In a sunny blooming park I ran another 5k this morning. I was craving the happy chemical release, and hoping the challenge would distract from the mental circles I keep running in. Physical exertion can distract me from how broken and hopeless I feel, and it was partially successful, but the physical pain wasn’t enough. The only change is that now everything hurts, feels raw beyond belief both inside and out.
How funny that once upon a time I believed in family, romance, love, loyalty. I used to think I had a shot at making someone happy, and of being loved. I still feel shattered, broken into pieces that don’t fit back together. I gave it a lot of time, in hopes that the healing would come, and it just hasn’t. But other than hurting, it doesn’t even matter. I know how lucky I am, and I am grateful. Super blue anyway.
I’m pretty sure I’m going to die of a broken heart if I can’t get to a river or the ocean soon, or even out in the woods for a few hours. I hate being stuck in the city, no matter how great it is.
Broken – Lifehouse
I Got Mexico – Eddy Raven
You’re Only Lonely – JD Souther
Seven Year Ache – Rosanne Cash
Without You – Harry Nilsson
Everywhere – Tim McGraw
It Would Be You – Gary Allan
I Worry About You – Rush
Past The Point of Rescue – Hal Ketchum
Not A Moment Too Soon – Tim McGraw
Cover Me – Bruce Sprinsteen