Torrential downpour, snarled commute, dealing with stressed out people all day; what a relief to finally curl up and relax. What a blessing that I have a safe, cozy place to do that. I still don’t know how that happened exactly, but I am so grateful.

Too exhausted to write much, too tired to sleep. Can’t shut my brain off. At least I made it over 12k for NaNoWriMo (even though technically I’m still behind where I should be). And wow, what a spectacular storm today. And holy shit, what a steady, piercing stream of blue to my soul right now.


Still Got The Blues For You – Gary Moore
Everything by Muddy Waters
Rockin Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu – Johnny Rivers

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Warm and $%^^& Fuzzy

My friend helped me figure out the best way to deal with my bitchy coworker: Warm and fuzzy. I’ll start by posting uplifting messages around my work station. Maybe add some splashes of color, bring in a plant or two. Show kindness and compassion where she is condescending and cruel to people. I think it’s because like so many people, she experienced tragedy that she couldn’t emotionally handle, she ended up having a mental breakdown, and now she’s closed down, bitter, angry. I get it, I think we all understand. How much can heart and soul take before they just snap?

On my better days I try to think of it in terms of what lessons am I meant to be learning here? Why am I receiving these challenges? And sometimes, I slip back into wondering, what the fuck did I do so wrong in my last life? Ah, but we’re all just bits of energy flying through space, and it’s hard to know anything except on a soul level, because a lot doesn’t make sense otherwise. What is this reality anyway? It’s sure messy. You can use religion, or work, or addictions, or many things to help you muddle your way through, but I feel like it’s all about how we interact with each other.

My hope is to put even a bit of good energy back out there, show that we all have strong emotions, we all deserve mercy and forgiveness. And I’d love to encourage more of the same. Who knows what could happen when all those atoms and molecules start interacting in different ways. That woman at work is going to be overcome by warm and fuzzy, I just know it. It peeks out here and there in her, like it does in everyone. Yeah, I know I sound all idealistic, but my friend inspired me to go back towards the path that feels best. And it sure as fuck ain’t angry materialism. Warm and fuzzy is way more my style, it just got beaten out of me for a while, and it’s been a looooooong road to recovery.

Favorite Facebook meme of the day (even though I shut it down for NaNoWriMo) – “Never trust an atom; they make up everything.”

Love to all

Dakota – Stereophonics
White Flag – Dido
Whatever It Takes – Lifehouse
Boys of Summer – The Ataris
Lookin’ Out My Back Door – CCR
…and some Beethoven

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Check the box

It’s progress that they qualify major depression as a disability on the federal questionnaires, because it sure as hell is one. I dislike having to check that box, but every time I feel the most enormous sense of relief. To be recognized, to have the battle finally acknowledged, even in this tiny way that means nothing except to some statisticians somewhere. It has been a major disability that directly interferes with my ability to thrive.

Speaking of which, I guess I have the hospital job – ugh. Pretty much the definition of hell for an artist with strong empathic tendencies is being trapped in an office with bitchy women and angry people with bad manners. So here I go again, but I’m really thinking about what I want to do for a living, and how I want to spend my time and energy. Maybe I’ll make a list or something, try to be logical about it. In the meantime, perhaps this hell job at the hospital will help me grow in new ways. Please god, just help me not turn into one of those uptight gossipy mean type people.

SOTD (an ode to the W section)
Ways and Means – Snow Patrol
We Are All Made Of Stars – Moby
We Are All On Drugs – Weezer
We Are Family – Sister Sledge
We Care A Lot – Faith No More
We Don’t Need Another Hero – Tina Turner

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The other boys

New dude has seen me covered in asphalt and roofing mastic, and soaking wet and cold when we all went skeet shooting (for charity), and he’s still into me. He said I intimidated the roofers, which honestly made me a little sad – but I saw how nervous they were when I was all dressed up for the funeral, after I worked with them all for so long, in such brutal conditions. I thought I fit in a little better than I actually did.

He’s not brilliant, but he’s nice and he cares about his community and both get major bonus points. That last dude was so emotionally abusive and socially stunted, the next one has to be a sweet people person or why even bother. This one passed the test when I saw his golden retriever and heard how he talks about his family, and his past, including time in the Marines.

It’s kind of funny how I always tend to gravitate right to the former military types- even though they frequently can’t handle my free spirited ways. I think it’s the discipline and signing up for the greater good that gets me, never mind the super tight warrior type physique. Delicious. I want to nibble and taste my way all up and down. I don’t see it lasting, but he’s only one of a bunch of potentials that seem to have popped up out of nowhere. It’s super distracting, but I think dudes can sense my screaming sexual frustration and here comes some hot temptation. Dammit, get away, I got NaNoWriMo now, and as much as I’d love to crawl in bed for about a week – yeah. Not right now. Sorry boys.

I splurged on better headphones recently, and it’s so orgasmic to crank today’s music selection. I’m in love with the groovy, infectious beat of this song:

The Other Boys – NERVO feat Kylie Minogue, Jake Shears & Nile Rogers

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The perfect space

I used to have studio space in the Ford Building, and that’s what I crave again. A creative space that I can safely access 24 hours a day, without having to worry about noise or interruptions. I love where I’m at now, but it’s not a permanent home, and I worry constantly about being noisy or accidentally intrusive.

My natural tendency is to do all my creative work late at night, and sometimes it’s not that quiet. Sewing machine going strong, iPod cranked, singing to myself, maybe doing some baking, all after midnight. I love early mornings too – actually it’s too bad I have to sleep at all, no matter how glorious it is.


