Wearing your colors

Finally now I’m putting together the harem of boyfriends that I’ve wanted. It would take one pretty goddamn spectacular man to inspire me to surrender my independence, and that hasn’t happened. Instead, I am gathering a bunch of them to fulfill my requirements.

So far I’ve lined up:

The blue eyed one for dressy, elegant indoor activities requiring social skills.
The nurse, for outdoor activities and all things mechanical.

Now I need a few for casual dates, and one super skilled lover. I used to think I was only wired for one, but modern dating is so awful, and modern men have no honor or loyalty – why should I waste my loyalty on them? I’ve decided to be poly, and tell all of them that I’m seeing other men. And actually, I might see other women as well. Why limit yourself? Life is short and messy, round up as much happiness as you can.


Blue Eyes – Elton John
Colors – April Smith and the Great Picture Show

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Strict orders

Cleaning the house this morning and I finally could put it into words: the dude orders people around for a living. Ohhhhh, no wonder. ROFLMFAO. I am irresistibly drawn to the dom type, but I also have the irresistible urge to run far, far away from that type. Thank goodness. That mindset rarely comes with any empathy, or the ability to understand women like me. The manic and curious side of me wishes I’d maybe been able to tap that, but the practical side whispers the reminder arrogant assholes are terrible in bed. I’m not really the obedient type anyway – I push the boundaries a bit too far. Only in the bedroom will I obey your commands, and they’re all still subject to review.

For so many reasons, I’m so glad to never see that dude again. Luckily we don’t exactly run in the same social circles. I started hanging out with dudes who are way more my thing, and luckily I work in a hospital where there is a constant stream of handsome staff and interesting visitors. Since I’m never getting married, I might as well enjoy myself.

In fact, I think I will call up that dom who emailed me and play with some boundaries. Might as well get it out of my system – both the positive, and the negative associations that I have with bossy, dominant men.

Cold Blood – Kix
The Way Life’s Meant To Be – ELO
Control – Broken Bells

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Always safe and sound

This week was a bloody, gory, stressful run at the hospital. At one point the ER tech and I are looking at each other like is there a full moon or what? Crazy shit. Heartbreaking shit. You really see how lives can change drastically in a split second.

No one wants to be stuck with their thoughts and their pain while a team of doctors and nurses try to fix the broken parts as fast as possible. In my new role I get to hear more of the stories behind the traumas and illnesses, and damn, sometimes it’s hard to hear.

Heart of Stone – Cher
Safe and Sound – Capital Cities

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The letters after your name

How funny that my first class is psychology. I feel like I should already have at least an honorary psychology degree – isn’t that how it works, after you’ve seen so many counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, doctors, ad nauseum, over the years? I certainly paid enough to cover the cost of tuition.

I think everyone needs to learn the skills as early as possible; how to take care of the mental and social healthcare aspects of your life, and how to deal with the parts that aren’t working. Then again, the shape of western mental health care can be super destructive – the eagerness for drugs that destroy the human underneath the symptoms that are supposedly being “controlled.”

Missing (dance remix) – Everything But The Girl
Sailing On The Seven Seas – OMD
Take A Drunk Gil Home – Chris Janson


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Monday morning

Sometimes reconnecting with an old friend can provide valuable insight and powerful grounding. I had breakfast this morning with one of my dearest friends from high school, and the conversation reminded me of some important lessons about life, humanity, and the importance of pursuing your dreams. The last couple of months have been challenging – who am I kidding, life is often challenging – but I have made some moves to change everything, hopefully for the better, and now I feel a little more excited about it.

As of this morning, I am registered for school, because it’s amazingly free to get a degree through my job!!! I have also connected with a computer whiz who is hopefully going to build me a computer so I can work on teaching online. And I’m contemplating a CNA or EMT program, just because right now I actually have the time and money, sort of, to manage it. Life is short, might as well pack my brain full of as much cool, useful info as I can.

If nothing else, it’s excellent distraction from the blues, and makes me feel a tiny bit more accomplished and less worthless as a human. I decided long ago that a life of service was the only thing that would truly fulfill me, but hammering out the details has taken longer than I thought it would.

