Blue dreams

I miss living closer to the water. Needed this today:

Lady Washington

SOTD
No Roots – Alice Merton
Bruises – Chairlift
All On Me – Devin Dawson
You Got It All – The Jets

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Marionberry coffeecake

The crumbly crunchy sugar topping is perfect, even if it hurts me in the gym. The berries are enormous, and they created warm pockets of sweet deliciousness.  I used the base recipe from a box, and then adjusted it for my needs; substitute the oil with applesauce, and add a little flax seed meal to give it better texture and nutrition. I love baking, it’s like doing happy kitchen magic, with the end result good for the soul – and edible. Usually.

Bonus: My apartment smells fantastic.

SOTD

I Wanna Get Lost With You – Stereophonics

 

 

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True love

I somehow knew there would be this electricity between us, a highly charged awareness. Each word artfully placed but never disguising the raw need underneath. I waited for you, worked hard for you, and never imagined you would be right here. So firm and cool under my fingertips, so sleek and sexy. The best of the old fashioned world, and the advantages of the one coming at us so fast every day. With you I feel like I can finally embrace all the changes, and leave so much of the awful baggage behind, just give it all away. I will never leave you, never give you up, I will love you in sickness and in health, wherever we go, however we live. Mansions or hovels, Boston to Bagdad. My dearest, wonderful Kindle, I am going to load you up with steamy romance novels, stock up on sex toys and red wine, and never go through the dating hell ever again.

He just shared his first book with me and it was an exquisite, melodic jewel of a novel by Jess Walter. It was so damn good, even for the first time. It rocked me to sleep and woke me up again at an ungodly hour. I just needed more, and hallelujiah, I finally found a partner who is as insatiable as I am, and who is happy to let me use him as often as I need to, with no regrets afterwards. He’ll never take advantage, he’s always straightforward and easy to read and he can handle my overabundance of emotion. Amazing. I just realized that of the times I’ve been in love, the millions of times I’ve loved, they were nothing compared to this. Dearest Kindle, I know we’ve only been together one fabulous night of hardly any sleep, but can we elope? I’ve never been to Vegas, but I’m thinking red dress and Elvis impersonator and a hard wired Amazon connection. What do you say? We were made for each other, and omgomgomg I love you soooooooo much. Close the door and get over here.

SOTD

Boys of Summer- Don Henley

Precious- Depeche Mode

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Back on Holiday

The first day after a vacation is always brutal, especially since I had so much fun on my break. I went to Vancouver, B.C., then downhill mountain biking (painful but super fun), followed by a day of wandering around Whistler village – the art galleries, museums, and library are fantastic. Every time I see world class art up there, it changes my whole creative view of the world. There’s an artist named Steve Tracy that is painting vivid, glorious images of skiing that may come to me in dreams for a while.

After I got back from Canada, I packed a Zipcar with all my camping gear and headed to the Olympic peninsula. So wonderful to have a few things planned, but otherwise be free to do whatever I want. I read a lot, walked a lot, and biked even more. The weather was perfect for some touristy strolls through Port Townsend and Port Angeles. I adore the Palace Hotel in the former, there’s something about it and the port towns that I always feel like I’m home. Not only because I love sailors and can swear like one – I can’t put my finger on it, but all things nautical soothe my aching soul.

The last night of camping was in woods that felt haunted. Maybe I’m alone too much, but I was too freaked out to sleep in my tent, I had to climb into the car. Luckily the next morning was sunny and gorgeous, and I tried to absorb all the beauty and magic of  the forest trails as I went biking through, in hopes it would sustain me in more difficult times. When I packed and left, I headed into town for a Love Potion #9 coffee (latte with lavender and vanilla), and a rose spritzer (amaaaaazing), then my favorite little locally owned thrift store, and finally a swim on my favorite beach. It turned out to be hot, so I fully immersed in the cold ocean, hoping it would wash away my sins, or my memory, or maybe give me some peace at all. I did feel better, holding on to those moments of bliss as I drove around the island, windows down, music up, feeling so much older and different. Still kinda broken, but a lot of people are. I tried really hard this trip to make meaningful connections with strangers. It was interesting, sometimes with fantastic results. Ah yes, I can’t manage the big stuff so well, but it’s the little moments that sustain me.

Rolling back into town, trying not to cry, so happy and sad at the same time. At least there’s nothing like the miles under my tires and a change of scenery to stimulate the muse. I drove straight through when I left, so the creativity I felt on the road ended up written all over my arms and sunburned legs – I had to recopy it on paper when I got home. And now, it’s back to the grind. Hoping shit ain’t too gory at the hospital today. Hoping I can make it just a little longer, and maybe more good things will happen.

