Last night was one of the worst nights of my life. I foolishly tried a vitamin supplement that I thought would help with the ADD/ADHD, and holy effing crap it was a nightmare. So much for “all-natural,” I was tripping balls, as my hippie friends would call it. Luckily I’m familiar with how medication can mess with your head, or I think it might have been a disaster.
As it was, I got only a few hours of sleep, and it was an agonizing panic attack with waves of crap that I can’t even describe. I thought that kind of hell was behind me once I got off of pharmaceuticals. An experience like that, and all those years of pills – it gives me bits of insight into how it must be to do drugs like crack, meth, coke, acid, and all those substances that wack you out. I don’t want hallucinations, or to be jacked up, I just want to be able to function. Enough to live my life, go on adventures, have relationships. – not be some pill-addicted mess.
Pills and prescriptions were supposed to help me feel less depressed and anxiety-ridden, but the side effects were hell, and it was a constant, expensive vigilance to manage medication, illness, and trying to be a normal adult. Case in point: just trying one medication, one time, resulted in massive sleep loss, hallucinations, panic attacks, critical depression, and a huge impact on my job. It’s nearly impossible to manage mental illness and still function like we’re expected to; it’s a system designed to make the vulnerable fail. And Big Pharma doesn’t want to help you, they certainly don’t want to heal you, they just want you to be an addicted customer that pays a monthly fee for life.
Hence the attempts at vitamins/holistic healing. So far, what’s worked are vitamin D (5000 IU per day I think), iron, magnesium, daily allergy medication (dammit), and melatonin for sleep. I did add an adrenal care/stress care mix, but that’s already a lot of damn pills. CBD products, essential oils, and exercise are vital as well.
I’m toying with the idea of getting yoga instructor training, as it’s proven to help, and since an art therapy degree is still too much to take on, but I haven’t figured out how to come up with tuition. It would be wonderful though – god I need to quit my job, the stress is not helping me manage my shit.
It’s been hours, and I still feel like I’m going to puke and my insides are knotted with paralyzing anxiety that feels like terror. I’m ready to quit my job, throw all my stuff in the donation pile, and just walk away from everything. Who cares? One more woman with a label and a messy story.
A Different Story – Peter Schilling
Let Love Speak Up Itself – The Beautiful South