Trying to be a reporter is a massive challenge. I realize that I am so shy still- the social anxiety rears up and I can barely speak and only stupid shit comes out. That’s when I need a translator who can interpret for me. Last time I had to interview someone, I had that helpful museum curator who made it so much better. This time I’m attending an artist’s presentation- an amazing artist. There will be a press table and it’s sounding all official. Usually I get baked when I have to attend social events, and that helps me release the anxiety and panic a little better. When I have to be present and smart, weed doesn’t always work so well, even if it’s still better than the benzos I used to be on. Time to step up my coping skills.

Crap, after that emergency teams drill with Homeland security, SWAT teams, firefighters, and all that, I know better than to go stoned to official events (Nothing happened, but I actually had a horrible panic attack afterwards). I’m great in a crisis, so why do I still reach for the weed? It helps so much in one sense, but then I’m super embarrassed that I need a drug to manage my life and activities- a residual curse of the stigma of taking psych pills- and weed has even more of a stigma. I’m not getting stoned as much thee days, and I hate that I still feel like I need so much help to function.

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