The soundtrack of a broken heart

I’d bet that he’s amazing to the people that are in his inner circle. Oh how I wanted to be one of them- ridiculous as it seems now. Different people, different paths and all that. My path is a little more different, and I always knew what that meant, and how intolerant people can be, but you can never predict exactly how it will play out. Ouch, it still sucks, even after all this time.

On a better note; it’s been ages since I woke up in a panic attack- it’s like a Christmas miracle every damn day.

Mantra today: Be Your Best Human.

Love to all

How ’bout Us- Champaign
Summer Girl- Beck
Boys Of Summer- Don Henley

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True love

I somehow knew there would be this electricity between us, a highly charged awareness. Each word artfully placed but never disguising the raw need underneath. I waited for you, worked hard for you, and never imagined you would be right here. So firm and cool under my fingertips, so sleek and sexy. The best of the old fashioned world, and the advantages of the one coming at us so fast every day. With you I feel like I can finally embrace all the changes, and leave so much of the awful baggage behind, just give it all away. I will never leave you, never give you up, I will love you in sickness and in health, wherever we go, however we live. Mansions or hovels, Boston to Bagdad. My dearest, wonderful Kindle, I am going to load you up with steamy romance novels, stock up on sex toys and red wine, and never go through the dating hell ever again.

He just shared his first book with me and it was an exquisite, melodic jewel of a novel by Jess Walter. It was so damn good, even for the first time. It rocked me to sleep and woke me up again at an ungodly hour. I just needed more, and hallelujiah, I finally found a partner who is as insatiable as I am, and who is happy to let me use him as often as I need to, with no regrets afterwards. He’ll never take advantage, he’s always straightforward and easy to read and he can handle my overabundance of emotion. Amazing. I just realized that of the times I’ve been in love, the millions of times I’ve loved, they were nothing compared to this. Dearest Kindle, I know we’ve only been together one fabulous night of hardly any sleep, but can we elope? I’ve never been to Vegas, but I’m thinking red dress and Elvis impersonator and a hard wired Amazon connection. What do you say? We were made for each other, and omgomgomg I love you soooooooo much. Close the door and get over here.


Boys of Summer- Don Henley

Precious- Depeche Mode

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The black dog of depression has had puppies that grew up into a pack of wolves and I thought I was strong and confident but good lord, I don’t feel that way now.
A drummer just showed up at the house and when I complemented his car- almost like the ones I recently blogged about, he offered me the keys. Lmao. Yet my heart hurts so much that it’s a struggle to make good choices- I want cigarettes, alcohol, and the release that will let me cry out some of the agonizing pain and sadness. Gotta go drive now.

Mantra today “Thoroughness and calm.”

Free Fallin – Tom Petty
Big Green Tractor- Jason Aldean (sometimes the simple, repetitive nature of country music is soothing and sweet)

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Brief sandwiches of happiness

One of the articles I worked on for a long time, is now on my editor’s desk. By the time I turned it in, I could barely stand to look at it- then she had me edit it. So awkward. I had to pretend that someone else wrote it. However. I think she’s going to run it as a cover story. Holy buttercream- I guess it didn’t suck as bad as it seemed. And my editor is amazing, which makes all the difference. Omgomgomg- cover story!!!

We have a lot more training and exercises coming up with the firefighters this year- the volunteer emergency teams are growing a lot. More people are becoming aware, thank goodness. I think everyone should be trained in basic preparedness, and our classes and activities are really fun and informative.

I think what turns people off is that our parent agencies are actually FEMA and Homeland Security, and you have to pass a background check to work with us. I don’t see why anyone has a problem with that, but whatever; be part of the solution, part of those who want to help, or get out of the way.

ooooo, I hope those two hot federal guys show up to more of our big drills- I’d like to make a sandwich of happiness. Yummmm. They looked rather uptight- I wickedly wonder what it would take to get them naked and moaning with delight, and giving a real drill.

Crap, I need to get laid- this is getting critical.

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Walkabout therapy

My new passport arrived, and my TESOL certification is just sitting there, taunting me. All my stuff’s in storage already, and I’m completely portable. The question is, is my mental health strong enough to go overseas by myself with no pills and no weed? Hmmm. I want to teach English in Oman or SE Asia without causing some kind of international incident. I feel like travel might help me feel better- it usually does, even when it’s scary. But as much as I want to go, I’m not ready yet, dammit.

I’m gradually getting better, but it’s a long and painful road. I get the waves of sadness, panic, and despair, when I feel like there’s no way I can survive, and surely right now, this very moment, is when I’m going to drop dead from a broken heart. Oh well- lots of people have it much worse, and I’m grateful for the amazing blessings that I have in my messy life. Not everyone gets to have their dreams come true, and it’s good to want things- it keeps you motivated.

Yeah. Something like that.

If You Only Knew- Shinedown
You Don’t Know- Berlin

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Little black book

I can’t stand it, I am going out of what’s left of my mind. It’s been 16 months and if I don’t have sex soon I may die. I made it well past my year mark, now I feel like getting a little wild. Dear God/Goddess/deity/philosophy of choice, find me a mature man who knows what the hell he’s doing in the bedroom- with no creepy kinks and not too annoying. Please hurry. Seriously, not kidding. Need naked man NOW. Two would be even better. Crap, not sure if I can even stand to have someone touch me unless I know them well. Dammit. Here come the swear words.

