A deck of cards

My coworker just had a complete breakdown at work today and flipped out on our director. I don’t think I’ll see her for a while, if at all. It’s really hard to see someone snap like that, with so much anger, contorted with rage. It made me so sad, because she messed up her life, and I know that feeling well. The times that I’ve woken up realizing that I fucking wrecked my life. When the ICU sign is the first thing you see, your day is not going to be easy. I crash in a different way than my coworker, but it’s hard to watch anyone go down that hard, no matter how it manifests.

There’s all this drama around me at work, plus I just requested that the dude be assigned somewhere else (that didn’t go down well) but it’s been almost five years of crap and games from him and I can’t even deal with him at my work now too. There’s all that, but I’m doing fine – but if I were to believe in a deck of cards, I should be intensely worried right now, based on the layout I just got.

They are a deck of cards with pretty pictures, and I started playing with them 13 years ago when I had insomnia on an epic level. The visual images distract me from whatever’s on my mind, they’re a  hobby that’s portable everywhere, and they keep my hands busy. Since I’ve used copies of the same deck, and I’ve done layouts at least once a day all that time – I see patterns emerge. They aren’t always happy ones either; and that’s the first lesson: you have to be prepared for patterns you don’t want to see.

Dear God/Goddess/Deity of Choice/Etc., don’t let the cards be right this time. I don’t want to see anyone go through that kind of pain. For those that do though, as long as I’m here I will help where I can. I wish I could do more.  I’ve had such messy and painful crashes that I have deep sympathy for people going through difficult times. I barely made it through my difficult time; I direct my emotions inward when I crash, but it’s also common how people direct their pain outward. And oh lord what horrible things humans in distress can do to each other.

Everyone be safe and compassionate and patient out there, and remember: Every interaction matters. So many people are having a hard time, the little things can have a huge impact.

Love to all


I Worry About You- Rush
Healing Hands – Elton John
Boys of Summer – The Ataris
Come Crying To Me – Lonestar
One Heartbeat – Smokey Robinson
Talk It Over – Grayson Hugh

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