Pardon me, it’s been a rough ride lately. I feel simultaneously blessed and cursed, but I know I can’t give up no matter how bad it gets. It does get really bad, and there are reasons for it that I just don’t feel like talking about. The details don’t matter anyway, even if I could explain. Everyone’s got a sad story. I keep wishing I could change my story, make it happier or with a better ending. I’ve never been able to escape my circumstances though. That’s the joy of PTSD and depression- it tags along wherever you go.
I hate getting other people upset, and I’m sorry that last post was so doom and gloom. I imagine that those kinds of emotions are disturbing for those not used to them, so sorry if I traumatized you as well- that sucks. The fact is though, I merely talk about the intensity that a lot of others deny. If you pretend it’s not there, that you don’t have the shadow side of yourself- then you’re in worse shape then me. I argue that I have very good reasons for being so sad, but normally I can manage my attitude better. Some horrible news really threw me off, and I just have to deal with it somehow.
I did pick up my new bike, and immediately painted it. It had a flashy, ugly paint job with a horrible tomato red, white, and black graphic crap design on it. I added a ton of black nail polish, a coat of glitter, and it’s much better. I will go over it again with glow in the dark designs, but I’m exhausted now. Four cigarettes, two beers, and a wrecked idealist later.
I have no idea what to do with my life now, but I imagine it’s the same thing everyone else does: Wake up, get dressed, go through the motions until the pain recedes again. This is soooo not how I hoped my life would turn out. Dammit.
Love to all. I wonder how many of my readers have stayed with me this far? Lol, xoxo. Life is messy, and I have strong emotional responses to things. I suppose the GoFundMe site was a bit much though. I’ve just been thinking about it for a while, and it seemed like a logical solution. That leads me to the songs of the day…
No Easy Way Out- Robert Tepper
Hope Of Deliverance- Paul McCartney
Rescue Me- Madonna