Elevated cortisol levels

Funny how someone says something that you just go “why didn’t I think of that years ago???” Oops, wish I had. All those extreme sports and intense emotions, plus years of the fight or flight response levels at high alert- I suppose I’m used to running on adrenaline. And coffee. I love it more than water. So of course I was just told to stop drinking it – I switched immediately to black tea for a while, but holy canola, it sucks hard. I love coffee intensely. Freshly ground dark roast, finely ground but used in a french press to get that wonderful intense flavor and slight sediment at the bottom. A little sugar, but otherwise black so I could nurse it all day. Damn. Good thing I love tea so much, but ARGH. I need some distractions right *%$%#^% now.


Enjoy the Silence – DM

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Full throttle

The acupuncturist was a different one than my usual, and you just never know. Some of them I don’t want sticking anything in me. I went running there when the pain wouldn’t go away and I told her how I injured my elbow lifting weights, but that I lifted lighter on Sunday after I injured it on Saturday – you know, to take it easy on the injured part. She looked at me in that particular way and said “You went back and did more?”

Hmmm, well when you put it like that it does sound kind of bad. I’m used to pushing the boundaries at least a little, and lord knows I’m good at damaging myself, but I thought it had gotten better. Maybe not.

I still feel driven and since I couldn’t do my weight lifting class, I went and hiked one of the gnarliest hikes I could do on my own. It was a little sketchy but I didn’t die or end up in the ER. And it bent my brain in a really good way. Now other parts of my body hurt as much as the injured part, and I feel in a better headspace, so it all evens out.


My Church – Maren Morris
Flashlight – Parliament

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Shifting into drive

The house was quite tidy for a bachelor pad, decently decorated, no extra crap lying around. But the kitchen was spectacular, not elaborate, just practical and beautiful in that dude kinda way. Then we went into the garage, and I fell in love. He had clearly spent a lot of time working in the space, because there was a workbench 15 feet long, flanked by a table saw and rolling tool chests. It was even perfectly lit. In my rush of excitement, it took me a minute to realize what was sitting there in the middle of one of the empty parking spaces. I turned to fully look at it; 1100 cc’s of lean and sexy motorcycle, all black and silver, deceptively understated but oozing power.

Once my heart started beating again I turned to look at him, and got all embarrassed when I saw that he was watching me intently.  He hadn’t even kissed me, had been a perfect gentleman for weeks as we got to know each other, so I was curious how he would react – then again, he did invite me to his house. I climbed on the bike and tried to act casual as he climbed on behind me, bodies abruptly sliding into perfect placement. It’s so funny how things just click into place sometimes.


Bruises – Chairlift

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A deck of cards

My coworker just had a complete breakdown at work today and flipped out on our director. I don’t think I’ll see her for a while, if at all. It’s really hard to see someone snap like that, with so much anger, contorted with rage. It made me so sad, because she messed up her life, and I know that feeling well. The times that I’ve woken up realizing that I fucking wrecked my life. When the ICU sign is the first thing you see, your day is not going to be easy. I crash in a different way than my coworker, but it’s hard to watch anyone go down that hard, no matter how it manifests.

There’s all this drama around me at work, plus I just requested that the dude be assigned somewhere else (that didn’t go down well) but it’s been almost five years of crap and games from him and I can’t even deal with him at my work now too. There’s all that, but I’m doing fine – but if I were to believe in a deck of cards, I should be intensely worried right now, based on the layout I just got.

They are a deck of cards with pretty pictures, and I started playing with them 13 years ago when I had insomnia on an epic level. The visual images distract me from whatever’s on my mind, they’re a  hobby that’s portable everywhere, and they keep my hands busy. Since I’ve used copies of the same deck, and I’ve done layouts at least once a day all that time – I see patterns emerge. They aren’t always happy ones either; and that’s the first lesson: you have to be prepared for patterns you don’t want to see.

Dear God/Goddess/Deity of Choice/Etc., don’t let the cards be right this time. I don’t want to see anyone go through that kind of pain. For those that do though, as long as I’m here I will help where I can. I wish I could do more.  I’ve had such messy and painful crashes that I have deep sympathy for people going through difficult times. I barely made it through my difficult time; I direct my emotions inward when I crash, but it’s also common how people direct their pain outward. And oh lord what horrible things humans in distress can do to each other.

Everyone be safe and compassionate and patient out there, and remember: Every interaction matters. So many people are having a hard time, the little things can have a huge impact.

Love to all


I Worry About You- Rush
Healing Hands – Elton John
Boys of Summer – The Ataris
Come Crying To Me – Lonestar
One Heartbeat – Smokey Robinson
Talk It Over – Grayson Hugh

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Bipolar retirement planning

Not so much. I cashed out my previous 401K when I left government work and headed for teaching. Depression derailed the  %$#@ out of everything, and how can you plan for a future when you have no plans for being in it?

