I love and hate them, those hours before dawn. When sleep is a dim impossibility, and my head is overflowing the second I wake up a little after 1:00am.
I was so excited to write all day today, and when the time came I was too twitchy and anxious to sit still. Then not only was I not able to write even though not doing so felt like dying – I was feeling extra awful because I haven’t been managing my anxiety very well and I feel like I’m on fire with it pretty much all the time, it’s distracting. Concentration is shot to hell, I make stupid mistakes, and holy shit I need a distraction from my distraction. How much better life would be if I could channel it better, but instead I feel like there’s been an explosion in the file cabinet of my brain and I spend my whole life trying to organize that shit again. I don’t often miss the pills, but oh my stars the Ritalin versions did amazing things for my concentration. And my sleep.
Not sure what to think about the songs running through my head at 3 in the morning, but here they are:
The Radio – Vince Gill
Four in the Morning – Night Ranger
Tower of Song – Leonard Cohen
Bad Decisions – Two Door Cinema Club
Gold – Spandau Ballet
Boys of Summer – The Ataris