One of my friends is one of only two gay roofers that I’ve ever heard of. They are rare because roofers are completely homophobic- they brag about how they would throw gay guys off the roof. When he got outed, foremen refused to work with him, even though they had for years before. I love him, he’s super funny and chill, and his “wife” is a femme guy from the Phillippines, and they’ve been happy together for years.
My friend invited me to go on a whitewater trip with them today – they raft and I kayak. I almost died on one of their trips because I tailed a raft that blocked my exit line out of a gnarly rapid and I got pinned underwater briefly between their raft and a huge boulder. It took a few centuries before I got flushed out way the hell downstream. It was a bad one. I don’t usually like to boat with them because rafts and kayaks travel at different speeds and rafts are like whales. Besides, that group drinks heavily on the river and I’m not ok with that – I’m all about river safety and being a sober boater.
I had to work today anyway, like every day, even though I was sorely tempted to call in sick. I’ve gone paddling hundreds of times, but never paddled that particular river, and it was perfect weather for it. And then I got a text this afternoon saying that my friend was killed in a crash this morning just after 7:30am, with alcohol probably a factor. Super sad and broken hearted. RIP my wonderful friend.
Only God Knows Why- Kid Rock
It happens across all cultures, and I think it’s the worst thing you can do to another human. Shunning, isolating, ex-communicating – it’s akin to saying you want the person to die, but you don’t want to get your self-righteousness dirty by killing them. Even the silent treatment is pretty shitty. I’ve gotten it over the years, especially when I was really sick. Mental illness is one of those triggers for people, and how do people react? You leave the crazy person alone, back away slowly, and keep them the fuck out of your life. I understand it, but people with mental health issues often are in need of extra social support, and when everyone withdraws from them, the illness is likely going to get worse.
I’m so glad I have the social skills to maintain a social support network. If nothing else, I love having a variety of people around, because others can often think of things that my brain could never imagine, and I appreciate the artistic and intellectual stimulation. One person working alone can’t accomplish much. I am so grateful for the people who have helped me along the way. And pardon the profanity but here’s a giant FU to the dickheads who thought I should just die, including the fucking fighter pilot. There’s no situation that can’t be made worse by some arrogant pricks with a god complex. I’m the one with the label, but damn, some people seem way sicker than I will ever be. At least I care deeply about people, and I understand the vital importance of community.
Love to all, even the haters
SOB – Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats
Don’t Answer Me – A.P.P.
I’d bet that he married someone impeccably groomed, cultured, civilized. Instead of the half-feral mess that I seem to be. I try to be sophisticated, but the wild woman is really never that far away. What do you do? I can sort of play the political yuppie game, but I’m not happy doing it, and I don’t fit in. I need green space and room to move without a bunch of rich, judgmental people around me. Which is why I live where I do. This town is full of weird, artsy, progressives who can be annoying, but I appreciate them anyway.Here I can do art and be whoever I feel like being, mostly without fear.
It’s no wonder the uptight fly boys didn’t like it here – except for the full-nudity strip clubs. Apes always want to see hot women naked; they just don’t want to hear them speak intelligently afterwards. Maybe smart women are too much of a threat?
Send Me An Angel- Real Life
Yes, thank the gods for whoever invented this. It keeps me out of bad situations, and takes the edge off so I won’t be distracted. I have better things to do than idiot men, and I’m not terribly impressed with modern men – even if I didn’t have a penchant for picking terrible ones. Although I am having lots of fun flirting these days.
It’s a pretty sad commentary on our world, that I still don’t feel that safe talking about these things. Men seem to think that if you are sexual, you get whatever they feel like dishing out. It’s pretty revolting how women are treated in many places. I’m a white woman in a safe part of a first world country, and I feel unsafe a lot, and like most women, I’ve been raped, molested, harrassed, etc. It’s just revolting, and I pray for it to change. While I’m waiting, thank goodness for the little pink miracle.
I Ain’t Breaking- Steve Holy
Morning Wood – Nth Degree
Hard Out Here – Lily Allen
Holding Out For A Hero – Bonnie Tyler
SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES
What a wonderful relief that I can finish reading a book again. I was pretty terrified that it would never come back, even after I stopped taking Abilify. Damn, that shit messed up my brain. It’s been 5 or 6 years, and I feel like it really took that long to recover. I practiced a lot, and started a lot of books, checked out a ton from the library, and in the end, I think my worry about it was worse than the effects are now. I have been plowing through books with a gradually increasing pace, feeling better by the page.
It’s hard to describe how a medication makes your brain feel different. Some, like Ritalin derivatives, make it feel like a miraculously organized file cabinet. SSRI’s turned on the happy chemical that I didn’t even notice was missing, while dropping anxiety and panic attack levels enough to function. For a while anyway. I was on them for so long that I had to keep switching every few years to maintain efficacy. And the mood stabilizers that I asked for, against some medical advice, because I wanted to escape reality, and the nightmare that it seemed to be – they predictably wrecked me.
