Brilliant people

I love reading books that change your life. The one I’m working on now is just what I needed, and it’s clicking in my brain in ways that are uncomfortable but validating. I’m not that smart, not that interesting, and certainly not a leader, but this book speaks to my experience and makes me feel better in a zillion ways. It is A First Rate Madness. I love it when brilliant people write brilliant books.


In Neon – Elton John

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Time passes by moonlight

I can feel the pull – it’s strong with the blue moon. My period is usually always with the full moon, and I get this rush of wild energy. I want to go midnight mountain biking, write scandalous stories, hit the dance floor, do something, anything. I’m much more likely to change my life completely at these times, whether it’s coming back with stitches or a great story of an epic adventure that was completely unplanned. I’m limited somewhat because I effed up my back when I was using a chainsaw the other day, but I’m sure I can come up with something good.

Sometimes the universe seems to send signs, but how do you know if you are seeing them correctly? I keep seeing some funny number sequences, that remind me of events from years ago, and for whatever reason, I keep seeing tons of this one vehicle, and it’s stupid and crazy but I sometimes wish to come home and see a white jeep parked at my house, full of outdoor gear. Even after all this time. Clearly it’s a prime example of my bipolar disorder, and it speaks to the hazards of reading too many fairy tales and romance novels where everything works out for the best for everyone. Life is never like that, and he was super mean anyway. All those dudes were, and they could never understand someone like me, only think I should be mocked and killed off. *sigh* I love love, and I hope for the best in people, but it’s not terribly reality-based.

And here I go, back to actual reality. That is, until night falls. Tonight, all bets are OFF. Game on. Maybe a dance floor, maybe some single track, maybe just some wildly uninhibited writing.

Love to all, may the power of the blue moon shower you with blessings

Back to Life – Soul II Soul
3am Eternal – KLF
Electric Love – Born
Just Another Day (Spanish Edit) – Jon Secada

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The dude made the mistake of confessing to me that he’d stolen a bunch of books from the Oregon State library when he worked there as a student. Hello, what? I’m a former assistant librarian, perpetual bibliophile, and here’s some basic rules:

1. Don’t steal.
2. Absolutely don’t steal books.
3. The library is sacred, so stealing books from there should put you in the deepest circles of a Dante-esque hell.

Not only did he steal books, he stole a bunch of rare, valuable, beautiful art books that he doesn’t even read. Even though it’s been many years, yeah, after I caught him with that woman and I felt like I needed a little payback…reporting him for book theft was the only thing I felt ok doing. I dropped an anonymous tip and hoped the universe heard me. Perhaps it did, but after that I let the whole thing go and concentrated on the other guys who are flirting and pursuing – never a dull moment. He was a sociopath and an idiot anyway, and I wasted too much time just because he was a convenient… yeah.

Anyway, he made a point of coming into my work the other day, when he clearly knew I would be there, and he walked by my desk but couldn’t say anything because he’s a spineless pussy, and I was on the phone. I couldn’t help it, I just started laughing as he walked by. He’s such a horrible human, but he thinks he’s so great because he has money and some assets. I pointed him out to my beautiful coworker (we’ve shared some stories over beers and jello shots), she started laughing too, and she held up a sledgehammer with this hilarious, perky expression, and we both just lost it laughing. I hope he won’t be back. As usual, I’m sure he was just trolling to upset me and to try and get a response. Luckily, I have better things to do this time. What he did was so over the top awful, that he doesn’t ever get to talk to me again.

Lmfao, and if he did get in trouble over those books, I know he didn’t see it coming. I’m fiercely loyal and trusting, but when you fuck with a crazy woman, it’s guaranteed that she’ll get creative in her payback. And don’t steal books from the library, asshole!!!


Out Of Control – She Wants Revenge
Tired Of Being Sorry – Ringside
Shame On The Moon – Bob Seger etc

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I loved you too

I love to flirt, I really do. Part of it is basic survival skills learned in bad situations, crappy but true. But the part that I really like is that it’s a social skill that focuses on recognizing and encouraging the best in the people you meet. It’s about actually seeing people, and speaking to their hearts, cheesy as that sounds. I flirt platonically a lot at work, because people who feel appreciated are much happier, and the days tend to go better with that kind of energy.

The only problem with flirting and seeing people so deeply is that a romantic like me – I fall in love with people all the time. Humans are freakin’ fascinating creations. I feel like flirting can help people be a little more open, and I’ve had people just pour their hearts out to me, maybe because I’m safe for them to do that. I appreciate it so much.

Buy Me A Boat – Chris Janson
Spider – Sweet Thing
Great Southern Land – Icehouse
Shadow Of the Day – Linkin Park
See You Again – Carrie Underwood

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Not your inner child

At work the other day, some parents came in with three hyper, distressed children. I looked at stressed-out mom for permission, and at her consent, I held out my arms to one struggling little kid, and I was instantly buried in toddlers who launched themselves at me in perfect trust. It was upsetting that they were so eager to escape their parents for a stranger, but I love that little kids can see right down to your soul. They knew I would always catch them, even though we just met.

