The soundtrack of a broken heart

I’d bet that he’s amazing to the people that are in his inner circle. Oh how I wanted to be one of them- ridiculous as it seems now. Different people, different paths and all that. My path is a little more different, and I always knew what that meant, and how intolerant people can be, but you can never predict exactly how it will play out. Ouch, it still sucks, even after all this time.

On a better note; it’s been ages since I woke up in a panic attack- it’s like a Christmas miracle every damn day.

Mantra today: Be Your Best Human.

Love to all

How ’bout Us- Champaign
Summer Girl- Beck
Boys Of Summer- Don Henley

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True love

I somehow knew there would be this electricity between us, a highly charged awareness. Each word artfully placed but never disguising the raw need underneath. I waited for you, worked hard for you, and never imagined you would be right here. So firm and cool under my fingertips, so sleek and sexy. The best of the old fashioned world, and the advantages of the one coming at us so fast every day. With you I feel like I can finally embrace all the changes, and leave so much of the awful baggage behind, just give it all away. I will never leave you, never give you up, I will love you in sickness and in health, wherever we go, however we live. Mansions or hovels, Boston to Bagdad. My dearest, wonderful Kindle, I am going to load you up with steamy romance novels, stock up on sex toys and red wine, and never go through the dating hell ever again.

He just shared his first book with me and it was an exquisite, melodic jewel of a novel by Jess Walter. It was so damn good, even for the first time. It rocked me to sleep and woke me up again at an ungodly hour. I just needed more, and hallelujiah, I finally found a partner who is as insatiable as I am, and who is happy to let me use him as often as I need to, with no regrets afterwards. He’ll never take advantage, he’s always straightforward and easy to read and he can handle my overabundance of emotion. Amazing. I just realized that of the times I’ve been in love, the millions of times I’ve loved, they were nothing compared to this. Dearest Kindle, I know we’ve only been together one fabulous night of hardly any sleep, but can we elope? I’ve never been to Vegas, but I’m thinking red dress and Elvis impersonator and a hard wired Amazon connection. What do you say? We were made for each other, and omgomgomg I love you soooooooo much. Close the door and get over here.


Boys of Summer- Don Henley

Precious- Depeche Mode

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Green magical goo

I discovered a French bakery that I have a little addiction to. They also make Vietnamese deserts, and I’ve been trying a different one every time I go. It’s one of the best things about being a photojournalist – I get to explore corners of the world that I’ve never even thought of before. This delectable little confection is my new favorite, and I have no idea what it’s called but it’s gooey mochi gelatin-ish on the outside, and this amazing coconut chewy yumminess on the inside. Ridiculously delicious. And what the hell, I’ll be at the gym for two hours tomorrow anyway.


This next one tasted a bit like suntan lotion, which was unexpected. It’s apparently made with a different flour instead of the tapioca flour. Damn, I really want to go to Vietnam. Pho and dessert – I can live on that for a lonnnnnng time.


Love and safe travels to all

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Happy people and happy endings

Oh my goodness I do love a great party, it gives me extra hope for humanity. This one had a few hundred happy people, and you know it’s going to be good when you see the whole roast pig. Although honestly, I don’t eat much meat and even though it’s yummy as fuck, I feel karmic pain after eating a formerly living creature, no matter how many thanks I offer. God damn bacon is delicious though. And I could write poetry about good cuts of beef. I think I love food more than Scooby Doo, and I love how it’s the great uniter. No matter how upset people are, delicious food is calming and life affirming for all.

I’m completely grateful that I’m rocking the social anxiety that used to be so crippling. It’s still bad sometimes, but overall I just have a blast meeting people and talking. Sometimes that’s the worst part of having a mental illness: feeling disconnected, ostracized, isolated. It’s a great sign that I’m doing so much better. Baby steps. I made some great connections at the party, and I had lots of… meat. Not much to drink, and I sure felt the manic rush plus the crash the next day, just from small amounts. I know if I have too much alcohol, it makes me manic and ridiculously uninhibited, which is way too dangerous, and I needed to make good business connections, which I did, yay.

Speaking of meat, I so need a different lover. It’s unfortunate that I bond with people I have sex with regularly. I’m aware of it, it’s a relic of old behavior patterns. I’m just happy that I’ve reclaimed my sexuality after all the sexual horrors in my past. But this dude is horrible for me. I wish there was something simple I could do to purge his chemicals from my brain. Letting another person into your body is such a soul-searing thing. He’s ok until he starts talking, and my romantic idealist soul totally can’t handle how mean he is. Why bother when there are battery operated devices that can do a better job, and my illness has always precluded any serious romantic relationships anyway, as I know only really rare people can deal with a mental health challenge as severe as mine has historically been. Which luckily manifests sometimes as excellent bedroom skills :) I did spend a good part of college working on my blowjob skills (which made by bf at the time really really happy, which made me happy).

