Lonely like forever

Depression woke me at 6:30; heartbroken and sore down to my soul. Lonely like forever, despairing for humanity in general and myself in particular.

Given the current state of things, I decided I needed to do housework in heels and a pinup dress. Writing, photography, art, sewing, baking, cleaning, gardening – these make life so much better when the blues return. Logically I know how incredibly lucky and blessed I’ve been, so I will try to focus on that, even when my brain is swamped with the sad chemicals.

Oh how I wish I could do kitchen magic to make some worldwide calm and compassion, but simple cinnamon rolls will have to do, and a long technical bike ride. Alone as usual and in a dress, because I still want to be both feminine and ninja bad ass.


21 Summer – The Brothers Osborne

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Piano in the park

I can hear them howling at the moonlight, in that melancholy sound that tears at my soul. The wolves of depression – at least they’re predictable. So I blew off everything important to address my mental health with drinking some wine, cooking something delicious, and biking in the warm summer night.

I went to a park tonight and saw another piano installation – I love those. I sat down across from it, like a whole bunch of others, and hoped someone would come play it. Two people strolled up all casual, and one started playing the theme from The Pink Panther- it made me giggle and feel much better, able to forget what I see on the news for just a moment.

Love to all


Piano In The Dark – Brenda Russell
Calling America – ELO
California Baby – KaleaBlues From a Gun – The Jesus and Mary Chain


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The sun’s about to come out and oh my goodness I love summertime here. Time for a drive out the Gorge to have lunch in a brewery by the river. Or bike up a mountain with a picnic. See a movie in the park, or just lay in bed with the newspaper and coffee, and the warm breezes blowing through the window. I wish more people could experience the peace and happiness I have right now. Bipolar baseline in a magical part of the world- I sure appreciate it for however long it lasts. I worry a lot and lately feel driven to carry a go pack with me all the time, including a first aid kit and basic emergency supplies. What horrible things humans are doing to each other – I feel incredibly spoiled to be able to run around free, naked, and stoned in the sunshine.

Voyeur – Kim Carnes
Come Dancing – The Kinks
Forever May Not Be Long Enough – Live
Bonified Lovin – Chromeo
Ocean Drive – Duke Dumont


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Genius firefighter with puppy

4am comes quickly if you’re talking to someone amazing. I haven’t caught up on my sleep yet, and it was totally worth it. She’s what I would call a new generation of medicine woman – totally modern feminist, and always working to make things better.

It makes my artist brain feel better when I can shoot ideas back and forth with other like minded creative brains. You never know what great ideas can burst forth. She introduced me to the concept of placeholders, which sent me off into a whole creative tangent. She said that maybe the dude is a placeholder. That’s what she said her previous bf was, and then she met her current kindred spirit. Holy shit it makes my heart happy to see such a good match. He’s hot warrior creative type – how glorious to live with someone who inspires you in so many ways, and what great ideas will their team come up with now?

Yummmm, I dream of a hot muse; a genius firefighter with a puppy would make me lose my shit right now. Anyway, she got me thinking about what other placeholders do we have in our lives? What energies will be exchanged, and what stays the same? I have some personal hopes for change, but I’m distracted by what a mess our planet is. I wish I could do a creative magic spell that would make world peace or warm and fuzzy change on a large scale. Maybe I’ll  write or paint the version of the world that I would like to see. And maybe I should stop reading so many romance novels. Hmmm


As The World Falls Down – David Bowie
Kiss You Tonight – David Nail
California Baby – Katea
Run, Run Away – Slade
Hold The Line – Toto
Ocean Drive – Duke Dumont
Destination Unknown – Marietta

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Swimming holes

The access to this one sucked hard; think cliff with loose dirt and not much to hold on to. But this perfect swimming hole made it worth while. It’s down stream from some hot springs, so the glacial water wasn’t as frigid as it might be otherwise. The water was immaculately clean, with warm basalt columns to take the chill out after diving in. No sharks, no bears, no creepy critters that far up in the mountains. It was one of those perfect summer afternoons that I wish I could rewind and play over and over.


