Inventory your life

It’s never fun at the time, but losing everything has worked out very well for me. This time with the fire, what a wonderful blessing it’s going to be. I learned that my antique rug was actually pre-WWII hand-knotted wool from Iran. And that rare 1800’s Limoges china that didn’t make it – that will bump up the overall replacement value. Maybe I can use it to pay off my hospital bills. Just like material possessions, money is just redistribution of matter and energy.

Now I’m doing an inventory list of everything that was ruined, and even though I’m attached to a lot of it – it all means nothing. Material stuff means nothing, physical manifestations come and go. I’ve been at the top, I’ve been at the bottom (sometimes in the same day, week, month, century), and only a few things are constant or mean anything. In my reality it’s learning, art, community, and love. Good gear is wonderful, and I loved my record collection, but who cares?

Then I hit the bottom again today. My job is very challenging, my hormones are strong, and I got hit by a wave of blue isolation and loss where I feel leprous with sadness, riddled with anxiety that hovers like a bad smell. I need human contact but I can’t stand to be touched right now. Thank goodness for acupuncture, at least I can finally cry and bleed and maybe just let go a little bit more. Thank you universe, for giving me this lesson, shitty though it feels right now.

SOTD

I’ll See You In My Dreams – Giant
Goodbye – Night Ranger

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