Beacon of blue

They’re family, and I’m so proud of their accomplishments, delighted to see them. Spending time with them is wonderful; Lord knows I don’t have much family left, and I appreciate what I do have… and maybe coming here was a mistake. I’m having fun, enjoying the distractions, and holy crap it reminds me even more that I wish I didn’t have to go back to my life. I get those waves of panic and distress just thinking about it, feel like a lighthouse with a beacon of blue, drawing every haunted wreck into shore.

I know better than to expect a miracle, there’s no knights charging in to save the day, and sometimes it’s just a brutal hard slog through the tidal waves of emotional response to the messiness of life. I keep expecting my heart to shatter into a billion pieces, and that will just be it.


Rest in Pieces – Saliva
No Blue Skies – Lloyd Cole
I Feel You – Schiller
Someday – Nickelback

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Hiding the social anxiety

People keep telling me that they don’t see how I could have social anxiety issues. Sometimes I can’t even respond in words, describing how many years of study and work I’ve put into being able to function in social situations. Years and years. Now it’s more frequent that I can do well in social situations, particularly if they’re short. Afterwards it takes me a lot of alone time to recharge, but I do it and keep practicing because you know what? Nothing in life matters except for our connections to other people. Sure, us introverts do great alone, but networking, interacting, bonding with others, these are the things that make me feel successful in life. Well, that and having the freedom to run around and be creative at will.

Currently my anxiety is cranked up so high, other symptoms are flaring up and I don’t want to be around more than one calm person at a time, and then only if they understand the hidden distress that I’m in. Sometimes I kind of wish I could fall in love with someone who could afford to have me not work – I guess we all have that fantasy of getting taken care of, especially when I’m feeling so raw and painful in my own skin. I would probably eff it up spectacularly anyway. Plus, when you fall in love, it can happen with anyone; the soul doesn’t recognize dollar signs.

*Deep breath* Going to bike hard and hydrate today. Here we go.


All My Friends – The Revivalists
(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay – Otis Redding
Like The Rain – Clint Black
Dollar Girl – OMD

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A little in love

How often do people really take the time to be present and compassionate? I’m profoundly grateful to feel heard. I fell a little in love with the new guy for calling me when I admitted I came home early to cry and crawl into bed. I know, I’m easy, but once you’ve been bullied and shamed for struggling, people who are kind are my heroes.

It’s against my religion, but I’m calling in sick tomorrow too. After almost three years, I just hit the wall at my hospital job. I don’t care if I lose my retirement vesting; when have I ever had money anyway? The stress is wrecking me, and there’s clearly no escape from my old department. I have to find somewhere else to work, and I wish I could just be done working a traditional job and living in the city. How shitty that it comes down to me having to defend myself; the one thing that I’m absolutely worst at. Plus I won’t even get the opportunity until after I return from vacation – how delightful to have that hanging over my already escalated anxiety – dammit. Then again, that place has been the source of so many panic attacks and extreme depression; what’s a few more weeks?

The dude listened patiently, asked questions, reassured – clearly he has a lot of experience talking people down. I deeply appreciate that, even if experience would indicate that such a conversation would blow any romantic possibilities. I’m curious though, since we agreed that we could talk to each other about anything. I’m sure he’s nice enough to talk to me again, he’s that kind of wonderful person, but anything else?

I don’t feel a lot of hope for my prospects at the moment; a combination of things kinda has me swamped. I hope my vacation helps my attitude, and the sense of grief and loss that feels too big to deal with, too heavy to carry. I already know that I don’t want to come back to where I am now. Dear universe, is a miracle too much to ask for?

Cover Me – Bruce Springsteen
Invisible – Alison Moyet
A Little In Love – Cliff Richard (don’t judge)

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Pleasure receptors

Sometimes the curve of metal or glass can seem deeply seductive and sensuous. Maybe it’s just me, but the art in these old cars hits me on all my pleasure receptors. Yowza.