Now I have future plans again, and I may drop dead of a broken heart at any moment, but in the meantime I’m taking healthy fun steps. And investing in the future. It kind of bends my brain in a good way. It’s amazing that with as self-destructive as my illness has been at times, I’m in pretty good shape, and when I’m in a little bit manic phase, I’m even better. It’s all about riding that edge a little, but not going over. Here’s what’s working:

Minimally processed, whole natural foods, work that is interesting, a living wage, regular exercise and moving as much as possible, coffee, chocolate, and good social support. No western psychiatry, but acupuncture, more exercise, chinese herbs, a safe place to talk out my difficulties with someone who gives good advice, a safe place to live, amazing friends.

I feel so blessed to have recovered so much. Fancy party tonight, work is going well, it’s beautiful out, I even have a little vacation to look forward to. And suddenly there’s super hot men everywhere. Yowza. The panic attacks are down, depression is better, and yay for having hope for the future again.

Hot Summer Nights – Miami Sound Machine



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Baking and construction

I rolled out the bread dough just slightly with my hands, and poured melted butter over it. Then I sprinkled a little sugar and cinnamon across it evenly, and then rolled it up and tucked it into a loaf pan. It’s not too sweet, and perfect toasted.

Baking is so relaxing, but I should find someone to bake for – my ass is getting too curvy. It’s harder to haul up the mountain, and forget about doing an eskimo roll – ain’t gonna happen.

My first burlesque class was recently and I had forgotten the ecstasy of finding a new art form to play in. It’s gotten the creative juices flowing; how heavenly. I have all kinds of ideas, I think I found an ideal medium for me right now. There will be teasing, flirting, costume design, cake, construction (a roofing persona could be hilarious), and so much more. Perfect. It helps to balance out the summer depression. Cinnamon toast helps too.

Love to all

Woman, Woman – Awolnation




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Meat substitutions

One of the dudes got frustrated and sent me the following text after about two weeks of silence: “When are you going to let me hit that??? I promise I make you cumb all over it.”


Modern men are so stupid, seriously. Just because I’m sex positive, doesn’t mean I’ll automatically fuck you. And if you use poor spelling and grammar, your chances are pretty much shot. The only way to get me naked is via my brain, you fucking ape. Since I no longer cycle hard like I did on pharmaceuticals, you can hope I’ll drink enough to make you attractive, but it isn’t likely.

I’m pretty sure he was only trying so hard because he wanted to be the one roofer that finally got to score – they’ve all been trying with no success, and he would have just told everyone. I admit to a wild satisfaction when I shut him the fuck down. Dudes like that remind me why there’s such a huge market for sex toys.

The Other Boys – NERVO
Sex (I’m A…) – Berlin

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The harem garage

I distrust my taste in men, there’s no getting around it. How unfortunate because naughty nooky like the other night? Super fun. Oh man what an awful choice of partner though, I’m so ashamed. I’m sad that I keep choosing the abusive unhealthy one; I keep thinking that perhaps by now I’ve worked through that behavior pattern or that he’s become a better man. Nope. Ugh. We have such a sick relationship pattern, it makes me cringe with horror … After I get over the fun of the night before. He’s convenient. Dammit. He’s totally like that Porsche driver from the movie Bridesmaids, but with a Corvette race car instead. Grrr.

Free Will – Rush
Oops, I Did It Again – Britney Spears
Never Can Say Goodbye – The Communards
It’s All Been Done – Barenaked Ladies
I Drove All Night – Cyndi Lauper
The Other Boys – NERVO
Touch Me – Samantha Fox
Free – Graffiti6
Hollow Moon (Bad Wolf) – AWOLNATION
Woman, Woman – AWOLNATION


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Obscure 80’s ballads

The first song today is cheesy and repetitive and awful, but it has a few good moments for what it is and I totally love it anyway. That melancholy love song sound that’s universal however you musically express it, which is actually not at all how I’m feeling, thank goodness.

I’ve been in a weird phase for musical taste lately; appreciating familiarity but restlessly craving something new. I find myself listening all the time, because I never know where I’ll hear the next song that I’ll fall in love with. It could be through the open windows of the car that pulls up next to me, or the cranked up headphones of a passing pedestrian. It might be on that scratchy radio station that barely comes in, or on the playlist of a friend’s phone.

Music has a huge effect on mood, and then you choose more music for your mood, it becomes cyclical, and how do you want it to go?

SOTD (I’m sorry, xoxo)

Without Your Love – Toto
Fallen Angel – Saga


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Buttoned down

My friend and I went out for drinks tonight (he wears suits, damn I appreciate a sharp dressed man – can we talk about button down shirts? Yum) and we were talking about our latest adventures. I told him I finally signed up for burlesque training and he completely lost his mind over the idea. I was like, wtf did I miss? I feel chubby and centuries old…wait, what? I don’t understand, but maybe I’m doing better than I thought. Or not as bad as I thought. We’re not supposed to need external validation; it’s more of a mile marker to see where you are. Hmmm.

I can’t wait for the injection of fabulous in my life. There will definitely be icing involved in my burlesque act, I’m quite looking forward to it. Maybe it’s the sunshine, but I feel my sassy coming back with a rush.

I’m Your Man – Leonard Cohen

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