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Perhaps it was the vacation time, and actually getting to step out of my “work self to death trying to catch up” mode. Maybe it’s the time of year, the awful things happening around the world, and the extreme stress from work.  Whatever it was, the combination hit me hard today and holy crap I feel awful – wrecked with sadness. But who cares? The world is full of brokenhearted people, doing what they can to make it through. I’m trying to hold on to the gratitude I have for the many blessings in my life, but I’m so sad that I forget sometimes. Pictures remind me.

Love to all

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Marionberry coffeecake

The crumbly crunchy sugar topping is perfect, even if it hurts me in the gym. The berries are enormous, and they created warm pockets of sweet deliciousness.  I used the base recipe from a box, and then adjusted it for my needs; substitute the oil with applesauce, and add a little flax seed meal to give it better texture and nutrition. I love baking, it’s like doing happy kitchen magic, with the end result good for the soul – and edible. Usually.

Bonus: My apartment smells fantastic.


I Wanna Get Lost With You – Stereophonics



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I see you everywhere

The wilderness and camping on the island was wonderful – finally getting away from the sound of traffic and seeing something new and beautiful yet so familiar down to the bone. Even after all this time, it still feels a little raw to pass through that area and I was so glad I was with a fun friend to distract me. I knew she was good in the woods – all my female friends tend to have bad ass skills – but holy crap I loved her camp cooking. Then we went on her first real mountain bike ride, where sections were super steep, rocky, with huge roots and a few drop offs, and then this perfect long downhill winding section. Which we hiked back up and sailed back down.

I ditched my burlesque class for the weekend vacation, but I kept thinking about it. I need my muddy time in the woods, but I need my civilized time too. And I sure as hell need my sparkly time. Unfortunately I feel too awful to do anything else fun, and I’m working too much to have much social life. I need a lavender lemon drop martini, some serious personal grooming, and holy fuck I feel awful- coming back from vacation, summer solstice is over (days getting shorter and headed back into cold dark winter) and back into high stress job – I hope that’s not a crash I see coming.

And really I ditched the burlesque class forever. It’s a matter of conserving my energy for what I can manage, and trying to ride out the waves of blue. My non-sparkly job takes my time, hurts my soul sometimes, and hooking up with the asshole dude didn’t help (wtf is wrong with me), even though his equipment helped release some happy chemicals, and the physical contact helped me ground.

Note to self: Get new front shocks and replace front brake pads


21 Summer – Brothers Osborne
Everywhere – Tim McGraw


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The song of the ocean

How wonderful to get to feel the road underneath my wheels again, to be going somewhere new and beautiful. It stimulates the brain, and oh lord I need this. I can feel myself teetering on the edge of depression and I instigated emergency measures to counteract it, but there it is. It’s like a bad dream that lingers after you’ve woken up and tried to move on with your day.

Some swimming in the ocean will help, and hiking up something tall. I’m bringing my mountain bike and my running shoes and except for eating yummy food and hanging by the campfire, I don’t intend to stop moving the entire time. And holy crap I miss the ocean – I need to see it, feel it, submerge in it for a while. I think it will help a lot. Maybe I was a mermaid in my last life or something, because I don’t feel complete without regular doses of rivers or ocean. I just decided that I won’t ever buy a house, I would buy a sailboat. The water calls to me, in a language that I completely understand.


I Am the Highway – Audioslave
I Can Dream About You – Dan Hartman
Skin – Oingo Boingo


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Elevated cortisol levels

Funny how someone says something that you just go “why didn’t I think of that years ago???” Oops, wish I had. All those extreme sports and intense emotions, plus years of the fight or flight response levels at high alert- I suppose I’m used to running on adrenaline. And coffee. I love it more than water. So of course I was just told to stop drinking it – I switched immediately to black tea for a while, but holy canola, it sucks hard. I love coffee intensely. Freshly ground dark roast, finely ground but used in a french press to get that wonderful intense flavor and slight sediment at the bottom. A little sugar, but otherwise black so I could nurse it all day. Damn. Good thing I love tea so much, but ARGH. I need some distractions right *%$%#^% now.


Enjoy the Silence – DM

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