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Favorite things

I got antsy and super excited, so I headed out to the airfield and museum a day early. It was spitting rain, but otherwise perfect weather, so I hoped it wouldn’t be as crowded. I spent some time in the beer garden talking to other airplane geeks, and wandered around taking pictures of anything that suited my fancy. I have giant memory cards for my camera, so I can just run wild, it feels like such luxury to take as many photos as I can push the button for. What a blast, and surrounded by so many of my favorite things. #bliss

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All those years of therapy, and I’m trained to talk my way through stressors and problems. I was challenged by a distinct lack of sleep and stressing hard this week, and trying to verbally work it out, and then, the intense energy was explained when I started my period. I haven’t had one in months, and the week before is always a mess of hormones and strong energy. I’m marking my calendar now, so I can look out for it next month, whether I bleed or not.  The up and down cycle is simply sucky sometimes, and I’m quite glad I could figure out what was causing it. I didn’t have the healthiest responses this time; there was lots of sugar ingested, and irritability, and a decent amount of beer.

I will say it over and over; I’m so grateful to the friends that I’ve known a long time, and how non-judgmental and loving they are. I ended up having some epiphanies, and we talked over ideas until we fleshed out better answers. I also went out for drinks with my friend from high school, and came home with some super cheap but amazing art, FTW. Also celebrating that I actually got my homework done (at the last minute).

Phew, what a week. Yay for meeting new and wonderful people, and letting go of old emotional shit.

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Back in the cock…pit

Do you know what Sunday is? It’s biplane ride day. Don’t have time and can’t afford it and holy crap, I’m doing it, omg beyond excited. A local flight museum has the hookup and I took a ride before; it’s been a long time and I feel in the mood for an old school thrill.

These times, holy crap they move fast, everyone buried in their phones, only experiencing life through a screen. I’m hyper enough to appreciate the changes, to have access to so much information instantly, but damn, I need times to retreat and re-ground.  I’m feeling so flayed and raw, might as well go revel in something positive. Words can’t even describe how much I love old airplanes. Super sexxxxxy, and we’re just going to pretend I have no fear of heights or vertigo as I’m sitting in the open cockpit.

Primitive Love Rites – Mondo Rock
Ritual – Dan Reed Network

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Heat release

Yesterday I sat down with someone who advised ” Don’t ever lose that fire, yes you can and do inspire people.” Well damn, that put a spike in my Dignitas research, but what a beautiful relief. I really needed the reminder that there are good people out there who do good things for good reasons, and it’s not stupid to strive for more of that. For however long any of us have.

I can’t get my brain to turn off long enough to sleep through the night, or to get rest when I do, and I’m exhausted all the time. Too used to ongoing sleep deprivation, and the raw abrasion in the light of dawn. Seeking relief in that first burning hot sip of coffee or tea in the morning and something about the hot hot water and the soothing routine of preparation.  Insomnia released into full wakefulness  and here comes another day.

Don’t Take Away My Heaven – Aaron Neville
Lonely Won’t Leave Me Alone – Trace Adkins (I’d change that one word)
Blue Chair – Morcheeba
Chocolate – Snow Patrol
Just Say Yes – Snow Patrol

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I guess I just bought a Volvo. It wasn’t until I picked it up that I knew what year it was or how many miles were on it, or what might be wrong with it. It runs, and it’s ancient as hell, so whatever miles I get out of it are a bonus for what I paid for it. Mostly it was to help a friend who needed the money, and because I was desperate for some wheels, but not desperate enough to make payments on something or spend a lot of money.

Yes, I still worry about my depression that much, that I can’t plan for a future without the fear of it becoming incapacitating again. Nothing like losing the ability to function, and problems getting compounded into a giant snowball of distress.

A Volvo though, FFS.

Blue – Leann Rimes

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Requiem request

Everything’s fine, but I want to put this in writing, because I see it every day how life can change in a flash:

Burn everything. All my journals, mementos, scrapbooks, clothes – please just burn it all. Use any body parts you can, and turn the rest into ashes that are dumped in the ocean. If there needs to be any paused moment, please smoke some fantastic weed, drink champagne and cocktails until you aren’t afraid to dance, and do something nice for random strangers.

Actually, it would be great if my bike and whatever else could be donated to foster kids or local kids who are struggling.

Love to all.

Every song ever written about water

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