Got To Give It Up- Marvin Gaye

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Airspace #2

Nevermind, that’s a terrible idea. It’s not worth risking my hard- won recovery process to go see some airplanes. It would put me completely in harm’s way, and I’ve seen how low the pissy pilots will go. Clearly there are no limits to their behavior, and since they see me as so “crazy” and inferior to them, who knows what awful shit they would come up with this time. The most agonizing part of the whole thing is that it just killed my belief and hope in heroes. At the time I met them, I had already experienced the worst of men, and I was desperate to see something good. Not their fault, but wow I picked the wrong crowd.

It’s crappy to realize that I still feel so fragile sometimes that I can’t handle some arrogant pricks telling me to kill myself again- I’m sure they would too, given the opportunity. Plus I had the audacity to publicly call them out on their behavior, and no matter what my intentions were, they aren’t going to see it positively or clearly. Just like they never really saw me, and aren’t capable of doing so. It’s better if I avoid the whole situation. I’ve already had enough agony and tears in that place, and they were such evil dicks, it just ruined the whole area forever. Creepy too-  when the P-3 dude knew what I was doing without me saying anything- that totally creeped me out. Who was watching? Fucking vicious voyeurs. A lot of people won’t help you when you are struggling, but they will sure as hell stand around and cheer you on when your world is going down in flames. And they will cover for each other’s awful behavior too.

Ack, I feel horrible. I have to stop reading the news and thinking about my future- it just sends me into a stomach-roiling tailspin. Douchebag dudes seem to be the ones who prosper the most, and evil always seems to win. It doesn’t feel like there’s a place for me anywhere. Warm and fuzzy idealism seems really fucking stupid sometimes, and I feel like shattered wreckage with no hope of full recovery.


Take Me Out- Franz Ferdinand
Whispering Your Name- Alison Moyet

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Wanted: a philosophy that honors the full spectrum of human life


I’m not usually a fan of old white dudes giving me “advice”, especially, old, white, religious extremists, but this one says some good things. Thank God, because a lot of people look to him and do what he says.

Originally posted on Under Reconstruction:

We are now faced with a philosophy and a practice which exclude the two ends of life that are most full of promise for peoples. They exclude the elderly, obviously. You could easily think there is a kind of hidden euthanasia, that is, we don’t take care of the elderly; but there is also a cultural euthanasia, because we don’t allow them to speak, we don’t allow them to act. And there is the exclusion of the young. The percentage of our young people without work, without employment, is very high and we have a generation with no experience of the dignity gained through work. This civilization, in other words, has led us to exclude the two peaks that make up our future. As for the young, they must emerge, they must assert themselves, the young must go out to fight for values, to fight for these values; and the…

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Lake II


Looks a lot like homesick

Originally posted on Photo avant-garde:

Lake II

From photographer Nils Holgersson.

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Read you like a book

I ran into an ex boyfriend at the gym tonight- I don’t have that many, and it’s lovely to run into the nice ones. Ex-one-night-stands, well, that’s a whole other story. I’m not into triple digits (even if you count the women as well) but certainly well into double.

I read somewhere about how there are a few times in life when a person’s soul is exposed, when they are most likely to be authentically themselves. One of those times is during sex. I think it’s true too. What turns you on, how you respond to stimuli- if you psychoanalyze it, you can learn a ton about someone through their sexuality and how they express it. I knew early on that my intuition markers were off, and I prefer to know right away if someone is going to be lame or creepy, or whatever. So I would seduce and see how fast I could get a dude into bed, but it was too easy. Then I realized that most men are like a poorly written book- you only want to read it once, and never again. A few weren’t even as good as a book, and rather more like a magazine, because just like me, they had issues. Sorry, couldn’t resist. roflmao


Oh L’amour- Erasure

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50 Shades of healthier

This is a way better image of rough love. I’d much rather get spanked by some technical, dirty single track. Although, I will freely admit an adoration for lingerie- it’s like putting on a sexy superhero costume. Hey- I wonder if my mountain biking skills would improve if I wore lingerie? Hmmm. Maybe a corset and a full suspension bike-  there’d be less bouncing on the landings, and I’m pretty sure you get style points. A well made corset is like body armor, so I bet it’s good for crashing too.


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Love letter to WordPress

It’s been two years, and holy stars, a lot has changed. You knew this was coming- that I was gonna get all sappy, so here it is:

I’m so glad I found you- you saved my life in a zillion ways. I was in agony and terror before we hooked up, and not sure of how to safely eject all those overwhelming emotions. Then I found you, and nothing has been the same since. You helped me unlock parts of my soul that have been in captivity for centuries. You gave me the safety to be brave, the non-judgemental space where I could explore and analyze, and finally let go in a beautiful explosion of release. I love you more than anything, and no matter what happens, no matter where I go or what I do, I am yours forever. Thank you WordPress, I love you soooooo much.


My Type- Saint Motel
Love Comes Quickly- Pet Shop Boys
If I Can’t Have You- Yvonne Ellison
Whisper to a Scream- Icicle Works
White Flag- Dido

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