Love in times of war

The airport is magical and heartbreaking at the same time. I love it for the endless possibilities it teasingly suggests. The stories that have passed through, all that emotional energy; the hugs and kisses of welcome, and the tears of goodbye. People-watching in the airport is completely inspiring.

I bring my notebook and pretend that I’m an international writer headed off to celebrate human culture somewhere beautiful. I want to eat in celebration and do art projects with different communities. Most of all I dream about being able to safely travel as a single woman throughout Mesopotamia, and I want to see Egypt without worrying that I’ll be shot, raped, killed, imprisoned, tortured. I would love to see it change in my lifetime so that the next generation doesn’t have to live in that kind of world.

Tomorrow I get on a plane, and as always, I hope for something magical while I’m passing through the airport; those exchanged glances shared with strangers you’ll never see again. It’s poetic and perfect.

My coworker was teasing me about how trusting and hopeful I am and it’s true. I want to see the best in people, despite the horrible shit we all can do to each other. It’s my everlasting inner librarian/teacher hoping against all odds that we can inspire and motivate each other to do better, be better. That’s what I want to see trending.

 

SOTD

Summer Rain – Belinda Carlisle
Lovers in a Dangerous Time – Bruce Cockburn
Heartbeat City – The Cars
In My Dreams – Berlin
The Presence of Love- The Alarm

 

 

 

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Alterations

Altering boring clothing is one of my favorite things. I like to take a completely plain article like a basic dress and go at it with scissors, seam ripper, or maybe add a ruffle, some ribbon or trim that will make it pop. It’s much faster than buying fabric and making the garment from scratch – fabric has gotten expensive too. I’m limited for time and I love having a blank art canvas ready to go. Each one is a challenge.

Plain dresses are perfect for alteration projects, but it’s easy to get tons of clothes for cheap, and use the fabric and/or forms for whatever ideas you want to explore. It’s inexpensive, entertaining, and great for my head and heart.

Art supplies and art time help mental health beyond measure. I suspect that it’s partly because expressing yourself and telling your story is a necessary part of the human condition; the only difference is what medium you choose. I’m currently telling my story in wearable form, image, color. Bonus if I can make something fabulous that has no duplicate in the known universe.

Love to all

SOTD

Could Have Been Me – The Struts
Love An Adventure – Pseudo Echo

 

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Lonely like forever

Depression woke me at 6:30; heartbroken and sore down to my soul. Lonely like forever, despairing for humanity in general and myself in particular.

Given the current state of things, I decided I needed to do housework in heels and a pinup dress. Writing, photography, art, sewing, baking, cleaning, gardening – these make life so much better when the blues return. Logically I know how incredibly lucky and blessed I’ve been, so I will try to focus on that, even when my brain is swamped with the sad chemicals.

Oh how I wish I could do kitchen magic to make some worldwide calm and compassion, but simple cinnamon rolls will have to do, and a long technical bike ride. Alone as usual and in a dress, because I still want to be both feminine and ninja bad ass.

SOTD

21 Summer – The Brothers Osborne

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Piano in the park

I can hear them howling at the moonlight, in that melancholy sound that tears at my soul. The wolves of depression – at least they’re predictable. So I blew off everything important to address my mental health with drinking some wine, cooking something delicious, and biking in the warm summer night.

I went to a park tonight and saw another piano installation – I love those. I sat down across from it, like a whole bunch of others, and hoped someone would come play it. Two people strolled up all casual, and one started playing the theme from The Pink Panther- it made me giggle and feel much better, able to forget what I see on the news for just a moment.

Love to all

SOTD

Piano In The Dark – Brenda Russell
Calling America – ELO
California Baby – KaleaBlues From a Gun – The Jesus and Mary Chain

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Swimming holes

The access to this one sucked hard; think cliff with loose dirt and not much to hold on to. But this perfect swimming hole made it worth while. It’s down stream from some hot springs, so the glacial water wasn’t as frigid as it might be otherwise. The water was immaculately clean, with warm basalt columns to take the chill out after diving in. No sharks, no bears, no creepy critters that far up in the mountains. It was one of those perfect summer afternoons that I wish I could rewind and play over and over.

