The rush

The snow is falling, gusting down in fat, wet flakes and I’m so happy about it. I want to go out hiking in it, basking in the beauty of it, enjoying how quiet it makes the city, wishing I could help everyone have food and cozy shelter on such a cold night. What messy humans we are, against the background of such a beautiful planet.

Splurging on a personal trainer is proving to be miraculous for my mood. I completely appreciate the external encouragement as she pushes me farther than I think I can go and it never hurts as much as I expect. The rush of adrenaline and endorphins helps me re-calibrate my brain and try to make some sense out of the world around me.

My trainer thinks it’s funny that I’m her only client who has ever loved the rowing machine.  It’s because I pretend I’m paddling whitewater again. My labored, former-smoker breathing becomes the roar of spring runoff pouring into a narrow, punchy set of rapids. The machine dials become the horizon line of my favorite waterfall, stomach clenching, paddling hard for the drop.

Unfortunately I’m in my mid-winter hibernation weight, when all the holiday cookies interfere with my kayak roll and self rescues, even if my boats were in working order. Looks like lots of gym, with maybe some skiing and hopefully snowshoeing as well. Anything to help recover from the stress of work and realizing that I’m doing much better, but can I rally enough passion and dedication to get me where I actually want to go?

Daily depression scale, with zero the least and ten the worst ever: 2 to 4
Panic/anxiety on same scale: 6

SOTD – Old playlists
Cure For Pain – Morphine
A Girl Like You – The Smithereens
Peace In Our Time – Eddie Money
I Will Be You – Pseudo Echo
Love Cries – Stage Dolls
All This I Should Have Known – Breathe
Abandon – Dare
Where Did Your Heart Go? – Wham
What’s It To You – Clay Walker
Somebody New – Billy Ray Cyrus
Ocean Drive – Duke Dumont

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