My victim training left me with a fiery instinctive attraction and sometimes automatic submission to domineering men, but with a pure and intense terror of what destroyers they can be. I know this well. But it’s also my fault for giving in; especially in this instance when the dude’s just being his same douchebag self.
He asked if I was afraid of commitment; maybe, but I’m more afraid of it with him. The dude is abusive in the exact same way as my primary abusers were for all those years. Nothing except art can capture the agony of dealing with those same awful mind games again. It’s distressing beyond words and worse since he knows that he got to me, and he won’t stop.
I want to believe the best in people, that they want to be better, do better just like I’m working on all the time. I forget that not everyone is like that, and certainly not that dude. He has classic traits, deeply familial similarities, and the dangerous comfort of feeling like home. I can’t help feeling like he’s karmic or whatever punishment for the whole thing with the pilots. Although God/Goddess/FSM/BSOC knows, I have a whole list of sins that could have gotten me to this. Really though, it’s just habits, and habits can be broken. Well, and I’m also thinking about moving and changing my phone number.
Speaking of that, Dear God/Goddess/FSM/BSOC:
Help me push harder against complacency, gravity, hermit status, and bad habits. Help me develop the wisdom to pay it forward enough to ease the pain of my past. Please show me the path to strength for battle against lingering habits. And I would love that one delicious firefighter for the holidays – as a motivator to continue the good work?
Wild Horses – Gino Vannelli
Tired Of Being Sorry – Ringside
(I Just) Died In Your Arms – Cutting Crew
Let It Be – The Beatles