It’s one of the worst hazards of depression: Feeling so sad that it feels like you’re dying and then it becomes basic survival and then it’s like, what do you have to lose? That’s about the time that life can change dramatically in any direction. And oh my, I love stability and peace, so wtf? I have so many better things to do, but oh no, I had to go stir up conflict again. Damn it, it’s only because the holidays are coming and I see the waves of depression coming and it’s terrifying to face alone- the power of community helps me, but still. I start looking for any safe harbor, when such a thing doesn’t exist. I saw that coming this fall, and should have listened to my inner voice that said “shut UP or talk to only healthy people who can handle it and who can maybe help- like any of your friends! Nope, I’ve been pretty isolated from not feeling social and working all the time, so all my shit is bottled up, just waiting to burst out in verbal vomit. Yuck, and dammit. Sorry universe.
I’m just going to say that I can clearly drive some people really crazy, even though I don’t really mean to. Here’s my biggest life lessons, in case it helps anyone: Texting is not good for emotional artists with poor impulse control, cake is wonderful, border guards have no sense of humor, and fighter pilots don’t dance.
Tonight I wish for wisdom, true love, world peace, a good mechanic, a house handyman, great sex, some fucking zen, a paying writing career and/or publishing contract so I could quit 66% of my jobs… And the motivation to keep moving forward in healthy directions when the wolves of sadness and grief are growling at the door… Oh wait, and the compassion to stop beating myself (or anyone else) over the head with past mistakes, thereby creating more mistakes. Amen. Fuck.
All I Need Is A Miracle- Mike & The Mechanics
Lessons in Love- Level 42
Everything Chopin ever composed