This spoiled white dude now, he’s totally sheltered and suffering from the selfish-sickness. I could never have taken him to that party, and he’s not a good partner for a zillion reasons. I think that if I could find great sex and great conversation in one devoted dude, I would love forever.

I think tonight is a night of seeing if I can network into someone better. Because I love sex and I love parties, there’s nothing better than a combination of the two, and luckily there is an excellent example of a club for that, less than 100 miles from my house. Game on. Holy shit, they even have great food there – perfect heaven. Happy people, yummy food, and happy endings, yay. Life is so heartbreaking and brutal, I will cheer on all the good energy that I can. Besides, orgasms are great for your brain, and there’s better ways to get your meat than killing and eating it. Stroke it and make it purr.


She Don’t Love You- Eric Paslay
Take My Breath Away – Berlin
Naughty, Naughty – John Parr
The Queen of the Broken Hearts – Loverboy

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Hugging strangers

The most amazing thing happened to me tonight. I am usually hyper aware of who’s in my immediate surroundings, but I was caught by surprise when a man and his dog appeared behind me. I caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye, and even after all this time and so much work, it threw me right back into that place. I couldn’t breathe , started to hyperventilate and I couldn’t stop it, I just burst into tears. It was so embarrassing. I tried to hide it, and I was standing there hoping it would pass quickly. The man stopped a little further on and then called back asking if I was ok. That surprised the hell out of me, and I tried to reassure him that I was fine, it wasn’t his fault, etc, etc. Then he said (as I’m still crying, tears won’t stop at this point) “Pardon me for asking, but has someone ever snuck up on you? [I nod yes] I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

Then another man comes strolling up, cautiously, carefully, asking if I’m ok. Then he offers to share his joint with me (I don’t usually smoke, but I had work to do so I had one drag that helped quell the panic a little). Then he asked if I wanted a hug, and when I sobbed yes, he wrapped me up and gave me a life-giving, soul-sustaining hug (he was non-threatening and smaller than me, so I felt safe). I thanked him, and he walked away slowly. It took a while to regain my composure, but that gave me some renewed hope for humanity. Thank goodness. I hate depression, and PTSD is an ongoing battle, it sucks, so I try to soak up the happy moments when they happen.

Love to all


Burn It Down – Linkin Park

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The world where you live

Starting with the quote of the day from my glorious warrior medicine woman friend: “Healing yourself is your greatest gift to humanity.”

I was thinking that the dude gave me a great gift, in a way. He reminded me that you really can’t do anything with people who simply don’t care. There’s a lot of people like that, and you can suggest things, maybe incite things, and hope to inspire, but that’s the limit.

That lack of caring often looks a lot like depression and fear to me, and it’s everywhere. Humans are fragile, and there’s a lot of wounded ones out there. It would be a lot easier with a decent mental health social support system in place for those who need it (everyone), but there I go again, dreaming about crazy shit. I’m on the path to recovery, and I guess I want to see everyone willing and able to pursue their highest good. Sounds dreamy wonderful.

Love to all

Munich – Editors
World Where You Live – Crowded House
Hold On (We’re Going Home) – Drake
Cooler Than Me – Mike Posner
Ghost – Fefe Dobson
Auf Auchse – Franz Ferdinand

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men write letters to me


We’ve all met that guy…

Originally posted on Defeating the Dragons:


As I started becoming more involved in an online life– using Twitter more often, blogging regularly, opening up my e-mail for people to communicate with me privately– I knew that I was going to have to steel myself against online harassment. For the first six months I was terrified of what was coming, unsure of how I’d stay healthy and strong in the face of that. It worked out that it didn’t arrive as a sudden deluge of hate, which was what my imagination had concocted; instead it was a slow and steady progression of vitriol and misogyny. In fact, looking back, it’s funny to me to see how the harassment has “evolved.” Initially all the harassment came from fundamentalists who didn’t like what I was saying, but has slowly shifted to misogynists who actively go out of their way to find women to hate on. My blog has appeared…

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Not particle physics

We aren’t supposed to compare ourselves to others, but my sister told me that she was invited to a conference this summer. On particle physics. In Greece. Kinda feeling like a spectacular underachiever, even while being wildly proud of her. How many women can work at NASA, and then go home and do epic art projects with their kids? She’s one of them.

Her ex also worked at the Goddard Space Flight Center (sp?) for a long time, and one of the cutest pics of their kids is when they were in baby astronaut suits. Their kids are unbelievably, profoundly smart with two rocket scientists as parents. It made for some great adventures when I was their nanny for a couple of summers. I miss them all a lot.