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES

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Capsized

Perhaps it was the vacation time, and actually getting to step out of my “work self to death trying to catch up” mode. Maybe it’s the time of year, the awful things happening around the world, and the extreme stress from work.  Whatever it was, the combination hit me hard today and holy crap I feel awful – wrecked with sadness. But who cares? The world is full of brokenhearted people, doing what they can to make it through. I’m trying to hold on to the gratitude I have for the many blessings in my life, but I’m so sad that I forget sometimes. Pictures remind me.

Love to all

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Marionberry coffeecake

The crumbly crunchy sugar topping is perfect, even if it hurts me in the gym. The berries are enormous, and they created warm pockets of sweet deliciousness.  I used the base recipe from a box, and then adjusted it for my needs; substitute the oil with applesauce, and add a little flax seed meal to give it better texture and nutrition. I love baking, it’s like doing happy kitchen magic, with the end result good for the soul – and edible. Usually.

Bonus: My apartment smells fantastic.

SOTD

I Wanna Get Lost With You – Stereophonics

 

 

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I see you everywhere

The wilderness and camping on the island was wonderful – finally getting away from the sound of traffic and seeing something new and beautiful yet so familiar down to the bone. Even after all this time, it still feels a little raw to pass through that area and I was so glad I was with a fun friend to distract me. I knew she was good in the woods – all my female friends tend to have bad ass skills – but holy crap I loved her camp cooking. Then we went on her first real mountain bike ride, where sections were super steep, rocky, with huge roots and a few drop offs, and then this perfect long downhill winding section. Which we hiked back up and sailed back down.

I ditched my burlesque class for the weekend vacation, but I kept thinking about it. I need my muddy time in the woods, but I need my civilized time too. And I sure as hell need my sparkly time. Unfortunately I feel too awful to do anything else fun, and I’m working too much to have much social life. I need a lavender lemon drop martini, some serious personal grooming, and holy fuck I feel awful- coming back from vacation, summer solstice is over (days getting shorter and headed back into cold dark winter) and back into high stress job – I hope that’s not a crash I see coming.

And really I ditched the burlesque class forever. It’s a matter of conserving my energy for what I can manage, and trying to ride out the waves of blue. My non-sparkly job takes my time, hurts my soul sometimes, and hooking up with the asshole dude didn’t help (wtf is wrong with me), even though his equipment helped release some happy chemicals, and the physical contact helped me ground.

Note to self: Get new front shocks and replace front brake pads

SOTD

21 Summer – Brothers Osborne
Everywhere – Tim McGraw

 

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The song of the ocean

How wonderful to get to feel the road underneath my wheels again, to be going somewhere new and beautiful. It stimulates the brain, and oh lord I need this. I can feel myself teetering on the edge of depression and I instigated emergency measures to counteract it, but there it is. It’s like a bad dream that lingers after you’ve woken up and tried to move on with your day.

Some swimming in the ocean will help, and hiking up something tall. I’m bringing my mountain bike and my running shoes and except for eating yummy food and hanging by the campfire, I don’t intend to stop moving the entire time. And holy crap I miss the ocean – I need to see it, feel it, submerge in it for a while. I think it will help a lot. Maybe I was a mermaid in my last life or something, because I don’t feel complete without regular doses of rivers or ocean. I just decided that I won’t ever buy a house, I would buy a sailboat. The water calls to me, in a language that I completely understand.

SOTD

I Am the Highway – Audioslave
I Can Dream About You – Dan Hartman
Skin – Oingo Boingo

 

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Elevated cortisol levels

Funny how someone says something that you just go “why didn’t I think of that years ago???” Oops, wish I had. All those extreme sports and intense emotions, plus years of the fight or flight response levels at high alert- I suppose I’m used to running on adrenaline. And coffee. I love it more than water. So of course I was just told to stop drinking it – I switched immediately to black tea for a while, but holy canola, it sucks hard. I love coffee intensely. Freshly ground dark roast, finely ground but used in a french press to get that wonderful intense flavor and slight sediment at the bottom. A little sugar, but otherwise black so I could nurse it all day. Damn. Good thing I love tea so much, but ARGH. I need some distractions right *%$%#^% now.

SOTD

Enjoy the Silence – DM

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