It’s been six years from the last major suicide attempt, five years out from my last pharmaceutical – non-recreational anyway. The pills in my life now are gummy vitamins and vitamin D. It’s mind bending to be in a completely different place, and wahoo fucking yay!!! Western medicine and much of society tell you that you’ll never make it, never recover from such severe mental illness. And they made a strong point in my case; I have a long history of pills and hospitalizations for crippling episodes of depression. I may always have it, may relapse here and there, but it’s just better now all around. It takes an enormous amount of energy and work to recover, but it’s possible, and entirely worth it. Besides, all my exit strategies were blocked, so I might as well make the most of what I’ve got. There’s no sense living in misery, that’s no fun at all.
My coworkers threw me a huge birthday party with all my favorite foods – it was unexpected and wonderful. The messages they wrote on the birthday cards kind of stopped me in my tracks. I thought I was doing a good job, but it looks like I’m doing better than I thought. I will never tell any of them about my mental illness, even though they now know from experience that I have PTSD. How they see me now is how I am focused on living, in the ways that are currently working.
It takes a long time for the symptoms to subside, and all subsequent traumas can re-trigger it. Yoga, meditation, acupuncture, art therapy, gardening therapy, exercise, healthy eating, strong social connections, positive affirmations – these all have helped. That is how I can function mostly as a normal adult now, instead of swinging between that manic hyperactive slut or clenched in the fetal position with depression. It’s all about balance baby.
Love and sweet recovery to all
Rehab – Amy Winehouse
A Bad Dream – Keane