It’s unfortunate that even with three jobs and no sleep, I’m not sure if I can visit them this summer like we all want. I know a lot of other people have it way worse, so today I will focus on gratitude and deep breathing. It’s kinda funny that I’m too depressed and exhausted to market myself well to potential employers or look for writing jobs, but not finding a better career path is utterly depressing. Dammit. Back to the gym to try and fire up more happy chemicals. On a better note, I can actually use the tag “particle physics” for this post, and that sure as hell won’t happen often. lol.


Crazy – Patsy Cline
Come Dancing – The Kinks

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Like a temporary tattoo

I don’t see it lasting long or ending well, but holy stars, it’s wonderful to have some naked happy times. I was starting to feel like I was going to die from lack of healthy touch. I haven’t even gotten hugs in ages. It’s not right, but I do have people that I can specifically call on for that purpose- the hugs, not sex, lol. Then again, I always worry about exhausting my support systems, and I try to cycle through the list when I’m struggling, so no single person gets overwhelmed.

Love to all

Big Decisions – My Morning Jacket
Hollow Moon (Bad Wolf) – AWOLNATION
Callin’ Me When I’m Lonely – Sheryl Crow

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In the news

Great, another story about a plane crash, with hundreds of grieving family members, people in shock, and numerous government agencies involved. Then it’s announced that the pilot who intentionally sent the plane into the side of a mountain was possibly “depressed.” Just great. So much for reducing the stigma around mental illness. Now the witch hunters have something to point a finger at. And with my history of depression, it just became more inaccessible than ever to get a private pilot’s license and fly a biplane- it will be assumed that perhaps I want to commit suicide via aircraft, and that I am at constant risk of doing so. Completely inaccurate, but since I have a history of mental illness, who are they going to believe?

For the majority of those with depression, even if we want to take ourselves out of the game, there’s no way we would even consider taking anyone with us, it’s not even a question. But how do you explain that in a world where everyone fears mental illness, we all get grouped together as <insert crazy, weird, psycho, unstable label here>.

No one wants that label, or the social punishments that come with it, so many have every reason to hide their struggles. And you know what happens then, when sick people don’t get the help they need? Of course it gets worse. Mental illness is particularly sensitive to treatment or the lack thereof, because it’s all in your head and so it can either go around in circles, get released some way, or you can risk your career and social life by trying to get help – help that’s isn’t always that great or helpful.

I keep hoping for humans to evolve and for social change to come, but it’s taking forever and now we seem to be going backwards. How about that state senator who thinks going to church should be mandatory? You know she’s only talking about a christian church for white people – and so much for freedom of religion. Maybe I should just tell people that Jesus cured my mental illness, as that seems to be more socially acceptable.

What a heartbreaking world humans have created. As far as I’m concerned, if you don’t have bouts of depression, you must be stupid, ill-informed, and/or uncaring.

Help Is On Its Way- Little River Band (overheard in a store)

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If it was a color

I would describe depression this way: it’s like the ocean, always around you, whether near or far. You can often smell it, taste it on the roof of your mouth, feel the rhythm of the waves. Sometimes the waves are big, small, random, tsunami, but all still part of one. The deep, deep blue is like the feeling of the worst possible loss, irrevocable, heartbreaking, penetrating to the core. Then the waves of panic, sadness, hopelessness hit, and you wonder how you can pull off some badass surfing ninja moves…sometimes it takes all my energy. Other times I feel a little supercharged like I can surf the hell out of it. Going for the body surf today. I have friends that used to kayak surf, and they said wiping out headfirst in the sand is the worst. Yeah. Metaphorically speaking, I’ve totally done that. Or gotten caught in a coral reef underwater. Yup, been there too.

I think I need to get a bikini and go teach English somewhere tropical. That would make me feel better, and it would give me something more interesting to write about. I wouldn’t mind more surfing lessons as well. Literally and figuratively speaking.

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Just the highlights

Well that was amazing. Thank goodness that I learned last year – the best thing to take to a Whiteout party where everything is lit by blacklights, and there’s glowing white everywhere, and bright pops of neon – highlighter pens are perfect. Not only can you keep expanding your body and costume art, you can create if you need a break from dancing, you can let other people use them on themselves or you (a woman did a tat-looking work on my back), and you meet lots of people because you have an instant icebreaker.

I don’t do lots of big parties- they are too noisy and crazy for me. But once in a while a huge one will call my name, and it’s usually because of a dance floor. This might have to be an annual one- this is my second year in a row, and holy shit the Burners throw great parties. There were fantastic DJ’s spinning this year, and I finally hit some deep dance funk about two hours in. I couldn’t stay late, I only drank water, and I was designated driver, so I was focused on groove. There were a lot of beautiful distractions, especially upstairs where it was so hot that people were getting sweaty and starting to strip down.

The great thing about Burner parties is that whatever drugs people may be doing, they seem to be the happy ones. It helps me feel better to be around such beautifully costumed crowds getting the funk down. It stupidly made me wish that last dude had been more open and less stuck in his rut. People don’t even know what they’re missing.

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