Everything plastic is compromised

That’s four words that changed my life. One big fire, one helpful cleaning service trying to salvage things for me, and one short statement that really made me think about things in a different way; how much of what we own is made of plastic? Way too much. That includes my two kayaks, my adored bent shaft offset paddle, my drysuit, and a large amount of art supplies. Everything else smells horrible and/or was soaking wet and/or molding, rusting, and otherwise in various states of wreckage. Thank goodness I worry a lot; I had a hefty insurance policy on all of it. Still though, it’s humbling to see most everything you own in a big, soot-covered pile.I cried and saved things I shouldn’t have, and let go of a lot that I didn’t want to, like all of my teaching books, my Montessori guidebook, and huge, beautiful art books.

Oh well, having too much stuff isn’t good for you. I feel much lighter, albeit rather traumatized. I had to spend four hours going through things and making a list. It’s pretty amazing that my insurance company had a cleaning company come out, pack all my shit in a truck, and haul it off to a warehouse for sorting and cleaning. Now the remnants are going to sit in an ozone chamber for days to get the smell out. I wish they could park my car in there too; it smells awful after hauling things around. The fire burned all kinds of toxic things, so the smoke was super toxic and corrosive.

What an interesting experience it’s been, and those four words completely inspire me to keep asking the question: What would people do if everything plastic was compromised? I think I need to write a story about it. And last but not least, I am super irritated that I lost my huge bag of naughty adult toys, but grateful that I could discreetly throw them away before the cleaning company came out. The sorters were already scandalized by my erotic art books. Oops.


Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Music to break your heart

People who saw me crash would never believe how well I’m doing now. Actually I prefer to never see most people again if they’ve seen me bottom out in hard core depression, they never look at you the same, rarely treat you the same. Social recovery is hard.
Then I look around and see how everything has changed, how much better I feel, and screw the doubters. Recovery is achievable, it’s just ongoing hard work. Good thing I got an early start.

I got effective treatment, and I committed to a life of health and recovery – I’ve worked on it constantly, through the crippling, debilitating pain of the lows, and through the ecstatic, hyperactive rush of the highs. Through the times when I could barely function due to constant panic attacks, and for all those years when the PTSD symptoms felt like too big a burden to carry. And losing so much in the battles – more than I thought I could stand.

I was told early that with the severity of my illness, a normal life was pretty much out of reach forever. Of course, I knew that already. I’d been molested from when I was 4 or 5 until I was 17, compounded with some other issues, so I had no illusions about happy endings or anything like that. No rescue, no Prince Charming, I just prepared for grueling struggle all the way through, with hopes for some happiness in bits along the way. I knew early that relationships would be challenging, especially with men, and that finding my path was not going to be easy.

Luckily I’ve met lots of teachers along the way, some better than others. My story isn’t even all that bad, all things considered. Millions and millions of people have it much much worse. Yet every time I feel a wave hit, it still hurts like hell. Like ripping open a deep old scar. Those are the times I go for a drive with the stereo cranked, run it out, find social support, do art – try anything I can to get out of that head space. It’s almost killed me twice, and that’s not even counting all the extreme sports. I don’t believe the label, but there’s a few elements of accuracy to it. Damn it anyway. But thank god/goddess/Quan Yin/FSM/etc for the abundance of blessings that I do have. Holy shit I am so grateful.

Goodbye to You – Patty Smith and Scandal
Stuck On A Feelin – Prince Royce

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Candy from strangers

I was out on another writing assignment today, and while I was standing around waiting for the event to start, I see this gorgeous woman walking towards me. She was wearing a classic red dress with 40’s pinup style, super sassy shoes, and a white wool coat. It was gorgeous, and I told her she looked fabulous. Her whole face lit up, it was beautiful to see. We started talking, it was a gorgeous sunshiny day, and what a fun random connection with a stranger. Before she walked away to go to her “Galentine’s Day” party, she opened her bag and pulled out a cute little box of chocolate and handed it to me “Here you go, have a great day!” And off she went. I took it as a sign from the universe that I’m doing well. The other day a random Tibetan man gave me a foot massage and then walked away, and now beautiful strangers are giving me chocolate. Hell yes I take candy from strangers, when it’s hand-crafted artisan chocolate.


True Love – Glenn Frey
You Can’t Run From Love – Eddie Rabbit (overheard in the speakers at an amazing BBQ place)


That’s amore

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Zen as hell

So it was art night at my house tonight- I finally got to see someone using oil paints – and I noticed that my color palette has completely changed.  For a long time it was  primarily shades of blue and black – when I was lost at sea, lost in space, just wrecked out alone in the universe. Depression (that time) was kind of like that scene from the movie “The Perfect Storm” when Mark Wahlberg is floating alone in the ocean – and it showed on a lot of my paintings. Now it’s warm shades of chocolate and rose, with a side of creamy french vanilla, perhaps a little turquoise to make things pop. I’m currently in love with turquoise, and back in love with sepia tones.