I worry about parents like those – arrogant Arabic dad saying “sit down!” over and over and over (to his toddler girls twins, plus a 4-ish year old girl). They couldn’t hear him, were uncomfortable with three of them cramped in the wire basket cart, and when they didn’t do what he demanded, he had a melt down. He also was super derogatory to his wife in front of them – him in shorts on the hot day, her covered head to toe in thick fabric. Yeah, I don’t see their lives being great under his roof. I’d guess he’s more abusive out of the public eye. No matter what your culture is though, early childhood education and development are vital for your children’s future – what are you teaching them? If behavior and personality are set by about age six, what patterns are you introducing into their life?

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Full blue moon

It feels like I’m getting rewarded, even though it’s not comfortable or easy. Thank you universe for these three wonderful changes:

1. Douchebag dude is truly out of my life – words can’t describe how happy this makes me. To realize finally, how dishonest he really was, and all the pieces clicking together – super validating. And I don’t have to deal with all that belittling and negativity. It’s brutal how emotionally abusive he was, but I kept putting up with it. I need more psychoanalysis and change before any more dudes.
2. Wonderful new people coming into my life, and much more my people. Positive, inspiring, motivated.
3. New opportunities presenting themselves. I just read that there is a full blue moon on July 31st, and we are being pushed to do new things, take chances, make that leap of faith. I think it’s time. I’m never quite ready, but as usual, it happens anyway.

I wish I could do a magic spell, wave a wand, to make more good things happen. There’s so many people who need it. Here’s hoping and praying for wonder and happiness to spread out there.

Love to all

Dreams – Beck
Crash and Burn – Thomas Rhett
Emotion in Motion – Ric Ocasek

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Good food =good mood = good health

Let’s talk about fried chicken. I have a deep, emotional connection to fried chicken, as I’m sure a lot of people do. Except for the eating an animal part, damn it’s delicious. But as much as I love it, healthy diet has a hugely cumulative effect and fried foods aren’t great for you. The importance of a super healthy diet can’t be overstated. It has a huge effect on child development, and for every stage of life.

I worry about the people that only eat crappy food, like the whipped plastic of fast food. It’s scientifically engineered to be delicious, but don’t believe it’s really food that will nourish your body. Be careful what you are adding to your personal chemistry. That old adage of “you are what you eat” is pretty accurate.

And according to that, I am now primarily composed of coffee and blueberries – I should be looking like a smurf pretty soon.

Love and good health to all

Ain’t No Cure For Love – Leonard Cohen
Can’t Feel My Face – Weeknd

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The fictionalized narrative

Yup, that was the best idea ever. Now I can carry my working manuscript draft with me wherever I go, with no fear of failing electronics or inconvenience. Call me old school, but sometimes pen and paper are the best way. Besides, I don’t want anyone reading any of it until I’m damn good and ready. It might be a while.

It’s funny that whether painting or writing, sewing, or random crafting – the ability to create something new out of the chaotic recesses of my head completely saves me and makes me feel better in ways I can’t even put into words. I’d guess that a shrink would have all kinds of things to say about that – the child that was a helpless victim for so long, unable to speak and not believed when she did. I guess it makes sense, but I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to find my voice. Still working on it, even after all this time.

And this time, now that I’m finally physically working on the writing project I’ve been thinking about for years – I’m going to write the reality I would prefer to see. Bad guys get justice, good people win, and there’s lots of romance and spaceships. You know we need more of all that. And because I’m a survivor with a bit of a smart-ass attitude, certain people will appear in the book, under different names of course. Bwahahahaha.


Twist in My Sobriety – Tanita Tikaram
Kiss You Tonight – David Nail

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Dear Joe

I had a peeping tom the entire time I was growing up, and I’ll probably be jumpy and paranoid forever because of it. So when I find out that someone has secretly looked for my blog and been all sly about reading it, I’m not enthused or flattered. When it’s a guy that I went out with twice and have zero chemistry with, it’s even less fun. And then he straight up asks me to have sex with him because now he thinks he knows me, and he’s been reading all about my love for sex…fuck you dude, NO WAY. Even if we did have an attraction, that’s just obnoxious to get a text from out of the blue asking for sex. This is me swearing at you like the raunchiest kind of sailor. $#@%^&#$%^&%&$#@$%^*&. Asshole.

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oooo, the shocking silkiness of cool water on overheated skin – heavenly. I spent the afternoon at the river yesterday, and I was so engrossed in working on my book, that it was time to go before I was ready. I have a feeling that this week will be like that too.

It’s funny how time changes speed sometimes. When it’s blazing hot and I’m floating in the river thinking about plot development and protagonist conflict, that’s when it needs to slow the hell down.

Love to all

Thunder Clatter – Wild Cub
Electric Feel – MGMT

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