean, the sound of the waves, more than air or pretty much anything else. I felt beaten and battered and so depressed that it was a last ditch effort to boost my spirits before I had to face another week.

Just getting out of town helped a lot. When the road finally curved around and the ocean came into view, I took a deep breath like I haven’t in months. The exhaustion and sadness slipped away for a moment and I felt like I might actually have a chance again. The sunlight broke through as I drove over the Astoria bridge on my way somewhere new to visit a lighthouse – one of my favorite things.

Because I felt so terrible, I stopped first and splurged a little at the Columbia River Maritime Museum. Sometimes I feel a deep affinity with sailors and all things nautical, even though I’ve never been on the open sea. But depression feels like I imagine it would be in a ship out in the ocean in the middle of a storm. Wind whipped, half drowned by endless waves, no stars to light up the blackest of nights.

Then again, the ocean gives me the most amazing comfort and source of strength. I really went there in hopes of seeing the Columbia river bar in a fabulous fury, but all was calm and still in the cool sunshine. Even though I was alone as usual, feeling isolated and bruised by recent battles with the wolves – I returned later that evening feeling much better, faith somewhat restored (and completely amazed that my car got me there and back). Some people go to church, I go outdoors. More specifically, I go to the water.

SOTD
Tower of Song – Leonard Cohen
Amado Mio – Pink Martini
Lonely Town – Brandon Flowers
You Don’t Know – Berlin

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