How wonderful to see the elements of my recovery through the representation on canvas. Art is so wonderful for healing. I honestly suck at painting, but holy crap I adore it. Sometimes I need to express things in ways that I don’t have words for. And it’s interesting to look back at the things I’ve painted when I was cycling really hard, or at different ends of the spectrum. Pretty glad that I threw out the “Rape Cake” painting though. It doesn’t match my decor, and I’m a huge believer in a therapeutic environment. You have to decorate for the mood you want to always have, and for me that’s stable happy positive, not matter what storm is going on around me. Or over me, through me, blowing up my boat whatever. I am the fucking ocean, I am zen as hell. I’ll be over here painting it. Ooo, since my giant photo of the Lady Washington died in the fire, I think I should paint some tall ships. Steampunk ones but with happy pink sails. Perfect.


Sailing On The Seven Seas – OMD


Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bipolar getting older

The whole thing was awful, but every now and then I get a little giggle because I’ll bet they never saw that letter coming. Given what I’ve read in the news since then, I like to think it really did have an impact. However, I hope to God that the Blue Angels guy getting demoted around the same time was just coincidence. On the other hand, some things needed to be addressed with that crowd. A giant phallus was painted on the roof of their hangar? Wow, that’s ridiculous. I’m sure they had a great time when I was the butt of their jokes, and I’d guess it wasn’t just the one voyeur dude who was irate after getting called on the carpet. I’ll never know, but every now and then I wonder what really went down. All I did was ask their commanding officer to educate them better. Who the hell knows how that played out, but hopefully for the best.

Even years later I’ll bet that they remember me even if they don’t want to. Amazing men really, in a lot of ways. I mean really, it was dangerous to even put me around pilots, since I love airplanes so much. And the more rare or fast that they are – I’m already wet. All those dudes were bred on a steady stream of “Top Gun” and with good reason. Then to see how they really view women, how they treated them, including me – hello assholes, we’re not “naturally inferior” and emotions don’t make anyone weak – it’s a different kind of intelligence. And there are plenty of women who love sex and intimacy – that makes us human, not whores. Just because we enjoy it, doesn’t mean we will enjoy it with anyone or everyone.

I do still feel lingering shame that I had sex with that one pilot in the bed he normally shared with his wife. I feel dirty and awful about it, and besides that it was pretty boring sex. I faked it to hurry things along – it was just the human contact that I was desperate for, that full body connection even for a few minutes when I was so crashed out with suicidal depression. Yuck. He initially presented as single, and then he bragged about having sex with pretty much anything that walked. Ewww, and they consider women to be sluts and whores? And seriously, if there’s one thing I’ve learned: arrogance = not good in bed. It’s not that difficult, and what’s not to love about making your partner go out of their mind with happiness? Not that I will any time soon, because due to a combination of trauma and heartaches and too many complications, man has been replaced by machine in my bedroom. Battery powered means it will always do the right thing, on so many levels.

And now wars are flared up all over, and education means nothing in times of combat. We’ll just move along and wish them all safe journeys and be everlastingly grateful that I won’t ever have to see any of them again. Holy fuck the shit I get myself into. Even now that life has gotten calm and peaceful again, I worry about going back into that soul sucking hellhole of depression, and the horrible wreckage that accompanied the downward spiral.

I am so grateful to be back to normal, as much as I ever am. lmfao. Never boring though, and never bored. Regrets though, yeah I got a few of those, along with some gnarly stories. And after an enormous amount of work, look how everything has changed for the better, yay!!!

Love to all


Primitive Love Rites – Mondo Rock
Hold On, We’re Going Home – Drake
Cool Scene – The Dandy Warhols
Dance With Me – Alphaville



Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Speed reading

I think that of the things that were destroyed by the fire, I currently miss my sex toys the most. I wasn’t using them, but I visited them recently. Along with my cute corsets, garter belts, stockings, and those amazing stiletto platform shoes. Dammit. They would have come in quite handy for my burlesque costumes, but I guess the universe had other plans. I have a sewing machine; time to get creative. One of these days perhaps the universe will send me a partner worth getting dressed up all sassy for, and then it won’t be sitting in boxes or suitcases for months at a time.

The one dude is upset with me because I dumped him via voice mail, and I know it wasn’t that nice but we were casual anyway. I go through them kind of fast because – like this one was fun and nice, but he would just smoke weed all the time and tell me the same stories over and over. I couldn’t stand it. I have a fear of being stuck in ruts that cripple my growth, and so now I’ve ditched both dudes. I feel kind of bad about it, but such is life. Relationships are like books, and I’m a fast reader. I love books, but not all of them are worth treasuring, re-reading, or even lingering over. Relationships are the same way.