Monday Morning – Melanie Fiona
Woman Woman – AWOLNATION
Need You Now – Lady Antebellum
Dreaming – OMD

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I finally met somebody promising. He’s smart, international, and interesting to talk to. Then we sat down under a beautiful arch of jasmine, it was a gorgeous summer night, he ran his hands through my hair, and the next thing I know, he’s sucking on the back of my neck like a damn vampire. The next morning I had hickies.  FFS. I’ve been told I’m delicious, but really?? What about courtship and romance?

In addition to the terrors of dating, I started delving more into the swinger/poly lifestyle, because at least in that world participants have clear and open communication – that’s something anyway. I made a new friend who is helping me set up a long-held fantasy. I can’t seem to make my dreams of family, career, or home come true, so I might as well branch out into other things that might make me happy. It took years and years of work, failure, and more work, before I could reclaim my sexuality after the 12 years of sexual abuse as a child, and that’s not counting any of the adult traumas. I don’t like still having flashbacks or issues around sex – why should those men get to destroy that aspect of my life? Men destroy so much, I’m fighting back on this one. No man, no brainwashed religion-follower, NO ONE gets to tell me what to do with my body. I’ve put up with enough.

So here we go. Tons more dating coming up (fingers crossed for one civilized partner), and one goddess-worshipping gangbang with fully vetted participants (none of that degrading treatment). Let’s see how many orgasms we can generate in one very fun night. Scandalous for a woman you say? Fuck you, I get to do whatever the fuck I want. I’m sick of self-righteous assholes passing judgement, or narrow minded, hypocritical people dick-tating what they think women can or can’t do.


My Church – Maren Morris
I Touch Myself – The Divinyls

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Huckleberry Hunt

Finding them usually takes a lot of hiking through the woods up in the mountains in late summer. With the risk of bears and bees, we always had to wear long pants and long sleeves – not that great on a hot summer day, but worth it after only five minutes of brapping through the woods without getting scratched or stung.  Worth it too, for the flavor saturated, deep purple berry. They’re like a marionberry mixed with a blueberry, with overtones of clean mountain water and air, and a touch of pine. Pure magic.

Luckily I saw a notice that they were also to be found at a local farmer’s market this morning. I woke up at an ungodly hour, couldn’t sleep, and suddenly remembered the notice – and was out the door, completely focused on huckleberries. I’m overnighting a pint to my brother across the country. Expensive, but worth it for the brief taste of mountain summer.


Two More Bottles of Wine – Delbert McClinton

2018-08-04 08.45.01

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The spiky inhale

The depression is back, and I could list the reasons why, but it doesn’t change the reality of living with it. The sensation of each breath being a spiky scratch of pain, regret, and the deepest sorrow – all unnecessary, but a constant rush of blue energy just the same.

I’ve been running some distractions, keeping busy, and also trying to push myself to the point of exhaustion so I can’t think about the things I can’t change. I feel like I’m completely failing at adulting.

Alive Again – DJ Champion
Spider – Sweet Thing
Cry To Me – Marc Broussard
Lazy Susan – Sweet Thing

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Winds over water

And then the waves come back, and all I can see is blue. And still no you.

Summertime Sadness – Lana Del Rey

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The Lost Book of Chaucer

We pulled the huge old book out of the shelves, just as we heard a faint commotion at the entrance far away across the vast reaches of the underground archives. Elliot quickly stashed the book in his backpack, while I shifted the remaining books on the shelf to make the hole less conspicuous. I reached my hand in one last time, and froze as I encountered something I didn’t expect.

Whispered voice hoarse with excitement; “El, give me the flashlight.”

“What is it? We have to go, like now.”

“There’s something weird on the wall behind this shelf.” Our pursuers were only moments away, but I took a chance and started yanking, pushing, pulling, twisting on what felt like a lever. We were in the far corner of the archives, up against ancient stone walls in the cavernous space. Shelves and sealed cabinets stretched up and out as far as the eye could see – if there had been lights on. Distantly we could see fast moving points of light scanning the area, and our previous exit plans were now cut off.

With a faint grinding noise, part of the shelving swung out, revealing a small door in the wall. We looked at each other, grinned wickedly, and dove through it, carefully pulling the shelves and door closed behind us. Come what may, we were deep in it now. Elliot handed me a flashlight, as we stood up and we looked around at the hidden chamber we had found.


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