Well, at least when I’m biking in the dark, no one can see how hard I’m crying. It was an exhausting ride home; I was already stressed and sad. When I feel well and strong, I can manage it just fine- it becomes a fun challenge to conquer my fear of the dark. Other times it’s a battle to not see danger in every shadow. I have to work extra hard to stay calm and not keep looking over my shoulder and jumping at every noise.
I had one cigarette at work, and tried to find my zen even though my boss was on a major crazy roll. I’m doing so much better, I’ve come so far, and it sucks to have this horribly abusive relationship still in my life. I’ve gotten rid of the rest that were unhealthy, and this is the last remnant. Like always, I have a hard time letting go when I’ve formed an emotional bond.
Speaking of bonding with unhealthy people, I’m pretty sure my ex rolled by me on my way home (as I was crying, and battling up a hill- awesome timing universe). He’s spectacularly unobservant, so I doubt he noticed me ducking my head and flipping him off. It wasn’t good of me, especially since I wasn’t even sure it was him. I couldn’t look. It’s just one more spoiled white dude, passing judgment from their narrow minded position of money and power. There’s so many like him, it makes me nauseous. Selfish, focused only on their dollars and assets, not giving a fuck about their community or anyone else in it. On the other hand, I care too much and I’m broke as fuck and barely surviving, so who’s really right?
I think the thing I most resent about not having money, is that it severely limits my volunteer work- it’s super depressing to have to focus on survival when there are so many more worthwhile things I could be doing while I’m here. I push it so hard, get so little sleep and have such severe depression- I’m likely to drop at any moment. I wish I could do a lot more good before it happens. I feel so tiny and useless compared to the massive problems facing humans all over the planet right now.
Sometimes things are still so heartbreaking and overwhelming that I think I can’t possibly survive- and then I read the news and see how strong and resilient the human spirit is, despite the most horrific of happenings. I made a promise to stick it out until the end, so I just have to cling to whatever inspiration and hope I can find. Luckily it’s everywhere.
Today my mantra is a simple one: gratitude
Empty Garden (Hey Hey Johnny)- Elton John
Hand To Hold On To- John Cougar Mellencamp
Beautiful World- Devo