All the pills and shrinks, and all the money and time I spent did help me in a way, but damn it’s been a long road to recovery. Messy, heartbreaking, and longer than I planned, but there it is. Feeling sooooo much better now. Today I worked at my hospital job, then went food shopping, to the library for a giant stack of new tempting books, then to the gym, and phew, so much higher functioning than I ever thought I would be 6 years ago.
Pandora’s Box – OMD
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged anxiety, books, depression, hope, library, panic attacks, pills, reading, recovery, shrinks, wtf
It was perfect weather to be out in the Columbia Gorge. It’s so beautiful out there. I got up early, and headed out of the Portland gray and into spectacular sunshine. WAAAM is one of my favorite museums on the planet, mostly because I love cars, motorcycles, and airplanes, the older the better. They keep all of their collection in working order, so it’s pretty much heaven.
A quick Zipcar reservation, and I was able to make it there and back, and even to work on time after that. I went running in wearing a dress, did the quick change, and started working, only to have marine dude getting all sweet in my space without minutes of my arrival. It was nice to see him again, and that was an unexpected ending to a lovely day. Wonderful! I don’t see it going anywhere, but the flirty romantic part is delightful. I flirted with airplanes all morning, so it was lovely to have a human to respond in kind.
Reunion – Erasure
Only You – Yaz
The dude wouldn’t move
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged airplanes, antique autos, cars, fly-in, Hood River, love, Oregon, sexy, sunshine, travel, WAAAM, writing
I keep seeing this dude looking at me when he think I don’t notice. When I look at him, he’s very conspicuously on his phone. He looks like he’s on steroids, and he’s way too young for me anyway. It’s kinda funny though. Flirting is really fun, and it’s about the only thing I feel like I can stand these days. Dating hurts too much, and my opinion of men is pretty much at rock bottom. Modern men seem like stupid, selfish assholes, with no idea how spoiled they are, and I don’t have any time for such apes. Maybe if there was a brilliant one with any sense of decency, I might consider it. Otherwise, I refuse.
Since I’m so touch deprived, and my life is lacking the kind of romantic partnership that I prefer, I am full of ideas for romantic fiction stories and plot lines. I can at least live vicariously through my characters, since reality honestly just breaks my heart all the time. I don’t know why I ever leave the library, as I kinda wish I could keep my head either in a book or writing one. My books will have tons of happy endings – of all kinds.
Stay a Little Longer – Brothers Osborne
Burn It Down – Linkin Park
I miss you most in the hours before dawn. I hear you sometimes in the murmur of a crowd, and I’ve seen you a few times over the years. Always across a crowded room, in an elevator as the doors close, or getting onto a different plane. I don’t believe in the true love happy ending crap that we’re fed in Disney doses. Relationships take work, and I want to wait for you to do that work with. I’ve tried it a few times, and stuck it out for a while. I even almost got married once, but I couldn’t do it. I’m not sure you even exist, although I’ve seen glimpses of you in different people. It took me a long time to realize that even if you are around, you’ll probably never see me. I’m not beautiful, I have no money, I’m profoundly damaged from years of abuse, and I know all too well how 99% of humans view those of us with mental illness – never mind that there are some awesome, positive aspects to it.
It’s silly really, and just a product of my overactive imagination. How can you miss someone you never met?
Kiss You Tonight – David Nail
(Kissed You) Goodnight – Gloriana
Missing – EBTG
I gave in to my pho addiction again today. The spiciness makes me happy, and it’s a perfect meal. It made me wonder – why the hell am I not a travel writer? I am restless, sad, and wanting to go on walkabout, so it would make total sense. I’ve thought about it before, but it takes money and marketing to make it start, and I don’t have much of either. Oooo I love airports and wandering around the planet. Since I have no roots, I really should. As a single woman with no kids, I feel like I should have some great adventures, write about them, and help other people dream a little bit more. It might get me closer to being the international art therapist. I love seeing how differently humans can create things.
…is actually the soundtrack for a movie, the perfect movie for a romance writer – Romancing the Stone.
My friend makes art that changes my brain for the better. She did a sculpture that will travel in my soul forever – it changes my feelings about modern sculpture. Art is like that, and it’s one of many reasons that it’s so beneficial for humans. It can change the world, and it can profoundly change the person experiencing it. Some artists use color and form in ways that are a million times different than anything I’ve seen before, and trying to wrap my head around it simply fires different chemicals in my brain. I encourage lifelong learning and art consumption because of this very reason – it keeps your noggin fired up and stimulated.
It’s weird that there’s not a huge demand for international art therapists – it can do phenomenal things for people experiencing intense emotions. It’s really just an expansion of color therapy in a way, and adding some vital elements, like form and interaction.
Right now I’m craving sculpture. I want to play with clay and have a big warehouse space where I can experiment with welding and metal sculpture. I even found a badass welding helmet – that’s fun. Good gear is fantastic, and gear with style points of various kinds – it’s adding art and aesthetics to your presentation, something I strive to do all the time. It just makes my brain feel better, like keeping a release valve always cleared. I have a feeling that might become more important soon.
Thunder Clatter – Wild Cub
And some live symphony and maybe a little blues and opera.