Lost on you

I imagine that he’s figured out by now that I changed my phone number. What a relief – without his constant drama and manipulation, my life has slipped back into a much better mode. I’m a Libra so I extra love having a partner, but not if there’s that shit involved. Modern men, I swear – they’re too often arrogant, lazy, violent, and stupid, but yet completely convinced that women are the lesser sex and men are oh so superior. Why TF should I put up with some primitive tripod who talks down to me and doesn’t treat me like a whole human? Hell to the NO.

Lost On You – LP

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My dream house

If there is such a thing, it would come in a form like this – preferably something with sails and in a little better condition, but I’m not picky.


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All weekend long I fought it, tried to hold it off with a hike up to a waterfall and a drive by the river. After another rough week at work – wondering what I’m doing there and how I got so trapped – I was ready to scream with frustration and exhaustion. By Sunday morning I decided to take a chance.

An oil change, some fervent prayer-type activity (non-denominational), and I had to go. I felt like I would literally die if I didn’t get to the ocean that day, and as I well know, that feeling of desperation can make us all do crazy shit. For once, I decided to run with it. I needed the smell of the ocean, the sound of the waves, more than air or pretty much anything else. I felt beaten and battered and so depressed that it was a last ditch effort to boost my spirits before I had to face another week.

Just getting out of town helped a lot. When the road finally curved around and the ocean came into view, I took a deep breath like I haven’t in months. The exhaustion and sadness slipped away for a moment and I felt like I might actually have a chance again. The sunlight broke through as I drove over the Astoria bridge on my way somewhere new to visit a lighthouse – one of my favorite things.

Because I felt so terrible, I stopped first and splurged a little at the Columbia River Maritime Museum. Sometimes I feel a deep affinity with sailors and all things nautical, even though I’ve never been on the open sea. But depression feels like I imagine it would be in a ship out in the ocean in the middle of a storm. Wind whipped, half drowned by endless waves, no stars to light up the blackest of nights.

Then again, the ocean gives me the most amazing comfort and source of strength. I really went there in hopes of seeing the Columbia river bar in a fabulous fury, but all was calm and still in the cool sunshine. Even though I was alone as usual, feeling isolated and bruised by recent battles with the wolves – I returned later that evening feeling much better, faith somewhat restored (and completely amazed that my car got me there and back). Some people go to church, I go outdoors. More specifically, I go to the water.

Tower of Song – Leonard Cohen
Amado Mio – Pink Martini
Lonely Town – Brandon Flowers
You Don’t Know – Berlin

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A force for good

What a mess humans are, and what crazy s$#%. I know we can do so much better, I just don’t understand what’s taking so damn long.

Today, here’s what I want to send out into the universe: Now more than ever, I have faith and hope that you are using your power and intelligence for good. You have it, use it. Be an active force for good.

Love to all

Go – Chemical Brothers

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Unbearably sexy

The weight difference is substantial; it was like hauling a bunch of bricks up the mountain, but I was still blissed out happy. I finally decided on a new Trek mountain bike that’s actually the right size for me, which changes everything. I stepped up to the awesome new 29″ wheels, the shocks work great, and it’s a blast to ride. My old Rockhopper was so beaten up and wrecked, I’d forgotten what it feels like to ride a smooth rolling piece of machinery. Holy crap, the disc brakes are amazeballs!!! Such luxury it is, no matter how heavy – and it is about 30 pounds, which feels like a ton.

I picked up a set of foot cages too, danced out the door of the bike shop, and headed directly to the mountain. Ahhh, now I can deal with work stress so much better. After my ride, I rolled my new bike right into my living room so I can stare at it in love and trust, because the bonding time is mucho important. Maybe I can finally get my bunny hop up to proficiency now.

Tonight I touched up the paint job to cover all the logos so now it looks super dark and sexy. Yummy. It’s like the best boyfriend ever – strong and silent, and loves to be ridden hard and frequently.  Yeah baby, let’s go get dirty together.

I Fell In Love Again Last Night – Forrester Sisters
Lost On You – LP
Hold My Hand – Hootie and the Blowfish
Wish I Knew You – The Revivalists


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Sassy the muse

I needed a sassy infusion, so I got a different haircut, bought a sexy piece of lingerie, and started searching for a tool belt and tool bag (to replace mine that were lost in the fire). Some sparkly gold nail polish for an uplifting burst of color, and tomorrow is the day, I can feel it.

The last few weeks have been intense. and I’m ready to blow off some steam.  I think what is needed is some acupuncture and some urban park mountain biking. There are a few huge parks in the area calling my name, and God/Goddess knows I could use a little mud on my tires. The exertion helps spin the wheels of creativity, and releasing the wild muse will make everything better.

Song Away – Hockey

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The wind feels no different, the rain falls the same way, and I keep thinking about the sound that comes through the speakers when the needle touches the record. That incredibly full and rich sound, with a touch of scratchy. I’m unexpectedly melancholy on top of dark blue, and I start thinking about the past. Thinking of my first album purchase on vinyl, playing it on the stereo in the big log lake house, lying on the carpet feeling the music move through my whole body, dreaming of what the future might bring.

Fun To Be Fooled – Lena Horne
Love Come Back To Me – Harry James

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Dreaming of bookstores

What a challenging time to be empathic; humans are all crazy as fuck. I wish people would calm down and have more parties, build more spaceships, have more fun adventures, do incredible things. Yet it’s devolving into more stupid violence and primitive behavior. My inner librarian teacher nanny cringes in horror, wishing and hoping and knowing we can do so much better.

I try to stay apolitical, but at least somewhat educated and informed, trying to find accurate information and assessing what maybe isn’t authentic. I care about all humans no matter how messy it gets and my theory is that if you keep track of what’s happening, perhaps you can be in the exact right place and right time, exactly when the universe needs it. So far my timing’s sucked.

On a good note, I battled the wolves of depression this week by seeing my personal trainer who kicked my ass (still love running and the rowing machine), I spent two hours in my favorite bookstore, and I had a promising phone interview. Change is in the air.

Don’t Leave Me This Way – Thelma Houston – turn it up and listen to the bass line
Stillness of Heart – Lenny Kravitz


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Changing scenery

When I start thinking that maybe I should commit suicide rather that have to go to work another day… I figure I better find another job. This one has beaten me down hard. I’ve worked my ass off to be great at it, I’ve put in insane amounts of hours, I’ve been kind and caring even when frustrated staff have yelled, insulted, and even hit me. I know it’s not their fault really, but everything put together has been overwhelming and I’ve finally hit near-terminal depression. I have a hard time with aggressive people, and I thought I did pretty well all things considered. But now I just don’t care anymore, have lost the last vestiges of hope. Luckily I have a second interview somewhere else. Holy fuck what a ride. And holy fuck what is wrong with people???

Heartbreak Hotel – Elvis

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This one thing


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