One more week before I get on a plane and go somewhere new, somewhere with stories I’ve never heard but have read a lot about. I used the $500 I had in savings (don’t laugh, that’s more than I’ve ever kept, it’s expensive AF to battle for mental health for so many years).
The decision to go was easy when I realized I was so depressed that I couldn’t see much of a future. Those are the times when I have to hit the reset button in a big way. Sometimes that means an infusion of healthy food, sleep, mountain biking, and/or social connection, or whatever I can manage. Other times it’s something like skydiving, travel, or changing jobs. I’m sometimes sad that I don’t have the daily terrors of roofing (ie the effing ladders from hell, and my cursed fear of heights/vertigo) to reset my brain chemicals, so I have to use other methods.
I work hard to have good habits, pick healthy things, but I understand very well the urge to go with whatever addiction gives you that rush that makes your brain feel better. How many people just made bad choices in their quest to self medicate their mental state?
I’ve certainly racked up some terrible choices, and I’ve had professional “help” all along the way. Sometimes I imagine it like “How would I phrase this in the form of a Catholic confession?” Bless me father, for I have sinned. It’s been 7 years since my second suicide attempt and I haven’t been to confession since I stopped seeing my last therapist. I don’t want to shock you with all the other stuff: Can I say a few prayers and let the past go?
What the hell, maybe some travel will help. I already feel better after camping with friends, perhaps this will give me another, much needed boost.
I’m Not Over – Carolina Liar