Baking and construction

I rolled out the bread dough just slightly with my hands, and poured melted butter over it. Then I sprinkled a little sugar and cinnamon across it evenly, and then rolled it up and tucked it into a loaf pan. It’s not too sweet, and perfect toasted.

Baking is so relaxing, but I should find someone to bake for – my ass is getting too curvy. It’s harder to haul up the mountain, and forget about doing an eskimo roll – ain’t gonna happen.

My first burlesque class was recently and I had forgotten the ecstasy of finding a new art form to play in. It’s gotten the creative juices flowing; how heavenly. I have all kinds of ideas, I think I found an ideal medium for me right now. There will be teasing, flirting, costume design, cake, construction (a roofing persona could be hilarious), and so much more. Perfect. It helps to balance out the summer depression. Cinnamon toast helps too.

Love to all

Woman, Woman – Awolnation




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Meat substitutions

One of the dudes got frustrated and sent me the following text after about two weeks of silence: “When are you going to let me hit that??? I promise I make you cumb all over it.”


Modern men are so stupid, seriously. Just because I’m sex positive, doesn’t mean I’ll automatically fuck you. And if you use poor spelling and grammar, your chances are pretty much shot. The only way to get me naked is via my brain, you fucking ape. Since I no longer cycle hard like I did on pharmaceuticals, you can hope I’ll drink enough to make you attractive, but it isn’t likely.

I’m pretty sure he was only trying so hard because he wanted to be the one roofer that finally got to score – they’ve all been trying with no success, and he would have just told everyone. I admit to a wild satisfaction when I shut him the fuck down. Dudes like that remind me why there’s such a huge market for sex toys.

The Other Boys – NERVO
Sex (I’m A…) – Berlin

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The harem garage

I distrust my taste in men, there’s no getting around it. How unfortunate because naughty nooky like the other night? Super fun. Oh man what an awful choice of partner though, I’m so ashamed. I’m sad that I keep choosing the abusive unhealthy one; I keep thinking that perhaps by now I’ve worked through that behavior pattern or that he’s become a better man. Nope. Ugh. We have such a sick relationship pattern, it makes me cringe with horror … After I get over the fun of the night before. He’s convenient. Dammit. He’s totally like that Porsche driver from the movie Bridesmaids, but with a Corvette race car instead. Grrr.

Free Will – Rush
Oops, I Did It Again – Britney Spears
Never Can Say Goodbye – The Communards
It’s All Been Done – Barenaked Ladies
I Drove All Night – Cyndi Lauper
The Other Boys – NERVO
Touch Me – Samantha Fox
Free – Graffiti6
Hollow Moon (Bad Wolf) – AWOLNATION
Woman, Woman – AWOLNATION


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Obscure 80’s ballads

The first song today is cheesy and repetitive and awful, but it has a few good moments for what it is and I totally love it anyway. That melancholy love song sound that’s universal however you musically express it, which is actually not at all how I’m feeling, thank goodness.

I’ve been in a weird phase for musical taste lately; appreciating familiarity but restlessly craving something new. I find myself listening all the time, because I never know where I’ll hear the next song that I’ll fall in love with. It could be through the open windows of the car that pulls up next to me, or the cranked up headphones of a passing pedestrian. It might be on that scratchy radio station that barely comes in, or on the playlist of a friend’s phone.

Music has a huge effect on mood, and then you choose more music for your mood, it becomes cyclical, and how do you want it to go?

SOTD (I’m sorry, xoxo)

Without Your Love – Toto
Fallen Angel – Saga


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Buttoned down

My friend and I went out for drinks tonight (he wears suits, damn I appreciate a sharp dressed man – can we talk about button down shirts? Yum) and we were talking about our latest adventures. I told him I finally signed up for burlesque training and he completely lost his mind over the idea. I was like, wtf did I miss? I feel chubby and centuries old…wait, what? I don’t understand, but maybe I’m doing better than I thought. Or not as bad as I thought. We’re not supposed to need external validation; it’s more of a mile marker to see where you are. Hmmm.

