I have a print of a circa 1900 photo of the Lady Washington sailing out of Port Townsend towards open sea. I adore tall ships and that’s my favorite small town on the planet so far(stunningly beautiful coastline, scandalous waterfront past, and no crowds). The weather in the photo looks perfect for sailing. The black and white tones show the light on the waves, and across the sides of the billowing sails. I think that’s called a following wind, and I got a whiff of it the other day. I have a burning itch to go on walkabout. I keep wanting to ditch all my material crap and just go. I don’t really have anything holding me here anyway. I don’t have anything holding me anywhere, it’s a little distressing and unnerving sometimes. Then I remember how much freedom I have, and I feel sorry for people who are tied down.
I can’t imagine being ever able to buy a house. My student loans and medical bills look like they may fuck me forever, and paperwork gives me panic attacks, it sucks. Besides, I’m not super great at math, but even I can tell that three jobs still isn’t going to ever get me ahead. However, I’m delighted that I’m functioning at all and keeping myself safe. The depression is still awful, I’m glad I can appear mostly normal in public instead of crying all the time like I feel I’m about to. There’s no point in distressing other people just because I’m struggling. Life ain’t easy, and the world is a mess; most everyone struggles.
By brilliant luck, I did get exactly what I wanted for my birthday: To sleep as long as I needed, and wake up without an alarm. Fucking yeeeeeehawwww, that rocked. I’ve been working so much, I kind of had to switch into robot mode to make it through. I was thinking that lots of people go through their entire lives that way and as much as I long to wake them up, I know very well how strong and negative the reaction is. It’s like walking through the forest around Sleeping Beauty’s mythical castle and whispering into the wind- wake up, wake up. I’m so exhausted still, I completely understand why it’s easier to sleep. I wish I could get enough sleep, but it never happens. Oh well; I don’t have to be asleep to dream of the open road, and I feel the call of the open water no matter where I am.
A Better Man- Clint Black
Neon- Chris Young
Ain’t No Cure For Love- Leonard Cohen
Cool Scene- Dandy Warhols
Cool Kids- Echoscene
Wishing (If I Had a Photograph of You)- AFOS
Holding Out For A Hero- Bonnie Tyler ( I wish I had the skills and equipment to remix this)