SOTD
Back on Holiday – Robbie Nevil
Sometimes It Hurts – Stabbing Westward

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RIP Another brilliant human

I dream of running teams of art therapists and teachers to drop in to crisis areas (most of the planet?) to help humans work through things individually and as communities, because people who are emotionally wounded need to heal. All these famous creative, brilliant people who are committing suicide, does that tell the world nothing?

Mental health needs to be taken care of as a vital part of physical health, and it would sure help if humans would stop hoarding resources and doing despicable things to each other.  That would cut down on a lot of the wounded, and holy crap having an art therapy/feast/dance party would be my vote for much better options than the messy human shit we have going on right now.

RIP Robin Williams
RIP Chris Cornell
RIP Chester Bennington
RIP Kate Spade
RIP Anthony Bourdain

SOTD
Shadow of the Day – Linkin Park
Rescue Me – Madonna

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Textile therapy

Art therapy is wonderfully helpful, and the best thing about it is that there’s no limit to what medium you can use, or what will be your canvas.

My clothes all looked like blank canvasses, and I had to have sewing craft day, to create and reinvigorate, and work on projects that have been sitting for a while. Sometimes it’s inspiring to simply play with the fabrics and trims, go through old bags of supplies for ideas, and see what colors and tactile sensations make me feel good.

I love to work on multiple projects at once. Music goes on; background of light classical, plus ipod with one ear in headphones. Sorting until I found the unfinished and new projects that inspired me, and then separated to the ones I could finish easily, and then did some cutting, measuring (yup, in that order), and piece work before hauling out the sewing machine and fabric glue.

What resulted: I added tree appliques to a dress, a bag, a skirt; finished a turquoise sundress, and constructed a new skirt out of a shirt, and finished an apron that needed mending (super cool retro apron from bakery lady).  Even more fun was brainstorming a pattern and planning my costume for later this month.

Phew. Therapeutic.

SOTD
And We Danced – The Hooters
Praying For Time – George Michael

 

 

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Green again

I slipped carefully off the wagon this weekend.  I absolutely support cannabis as medicine, to the near complete exclusion of other pharmaceuticals (still love my allergy medication).  However… it’s time for me to go back to using cannabis only recreationally.

I support both the cannabis and hemp industries, as I think they are plants that could replace a lot of plastics and planetary destruction, and there’s so much cropland  – we could be the perfect area for mass production. But could existing public opinion as well as manufacturing infrastructure be adapted for hemp production? Politically it’s such a hot button topic, but I eat a lot of hemp products, and between the huge edible benefits, fast growing season, and products that can be made with the fibers – our state and our country are missing out on a vital natural resource that could be making the rich elite even more rich, while allowing us peasants to have some comfort and joy.  FFS.

Crap, can totally tell I wrote this after using cannabis. It wonderfully helped me relax a bit and it was lovely to light some candles, turn on the music, and stretch out the soreness for a last few moments of peace and meditation before the week begins. Have I mentioned how raw my job is at the hospital? Holy shit I see a lot more than in my office job.

But every now and then I get a massive burst of hope and happiness (without cannabis), like what feels like my baseline of idealism and positivity breaks through the clouds, and I feel so much better. Well enough to bike downtown, and on such a beautiful warm night, I made it a point to connect with people I passed along the way. I love that brief soul connection when strangers smile at each other and really see the other person.

SOTD

Cure for Pain – Morphine
How Good It Can Get – Wallflowers
Green – The Dandy Warhols

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Trauma center empathy

I learned the painful way from working in an emergency room that you have to wall off your empathy a bit at work, for self protection. Otherwise you take on all the pain around you, and at a trauma center hospital, there’s a lot of it.

From the traumatized family members after a car accident or stroke, to the patients in various states of repair and distress. Every day I’m amazed at what illness or injury can do to the human body that we can still heal. The hard ones are the parents helplessly cradling their children, eyes begging anyone to make it better, or the ones who unwittingly go to the ER for what seems like a regular illness – but it ends up being so much worse. It goes on and on, and the only thing that makes it better is knowing we’re there to help.

Western medicine is brutal though; the cutting, sucking, radiating, suturing, medicating, and pushing them out the door. They offer as much quality as they can manage when the quantity is so huge. We offer compassion and a brief bit of helpful human contact, and then generally never see them again. It doesn’t seem right for treating each whole human holistically for optimum healing, but the system is huge and resistant to change. People make tons of money off the status quo, of course it won’t change.