I Close My Eyes – Shivaree
Fall At Your Feet – Crowded House

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Ready or not

Two days until it starts, and suddenly every idea I had has just vanished. What the hell am I going to write about? NaNoWriMo would be so much easier if I could get laid first. Maybe on Halloween I can find someone to assist. Hot steamy sex and orgasms are great for body and spirit – the happy chemicals would be wonderful for my brain right before I start writing.

Yet I just can’t. Except when I’m hypomanic or drinking, I don’t do casual sex, it just rips me apart, no matter how fun it is. Of this I am well aware. I have men I could maybe get naked with right now if I made a call, but no. I refuse to have sex with someone that I don’t even want to have a conversation with. It’s a bad policy that I ignored for way too long. And yet, sometimes I don’t want to talk at all anyway. The release would be so helpful, with a hot man who knew what he was doing. Dammit. Dear Fairy Godmother…

In My Dreams  – Berlin
Paperback Writer – The Beatles

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Every light in the house is on

Wal-mart sucks, but I’m completely in love with their new campaign: “Green light a vet,” because it’s beautiful. I think everyone who spends time in a war zone comes back wounded on some level, some more than others, but all needing time and support to recover.

My nanny/teacher/librarian/aunt/idealist soul wishes for peace and healing for everyone, while simultaneously seeing the brutal shit that goes on out there. I’m in a bubble of safety here, but I’m aware. And always worried. I think I’m going to light up the night with green light bulbs – you never know who needs help finding their way home.


Every Light In The House Is On – Trace Adkins
Battle Scars – Guy Sebastian Feat Lupe Fiasco
Tie a Yellow Ribbon – some old guy
Safe and Sound – Capital Cities

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The images wouldn’t stop, I kept thinking of different versions of the same idea. I decided I needed to run with it, and start writing the story. Painting still feels like it will never happen again, so I have to try and use words.  Here are the raw bones of the image:

The visitors came just after sunset, and before I knew it I was on a midnight flight through the autumn rain. It was a bizarre feeling, running through the airport to catch a flight to the East Coast, and on to Europe, and knowing I’d seen it all before it happened. Was it imagination or premonition that had sent me those dreams? It didn’t matter, I instantly ditched everything and packed a bag when I heard the news. We hadn’t spoken to each other in years, but I knew he needed me.

They asked me to come, and God knows how they even knew who I was, much less where to find me. But sure enough they had. Two men in full military uniform knocking on my door. He’s been in a medically induced coma for two days, and for some weird reason, they want me to come visit him. I don’t understand these things, but I couldn’t resist the pull, and the secret wish to see him again after all this time. So much has changed, and this time he wouldn’t be able to say awful things. In fact, I’m bringing some books to read to him while he’s sleeping – maybe a dose of warm and fuzzy will help soften his attitude when he wakes up. If he wakes up. His injuries are pretty severe, and I can’t even bear to think that he might not make it.

—so much fun to finally write things out, even if it’s just a super rough draft. I’m inspired all the time, but it  doesn’t always make it past the written journal note version. Sooooo excited for NaNoWriMo this year!!!


Telling Stories – Tracy Chapman


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Logic would dictate that I accept the upcoming job offer from the hospital. I could quit my two other jobs, it’s a huge pay increase, and there’s a lot I could learn there. On the other hand, it’s hugely stressful, I would be stuck in a tiny windowless office with some bitchy women, and working + commuting 50+ hours per week, while working the horribly traditional banker’s hours. All this time that I’ve worked hard to stay out of the rat race, to cobble together work that I love so I can have freedom and flexibility, while still getting what I need. It isn’t working. I’m not making enough to survive, much less get ahead.

On the other hand, my other job started yesterday with the bonehead ex coming in, and ended with the marine showing up unexpectedly, so maybe a change would be good.

Maybe it’s the moon, or maybe it’s the beer that I had last night, but I don’t feel up to making big decisions right now. None of the choices seem like good ones. I really don’t want the hospital job at all – it’s so much of what I don’t want in my life, mixed confusingly with things I do. I don’t think I can afford not to take it, even though everything in me is screaming “NO.” It’s 80% more than I make now, but seeing how many previous people have left that position due to stress – I’m not sure I can afford to take it. I’m highly susceptible to stress and being abused, both of which are rampant there. God I dream of paying off my student loans though, and it would help so much to make a living wage.

I realized today that statistically speaking, even if I wasn’t doomed to be an idealistic artist, the odds aren’t in my favor with such a severe mental health history. I’d like to be the success story that changes everything, but goddamn I feel wrecked.


I Wanna Get Lost With You – Stereophonics
Big Decisions – My Morning Jacket
Big Green Tractor – Jason Aldean

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Breaking traction

One of my favorite things about AWD on a car is that when you break traction, it’s easier to go into a four wheel slide, and you can do all kinds of fun things. Driving in the snow is the best –  I’m hoping we get a ton of snow this year, but it’s not looking good. I miss the sparkly brilliance of the sunshine reflecting off of it. Especially from the top of a mountain that you’re about to ski down, and later drive down. At this rate, I may have to move to Colorado or something, just to see the cold white stuff again.

This year in lieu of skiing, I would like a dirt bike and/or some horseback riding. Fun= some baby jumps, maybe going a little fast, and getting muddy and happy out in the woods. Followed by hot springs and camping, since I’m dreaming anyway.

L.E.S. Artistes – Santogold

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