Homesick for a mirage

Even though my family mostly sucks, I really miss having a home base. A physical location where everyone could gather for holidays, special occasions, whatever. It’s weird that it’s just gone. I always thought I would be the one with the big house full of people, kids running around, dinner parties, art salons. Now I’m the only one of six children who hasn’t had kids or made a home. Not counting my deceased sister of course.

I’m never sure who to call now when I’m having a hard time, so I don’t really talk to anyone much about it. I suppose it’s better to be self sufficient, but I feel like I especially benefit from the support of a community around me. It makes my heart hurt that I haven’t been able to maintain it that well. People get all upset when I disappear, and it’s still too embarrassing and socially destructive to say “Oops sorry, couldn’t talk for a few weeks while my depression and panic attacks flared up. And last year was completely disabling, but your friendship is valuable to me, I just can’t always function very well.”

I had a little panic attack at work yesterday, and missed an important piece of information. I knew it, but my mind went so completely blank that I wasn’t even sure where to start. It was terrifying, and I hate it so much. Luckily I am quite proficient at hiding the symptoms when I am in the middle of a panic attack or flare up of crippling anxiety. Or I’m good at excusing myself when I can tell it’s about to get bad.
Speaking of that, all my friends at the other house have now learned first hand why it’s a bad idea to sneak up on me. Lmfao. It truly sucks that war veterans are the only other group that understand the severity and agony of PTSD, and how it’s never cured, you can only mitigate the symptoms.

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