Electronics have a distressing way of exploding around me. I used to live with a superstitious women who could “see spirits and talk to them” – her room was usually a hot box of incense and meditation, and she claimed to have seen an Indian chief on our property. I got out of my car one night after an intense day at work, and she came running outside to smudge me with sage – how did she know? – and then I walked inside and turned on the light switch — and blew breakers. It freaked her right out, but I wasn’t surprised, I don’t know why. I don’t know what it is or what it means, but I feel that kind of electrical charge right now.
The mechanic told me about what I expected, and so the rush of grief was more tolerable. I have had a lot of luck on my side, and I’m so grateful. What it comes down to though, is that I can’t afford to have a car; the constant maintenance, the insurance and gas, it’s all a luxury. Oh lord I know what a luxury, and I’ve been so aware of the amazing-ness of it. I passionately love to drive, love everything about cars, and the last few drives around town were conscious enjoyment. Yet my old Subaru wagon’s finally hit OOF, or Old Organ Failure as my nurse bf used to call it. I saw it coming… but holy crap it’s hard to let go, it makes me so sad. There were a few previous resurrections, but not this time. Nearly 235,000 miles, and 145,000 of those are mine.
She inspired me to write a love story, she restored my faith in humanity, she reminded me that once upon a time I was loved and cared for, she was my safety and escape when I had no where else I could bear to go. Now I’m reminded that in time everything is lost or stripped away and I should know this by now. I can dream about rebuilding her, but in reality it’s a sales for parts and a whole lot of walking. Buying something else is too overwhelming, I have a terror of making payments (FU Navient), I have a recent bankruptcy, I want to switch jobs, and overall new walking shoes are just practical and more affordable. Besides, more exercise is the best treatment by far for depression. Trust me, I’ve tried everything except shock treatment.
I walked out of the repair shop, and into the bar across the street. I’ve been feeling like a drastic change anyway, and I think the car was a last lingering root that needed to get pulled. Now I really do have nothing tying me down here except some wonderful friends, so I can go anywhere, do anything. So I inquired about an MFA in writing. The Art Therapy degree is like $600 a credit hour, but I could do the writing while I was, say, using my TESOL certificate somewhere. Who knows? When I feel this awful, it’s very tempting to change everything until I feel better. Depression feels like your emotions are skin that has been sandblasted to rawness and then rolled in rock salt. Profoundly ouch.
Dear Universe: In my version of reality, I walk out of my house and see a Tesla engine in a Studebaker body with a solar charger and a bow on top. Make it so!
You’re Mine – Raving George
Don’t Dream It’s Over – Crowded House