The gray light of predawn

The wind blew just right in the gusty gray of the pre-dawn light, and good god I miss the island.  I try to focus on the good things, and how losing so much has been a wonderful blessing. If life hadn’t changed so dramatically, so profoundly, I would still be thinking I was hopelessly crazy, struggling towards goals that weren’t always good for me, because I thought that’s what you are supposed to do. I feel like I cut off a part of myself to get away and it needed to go, but it still leaves something missing and an ache that hasn’t gone away.

It’s funny how mixed up in the memories of that time, are the associations with the pilots. I think of that show that I’ve never watched but I love the quote: “You know nothing Jon Snow.” Such smart men, yet they jumped to conclusions, assumed so much, knew so little. I still wish I never met any of them, could maybe maintain the illusion that more heroes really do exist, instead of the horrible people they turned out to be. They said such awful things and meant them in that viciously cold kind of way. I’m sure I was just that crazy stupid slut that was doing scandalous things in their small town, and they would never see me any other way. On top of everything with my family and the disastrous crash – I’m so thankful to never see any of them again.

It’s for the best that it’s so far away, because my soul aches for my daily beach walk, and I keep thinking I could just run over there for a day on my beach with no one noticing. Really though, you can’t go home again, and there’s no home there anymore anyway. The dudes were such dicks, I don’t even want to risk running into them. Like I was told when I started at the VA – “All of your clients are trained to kill you.” It’s the same thing, and you can’t reason with people who only think you should die.


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