I can’t wait for the injection of fabulous in my life. There will definitely be icing involved in my burlesque act, I’m quite looking forward to it. Maybe it’s the sunshine, but I feel my sassy coming back with a rush.

I’m Your Man – Leonard Cohen

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Lucky stars

How lucky do I feel? Do I dare? Yes, I sure as hell do. I keep a low profile and stick to my own agenda, and I have biking and hiking and paddling to do, get the hell out of my way. My mom told me ages ago that I would love it there, and I’ve been dreaming of a writing studio there (in my artist-y wet dreams). It’s about damn time that I went. I’m just totally jumpy about even getting near the pissy dudes, but fingers crossed that those stars are completely not aligned. The city is so crowded; I want space and room to move in the trees and on the water with my friends, no matter who I have to pass on the way there.

And since I  booked my vacation; holy fuck I want to try SUP really really bad, even if I hurt myself. Again. Some failure is inevitable; it means you’re trying challenging things. What the hell, I’m feeling kinda lucky these days.

Underneath the Radar – Underworld
Lucky Star – Madonna

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River fever

When I first started paddling in college, there simply weren’t any other women in my area doing it -or hangliding or rock climbing either. I moved here because it’s a whitewater kayaking mecca – and I finally realized part of what makes this city great: women are allowed to be strong here. Whereas in other places I got funny looks or stupid comments if I said I was a paddler, here I was welcomed. I could paddle and play with a giant group of awesome guys (super entertaining), and still be treated like a normal human.

Perfect for me – the whitewater crowd is pretty loco for obvious reasons, but in a super cool fun way. In the community, you lend people boats, gear, and invite them over for a beer. You rescue anyone who needs it, and retrieve gear floating downstream. It’s lovely, kind of like a crazy wilderness church. And either you have river fever, or you don’t get it. I’ve certainly had rapids and a couple waterfalls that made me speak in tongues. Hallelujiah.

How grievously painful that now that I can afford to go play on the water, my best whitewater buddy has died. I still can’t believe he’s gone – I can’t bear to delete his last texts.

Mantra today: Stay calm, use your inhaler, think of the future, plan a vacation.


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Trip switch

I couldn’t figure out why I bought so much fried chicken – climbing back into my car, not that hungry. Then I see a skinny homeless man appear, pushing his cart around the corner. He got pretty damn excited, and I understand that. When you’re hungry (he looked like he was licking a wrapper of some sort) anything tastes good. But perfectly spiced, hot fried chicken is worth getting excited about. He offered to smoke me out (no thank you), then said he owed me a song, to which I said yes. Drugs no, music yes.

Working downtown late in the evening, I see lots of homeless people. The old men stumbling through the park with icicles of drool blowing in the gentle spring breeze. The little roving bands of shabby, desperate people. I carefully dress to blend in and not have problems, then I go to another part of the city with its ridiculously expensive everything, and the sense of entitlement – quite a switch. I like them both for different reasons, but I couldn’t shake it tonight, the wishing I didn’t have to live in the city. I’m super lucky and blessed in where I am and where I work, but – *sigh*


Trip Switch – Nothing But Thieves
Urgent – Foreigner
My Church – Maren Morris
Teddy Bear – Elvis

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A bit of sweetness in a messy world


Every culture has a food that’s eaten in celebration, this is mine. Love to all

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Mile posts

My friend says it’s good karma coming back to me, and I love that idea, but  it’s more likely the gods got distracted for a moment from their game of “torture the human.” Whatever it is, WOW. What a stunning change, even though I’ve been working and making baby steps forward; all of a sudden I made a giant leap that alters everything. Holy crap it’s funny how things work out – all the people who thought or hoped that  I was doomed to a life half lived in a fog of medication and therapy. Fuck that noise.

Now that I’m back to working multiple jobs and actually paying down my hospital debt, I’ve finally gotten to the point where I can think about future plans. With a tiny bit of surplus I signed up for a class, and planned a couple of days off in the woods with friends. I just want to drive until all I see are trees and sky, and I can run, bike, swim, and/or paddle until I’m running on fumes. That sounds perfect.


Kiss Me – Tin Tin

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