I love working in a hospital, even though my job is intense sometimes. It’s exciting being right in the middle of the action, and being part of a team that’s trying to do good things. That is helpful when I come home exhausted and super sad, in urgent need of physical activity and cerebral distractions to wash away the day. After finally getting home tonight, just dropping into a downward dog yoga pose was enough to finally let go and start crying.
Sometimes I really, really need regular release, some way to unlock what is blocked. Usually exercise and/or sex or art are super effective, which means these days it’s mostly biking. I think I wouldn’t be able to stop crying for a while if someone even hugged me right now, and sex would be way too intense – why waste that energy on the arrogant and emotionally detached dudes I keep picking? And neither words nor images are coming easily when I sit down to create. I have so many projects that I’m passionate about and in the middle of … and all I want to do is sleep. I see the waves of depression flowing in and I’m fighting them hard. Oh lord though, it’s such hard work. Having had mono for a couple of months as a kid, I would compare depression to that. It sucks all your energy, leaves you wrung out and exhausted. Above and beyond anything else, it’s frustrating to be battling my own brain when I have so much I want to be doing instead.
I’m so grateful for the blessings in my life – there are many. If I could change my chemicals, all the good things would totally help me feel better. Because honestly right now, I feel pretty crashed out awful yet again. The firefighter thing, the time of year, work stress, feeling totally isolated and like a generally wrecked out failure at everything. I hope this wave passes soon. It makes me sad to be so sad. Come on universe, how about some more happy stuff? I know I’m not the only one struggling right now.
Cry To Me – Marc Broussard
Brother – NEEDTOBREATHE