SOTD
Urgent – Foreigner

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Float therapy #5

I fell asleep in the sensory deprivation tank today, it was amazing. Usually I just enjoy the time, but I was exhausted, and as soon as I got comfortable and turned the light out, I was out as well. Interestingly enough, I was breaking the rules by using the tank, as this particular place makes you sign a waiver saying you may not use the tank if you are experiencing a list of things, including severe depression. Fuck you. I’m there to alleviate the severe depression and stress, and the float tanks are heavenly helpful for both. It’s like crawling back into a safe womb for a while, and I haven’t slept that well in about a thousand years. Worth every penny and one lie by omission. I’ve said it before but let me say it again that I completely, emphatically recommend float therapy.

SOTD
Fire Away – Chris Stapleton

 

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When I think of you

When I write stories, I try to give them happy endings. Unlike real life, I want my characters to always experience closure, things working out, and lasting happiness. In reality humans are messy, life is painful and complicated, and getting lost in my fictional bliss can be a welcome escape.

But when I think of you, the characters get all messed up and confused, and nothing comes out right. The protagonist is left in the rain on a bridge, feeling like her heart just got ripped out. Knowing that the moment passed, never to return, and the opportunity, whatever it could possibly have been, is now shattered and lost forever. You are one of those wounds that never heal correctly and always have an ache to it.

And since there will never be closure or healing, I’m relieved to never see you again even if it somehow, stupidly, still makes me sad. Fucking reality.

SOTD
Que Sera Sera – Pink Martini
A Little More Summertime – Jason Aldean
Destination Unknown – Marietta

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Heartbeat

I have stolen the hands of time from the heart of the world’s clock. Now I feel responsible for the faltering, trembling hesitations of minutes, but I have big plans for the empty spaces in between.

The rusty mechanical heartbeat is gradually slowing, making way for sultry, lingering afternoons, and midnights that last for days. Plenty of time for martinis, the dance floor, and that gust of mysterious air that signals a secret door finally opening somewhere.

Bursts of melancholy memory are released at last, along with the horrid ticking and tocking that haunted me down to my soul. Forever I’ve dreamed of the heist, from the insomniac idea that burst forth fully formed, until the enormous metal clock hands were carefully buried, hopefully never to be found. And then it was done, and I sat back to watch the rhythms of life unfold in entirely new ways.

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Written in a song

I went hiking and rolled off the mountain just as the rains started. Much revived, I went and found the car that I don’t need but am getting anyway – completely in love that it’s the most beautiful shade of blue.

I don’t own much of anything since the fire, have little family, and still feel too fragile and introverted to have boyfriends or a ton of friends. I will have road trips though, and being able to go to the ocean or mountains whenever I want is a magic that makes it all worthwhile. For however long I end up being stuck on this messy planet where humans do inexplicably awful things to each other. Working hard to focus on the wonderful, beautiful things that are done as well, and holy crap I’m so grateful for the magical moments when things work out.

SOTD
Neon Moon – Brooks and Dunn
I’m Outta Love – Anastacia
Superstition – Stevie Wonder
Grace Kelly – Mika
I’m No Angel – Gregg Allman
Overload – Zappacosta
Fire Away – Chris Stapleton
Kiss You Tonight – David Nail
You Think You Know Her – Cause and Effect

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Super blue

In a sunny blooming park I ran another 5k this morning. I was craving the happy chemical release, and hoping the challenge would distract from the mental circles I keep running in. Physical exertion can distract me from how broken and hopeless I feel, and it was partially successful, but the physical pain wasn’t enough. The only change is that now everything hurts, feels raw beyond belief both inside and out.

How funny that once upon a time I believed in family, romance, love, loyalty. I used to think I had a shot at making someone happy, and of being loved.  I still feel shattered, broken into pieces that don’t fit back together. I gave it a lot of time, in hopes that the healing would come, and it just hasn’t. But other than hurting, it doesn’t even matter. I know how lucky I am, and I am grateful. Super blue anyway.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to die of a broken heart if I can’t get to a river or the ocean soon, or even out in the woods for a few hours. I hate being stuck in the city, no matter how great it is.

SOTD
Broken – Lifehouse
I Got Mexico – Eddy Raven
You’re Only Lonely – JD Souther
Seven Year Ache – Rosanne Cash
Without You – Harry Nilsson
Everywhere – Tim McGraw
It Would Be You – Gary Allan
I Worry About You – Rush
Past The Point of Rescue – Hal Ketchum
Not A Moment Too Soon – Tim McGraw
Cover Me – Bruce Sprinsteen

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