Ooooo, speaking of which, I will miss that beautiful copy of Chaucer that I’ve been carting around since college, and that 1899 volume of the Museum of Antiquities in Egypt. Thank you universe, for lightening my load considerably! That fire sucked hard, but I know it’s actually a blessing. Luckily I’ve always had a good insurance policy on it, so I should get back a percentage of what it was all worth.


Delirious – Prince
The Other Boys -Nervo


Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Romance in the air

It’s a celebration of love and sugar, so of course I love Valentine’s Day. I ignore the commercialism, the glut of fake emotion, the pressure and expectations of the day, and focus on what I consider to be a day to celebrate the goddess Venus, the sacred feminine, the messy and wonderful emotions of love and affection. I’d prefer if it was more than one day per year, but we’ll start with whatever.

Then there’s the dinner reservations and all of those dressed up dates with nervous laughs and sweaty hands. The proposals, the romantic activities happening everywhere. Most of all, I love that so many people are having warm and fuzzy evenings and hot sex afterwards, hopefully. It seems like a glorious burst of happy energy to put forth into the world and I completely encourage it.

I’m going to make a little warm and fuzzy magic, do a little baking, and send some love out into the universe.  I feel so much better and I think I know what it is: I’ve been using my light box religiously, taking vitamin D, plus 5-HTP and a multi vitamin, in addition to allergy medication -even though I don’t take them every day because I hate taking pills after so many years of being forced to. In combination with the exercise and eating right and with more hope on the horizon, I feel a super hero rush of energy and I think that after all these years, I finally truly feel baseline myself again. What a wild ride.

Love to all


Stuck on A Feeling – Prince Royce
Something’s Gotten Hold Of My Heart – Marc Almond



Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The glow of candlelight

My goodness what a challenging week. I think I drove my coworker crazy; my perkiness already makes her a little nuts since she’s so angry and unhappy. Seeing how I reacted to the fire seems to have bent her brain. Besides that, she’s now noticing how our employees have started calling me directly, stopping by to say hello, and ignoring her completely even though she sits 6 feet away. Perhaps it’s finally getting through to her that if you are an evil bitch to people, they will avoid you, resent you, and you then have created a cycle of unhappiness.

I’ve talked with her about depression (hers is the severe, angry kind), and I’ve noticed that there are certain types of people that can’t grasp the idea that I have such awful depression, when I am perky and nice most of the time. It’s simple really; it’s completely a choice in how you treat people, and not allowing your personal challenges to affect others. They say depression isn’t contagious, but it totally can be. If you feel like shit, you might act like shit, treat others like shit, and it all comes back to you. If you feel like shit and treat others well, you will have instant mood boosters. Yet one more way you can trick your brain into feeling better. But the worse you feel, the more challenging it can be.

Phew, it was a long day. I came home and had a steamy shower by candlelight, tried to forget how much chocolate I ate this week, and now maybe I can sleep. It’s funny how good and balanced I feel, all things considered. I see so many people who have mental illnesses that will never get acknowledged, much less addressed, so I feel like I’m doing pretty damn well.

Love to all

Not A Moment Too Soon – Tim McGraw
I Wanna Get Lost With You  – Stereophonics

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Invoking the 40% rule

That wasn’t exactly the most fun I’ve ever had, sorting through all my soot covered possessions. Holy shit it was therapeutic though – I threw away things that I would have carted around for years. Luckily the universe had other things in mind. I feel free, untethered, portable. Of all the amazing luck, my photo albums survived, and my favorite paintings did too. They’re all wet and smoke damaged, but it’s fine. Everything else is just optional, but it’s pretty much a total loss. Even the things I keep will be smelly and covered with soot. I don’t mind though, even though it’s a pain in the ass and pretty upsetting. It could have been so much worse, and I just have a feeling that it needed to happen and it was one of the best things that could have happened. I don’t know, call it premonition or something.

It’s been really interesting to see what survived and what didn’t. I was pretty OCD about wrapping all my stuff and/or putting it in plastic bins or bags, and when I unwrapped and opened, I just started laughing because yes Universe I get it, I see the lessons I’m supposed to learn. Would you mind easing up a bit now? Thanks.

Hollow Moon (Bad Wolf) – AWOLNATION
Smoke – A Thousand Horses

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Redistribution of matter

Ah, the universe works in mysterious ways. I was stressing over how much material crap I have, and it weighs me down even though it’s in a storage unit. Then I got a call today that my storage unit had a massive fire, and all my crap is pretty much destroyed anyway because of smoke and water damage. It happened two weeks ago, but no one called me to tell me. So even if it was only initially damaged by smoke and water, now it’s also been sitting in the pouring rain for weeks. Ouch. Oh well, I guess I needed to be reminded not to get attached to material things. I have a few dresses, some good boots, yummy food, and wonderful friends around me. What else do you really need?

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment